Page 79 of The Last Session

“Uh-huh.”

“You really can’t take a joke, can you?”

“Guess not.” The inner storm was calming. The hurricane energy froze into numbness.

I kept seeing the look in Pastor John’s eyes. The horror, the anger, the undeniable implication:Get the fuck out of here. Jamie’s laugh. She wouldn’t be laughing if she knew what he’d told me about her, in addition to the lack of sex: that she was controlling. Nagging. Constantly complaining. I’d actually felt bad for him, this kind, loving, and patient man, having to contend with a wife like that.

But all of that was over now. He’d never be able to look me in the eyes again. I knew that, as sure as if he’d warned me. The long conversations, the secret smiles. Gone like they’d never happened at all.

I turned and walked towards the lake.

“Where are you going?” To my faint surprise, Adam followed.

“I don’t know.” I stumbled over a branch.

“Here.” Adam shone the light in front of both of us. “You know, I can’t figure you out, Thea. I can’t tell what you’re thinking.”

“Why do you care?” I was strangely grateful for this conversation. If it weren’t happening, if I were here alone, I’d peel off the face of the earth and float off into space.

“I don’t.” He scoffed.

We approached the dock. The waves lapped below us, a soothing sound. I sat at the end, wrapping my arms around my knees. The sliver of moon reflected in the black surface of the water.

Adam clicked off the flashlight as he settled beside me. “You’re shaking. Are you cold?” Without waiting for an answer, he put an arm around me. It felt warm, solid. I wanted to cry, but all I felt was a deep, black nothingness.

This void had always been there. When I was on the bus, or sitting in class, or trying to finish my math homework at the kitchen table. It had even been there when things were better with Melissa, peeking out after she’d fallen asleep and I was still awake in my sleeping bag.

I’d never had such direct access to it, though. Now, it vibrated, a gaping hole in my chest.

“You know, I joke about you and Pastor John and everything,” Adam said quietly. “But I see the way he looks at you. It’s not, like, normal.”

“Hmm.”

“Whenever he comes in the classroom he always looks for you first. He finds you and his eyes light up.”

It was nice, I guessed, for someone else to validate it. To know I wasn’t just making everything up. On some level I’d known, but it had also felt confounding. How was I to understand what attraction looked like?

“One time he was talking to you and I think he even got a little bit of a boner. I think he thinks you’re hot.” Adam’s hand moved to the back of my scalp, massaging. I tensed and then relaxed. It actually felt good. How could it feel good coming from someone I hated?

“Youarekind of hot.” His hand tangled in my hair, he turned my head towards him and kissed me. I kissed him back. My first kiss.Huh.His tongue snaked into my mouth, but it was gentle, with more finesse than I would’ve expected. His breath was faintly minty. He shifted and pulled me closer. The kiss felt nice, distracting. Then he pulled me down onto the dock, pressing his body to mine. The hardness of his erection poked into my thigh.

Suddenly, I was flooded with desire. It filled the void, pulsing and urgent. I kissed him harder, pushing myself into him.

“Whoa.” He pulled back. “You really want it, don’t you?”

I didn’t know what I wanted. But when Adam stood up and held out his hand, I took it.

“Come on.” He led us confidently to the shed by the dock. To the floor, where he set down a musty, crumbling blanket. He was fourteen, but he must’ve been having sex for a while. He knew exactly what to do, how to set me up, where to touch me, how to get me to touch myself. And I couldn’t have been the first girl he’d said those kinds of things to:

You’re so fucking ugly.

You’re such a slut.

Say you’re my bitch.

Pretend I’m him. Say it.

It was all over quickly. I sat on the blanket for a long time after he left. It was all so much: my first kiss, my first make-out, my first fuck. And all interlaced with Pastor John’s eyes, so appalled, so alien.Shut the door!