Page 80 of The Last Session

Eventually, I’d gotten up, noting the pain between my legs. Adam had left me the flashlight—a kind act, or maybe he’d just forgotten it. I used it to examine the swipe of blood on my thighs. I got dressed. Folded up the gross blanket. Left the shed. Went directly to the shower building, where I scalded my skin and got back in my clothes.

They were singing campfire songs. Those fucking idiots.

I went back to my cabin, to my bunk, which was directly over Melissa’s. Still wet, I got into the damp sheets, pulling them up to my chin. I felt wide awake, but within seconds, I fell blessedly asleep.

33

The feelings reared up as if I were still there, twenty years in the past. The numbness had melted, and sharp knives of shame and hurt and humiliation sliced into my chest and belly as I cried. Moon murmured—It’s okay, let it all out—while wrapping me in her arms.

Eventually, the tears stopped. I took shuddering breaths. I didn’t want to open my eyes, to see the others staring at me. But when I did, everyone’s faces were filled with softness and warmth. Grace and Dawne’s cheeks were wet with tears.

Moon thanked everyone and invited Mikki, Dawne, and Ramit to step out.

“Is the session over?” I glanced at Jonah. “What about Jonah? His work?” I’d taken up all of our time in the session—when would he share?

“Don’t worry.” Moon pushed back my hair in a motherly gesture. “That was his pattern too. Jonah treated someone the way that Adam treated you.”

Jonah nodded slowly, staring at the floor.

Sol grasped his shoulder. “How doyoufeel?”

“Like shit.” Jonah smiled faintly. He’d already apologized to me during the session; Sol and Grace had too.

And though they weren’t actually Pastor John and Jamie and Adam, it had shifted something to hear it. Like I’d been living with a dislocated shoulder for twenty years, and it had just been popped back in place.

“And you?” Moon trained on me. “How do you feel?”

“Good.” Already parts of me were rearing up, questioning what had just taken place. Moon had been able to facilitate this because she’d stolen my diary. That was clearly wrong.

And yet… something momentous, maybe even mystical, had just happened. The memory had feltreal. My knees ached from the shed’s wooden floor under the thin blanket.

Moon rubbed my arm. “We’ve taken a big step in breaking the pattern. There’s still more to do, but it will no longer rule you.”

I nodded, wiping under my eyes. There must be mascara all over my face.

“Let’s take a break.” Moon checked her watch. “Sol and I have to get ready for the bonfire ceremony, and you both may want to rest a little.”

Soon, Jonah and I were outside, walking in the direction of the yurts. I felt raw, like an exposed nerve.

I started: “That was…”

“Wild,” he finished.

“Were you acting again?” It felt unbearable to fathom, though it had to be the case.

“Actually, no.” He cleared his throat. “Sol was right. I did treat someone like Adam treated you.”

“Oh.” I was both surprised, and not.

“I should tell you what happened to me,” he went on. “Or rather, what I did.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to.” He looked grim. “So yeah, I was a bully. My parents were fighting all the time, and I think I was taking it out on other people. I targeted this one girl, Hannah. She was obsessed with our teacher. And he gave her special treatment, for sure. But he or she must’ve crossed some line because he started avoiding her. And I took advantage of that. I invited her to parties, got her drunk. And one night I had sex with her.” He paused and we trudged in silence for five seconds, ten. “I was drunk, too, but that’s no excuse. I was pretty cruel to her after, and I’ll always regret that. At some point she disappeared. Her parents transferred her. I looked her up many years later; she was living somewhere in Tennessee. Married, two kids. I still think about her.”

We stopped outside of my yurt. His arms were crossed, his shoulders hunched. Staring at the ground, he looked miserable and somehow young, like a little boy who’d done something unforgiveable. Jesus. How were these boys allowed to have this kind of power over us? To cause us so much pain?

“I don’t understand how they know about our pasts.” Jonah’s eyes darted to mine. “Moon and Sol. There has to be an explanation, but I can’t think of it.”