Page 157

THIRTY-EIGHT

AIDEN

The morning light filtering into the bedroom is bright. We clearly forgot to shut the curtains last night when we stumbled in like two drunken elephants doing a mating dance. If the streaks on the glass are anything to go by, I must have had Lennox up against the window at some point.

It was a great night. And it’s a beautiful day. Lennox is lying in bed next to me, her face relaxed and her light pink hair spread across my pillow since she’s a bed hog and sleeps on top of me.

While I love that, along with every moment I spend with her, I can’t blink away the very empty feeling that settles inside me as I wake fully.

This happens sometimes. No rhyme or reason. I see the sun and count out all my blessings, yet the heaviness in my chest remains.

Like every good thing I have could be ripped from me because I don’t appreciate it enough.

The darkness consumes me in these moments. Rather than sucking Lennox into my misery, I slip my arm out from beneath her and face the wall, shutting out the sun. It’s a taunt. The people around me are happy, and outside, it’s shaping up to be a beautiful day. Yet here I am, stuck in my brain, practically suffocating in my emotions.

Will I ever get over this? I’ve always hoped that not having Lennox in my life was the issue. But even with her beside me, even after the greatest night with my family, I’m back in this place again.

It’s been over a month since I felt this way…I really thought I was past this.

“Morning, handsome.” Lennox’s voice is raspy. Innocent and easy. Sexy and delicious.

I blow out a breath, trying to summon the happy guy she enjoys so much. I’d been doing so well. Showing her a good time. With my family. With our friends. In Boston. In our bedroom. Everything had been so damn good. “Hey, Lex.”

Soft fingers press against my back and then slide across my side, sending a shiver down my spine as she settles them around my stomach and pulls her warm body against mine. “Last night was fun.” She drops a kiss to my back.

I try so hard to focus on the way her lips feel. Search for the pleasure in this moment. This is quite literally my dream. Having her all to myself. Her soft, naked body against mine. Having her . And yet…

I feel nothing.

Well, that’s not completely true. I feel empty. Morose. Heavy. And my frustration leaves me loathing myself. The darkness threatens to swallow me whole.

“It was,” I reply, my voice a distant echo of nothing.

She nuzzles against the back of my neck. “Sar said everyone is heading to the beach at ten to continue the festivities. Want to get a quickie in before we shower or while we shower?”

Both . That’s what I wish I could say. I want to force a smile. Take her into the shower and do very bad things to her. But I can’t summon the energy to move. If I tried, my dick probably wouldn’t even show up. That would be so much worse than lying here, letting her think I’m uninterested.

But I care about her too much to do that. She asked for honesty, and if I can’t give her bright and shiny Aiden, the least I can do is give her the real me.

“I can’t.” My voice is devoid of emotion, like a robot has taken me hostage.

She slides a hand over my hip and grips me. “Was I too rough last night? You need me to kiss it better?” Hooking her leg over mine, she pushes me to my back and straddles me.

My expression, or lack thereof, maybe, has her backpedaling almost immediately. “Sorry.” She pushes off my chest, ready to dismount.

I grip her thighs and hold her in place. Her fallen expression makes it clear she believes I’m irritated by her, or maybe not attracted to her. That’s the farthest thing from the truth, but she won’t know that if I won’t fucking talk.

Some days, fighting my demons for myself feels futile. But for her, I’ll walk through hell. Even if it’s a hell of my own making. I’ll give it all I’ve got.

“Sometimes, after a really good day, I feel off.” Pressing my lips together, I study her, forcing myself to hold eye contact, begging her to hear my innermost thoughts and ignore the robotic tone. “Like I should be happy. I should walk through life with the biggest smile on my face. Because I’ve got everything, Lex.” I squeeze her thighs again, signaling that she’s the everything I’m referring to. “But all that smiling. All the energy it takes to garner smiles from everyone around me.” I take a steadying breath. “It just?—”

“It costs you,” she whispers, her blue eyes swimming with emotion.

“You too?” I say, hope worming its way into my heart for the first time today.

She shakes her head, and I deflate. “I don’t give of myself like you do, Aiden. You make everyone you encounter smile, but it’s at the expense of your own mental health.”

Eyes closed, I blow out a breath. My body is weak. My mind is weak. My heart hurts. I hate that I can’t just put on a smile for her. I hate that I can’t be normal. That these dark moments plague me the way they do.

“You should go to the beach with everyone. I just need—” I roll my head to one side, looking out the window into the bright day. Forcing my eyes shut again, I exhale. “I just need darkness.”

The loss of her is instant, but I’m too numb to feel the pain of rejection when she slides off the bed and walks away from me.

She’s going to leave. She should. I told her to. Rather than watching her go, I survey the ceiling and muster the courage to tell her to have a good day. When the room is suddenly shrouded in darkness, the ache in my head begins to ease.

The bed dips, and then her warm hand is on my abdomen and she’s curling herself against me, holding me tight.

“What are you doing?”

“Holding you.”

I still beneath her, my breath catching. “What?”

“Just relax.”She presses a kiss to my chest.

“You don’t have to sit here with me. I’ll be fine. I just need a few hours.”

“That’s fine. We’ll lay here together in the dark.”

“Lex.” This time, my heart pangs, and emotion clogs my throat. “Go. Have fun. Don’t let my depression ruin your day.”

She nuzzles into me and squeezes me tighter. “I’m right where I want to be, Hockey Boy.”