Page 30 of The Lady Was Lying (Greydon #3)

“You are kind to my family,” she continued. “And worst of all, you don’t seem discouraged by my personality.”

There was nothing he could do to stop himself from smiling at the last one. He was unequivocally happy that she saw him so clearly.

If only he could do the same with her.

“Stop smiling,” she demanded.

“It’s impossible. I can’t do it. You like me.”

“Liking you makes it worse,” she snapped.

“When my mother suggested I needed to know a man before I kissed him, it was like a thunderclap. My world was silent, and then it was loud. It made so much sense, but if I test her theory and it turns out she’s wrong, I’ll have nothing left.

No hope. Nothing .” Blinking rapidly, like she was trying to keep more tears from appearing, she stepped toward him.

“I thought I’d accepted my spinster status, but now I wonder if I’ve been lying to myself all along.

What if the future I’ve spent years planning for isn’t the one I’m meant to have? ”

“Then you’ll adjust. Make new plans,” he responded, hoping he sounded more confident than he felt.

The pressure she seemed to be placing on a single kiss was rather extreme. How could he alleviate it?

“What if I ask your brother permission to court you? We’ll make it official. Proper, even. I’ll escort you around town. Give you the time you need to see if you can feel comfortable enough with me to take the chance.”

“No. I don’t want to be courted.” She stomped her foot. “We’re past that. Maybe you were right. Maybe we should kiss. Get it out of the way. Then we will know. One way or the other.”

“What?” He scrambled to follow her logic as his head spun. How had she jumped from no to yes in the span of ten seconds?

No matter what her reasoning, she was putting him in an impossible situation. His conscience screamed at him to tell her no, step away, and give her space, but he couldn’t do that to her. Not again. If she was going to take a chance on him, then he had to be willing to do the same. “Are you sure?”

“Not at all. But that’s why we have to do it. Right here. Right now.”

The pressure rose. Tension settled between them. Had there ever been a kiss that carried more weight than the one they were about to share?

Heart thundering in his chest, he asked, “What if…you kissed me?”

“But—”

“—you could be completely in control.”

“I’m always in control.” The waver in her voice contradicted her confident words.

“If you kissed me, we could be sure that I don’t overwhelm you. Or read the signs wrong.” He paused when he noticed the way her jaw had clenched. “Or?—”

“—you won’t overwhelm me.”

“If I do, will you tell me?”

* * *

“I’m not as good at recognizing my emotions as you might think, but I’ll try to be transparent with you . ” It was the best she could do. Lying at this point wouldn’t serve either of them.

Her nerves were noticeably absent as his hand settled at her nape and his breath ghosted across her lips.

She exhaled steadily, their breath mingling, and placed her hands on his chest. It was firm, even through layers of clothing.

Her eyes drifted shut and then sprang open again as she continued to lean closer and closer until his lush bottom lip brushed against her top one.

They both stilled at the contact and let themselves acclimate while they shared the same air.

Finally, as if planned, they both tipped their heads slightly to their right and he closed the distance between them, pressing his lips against hers. Their mouths stayed closed while gentle pressure was exerted.

The kiss was tame. Almost awkward.

But not unpleasant.

Experimentally, she moved her lips. Not much, but enough that his parted and their mouths slotted together. The gentle suction of him tugging her bottom lip a bit further into his mouth caused a stirring in her chest.

A whimper escaped from her throat, and he released her lips.

“Too much?” he asked, his breath dancing over her cheek.

“No. At least, I don’t think so.”

The desolation she normally experienced while kissing was absent, and she was almost certain she wanted to keep kissing him. It wasn’t necessarily desire, at least not as she had imagined it, but it wasn’t indifference either.

He gently pressed his lips against the soft skin below her ear.

“What if I do this?” he asked.

“That is good,” she murmured, letting him explore a bit more before her lips found the tip of his nose.

“Very nice,” he encouraged, shifting so he could lightly kiss her eyelid.

They kept trading tender, almost feather-light kisses, murmuring encouragement as they went. He had just touched his lips to the corner of her mouth when she shifted and pressed her lips fully against his. “Kiss me for real,” she whispered.

“It’s all real,” he murmured in return.

Was it? Could kissing be…peaceful?

It was difficult to reconcile her past experiences with the present. She’d spent so many years believing that kissing needed to be fully encompassing that she’d never stopped to consider what it might be like to share softness and gentleness.

The kisses they were trading weren’t about passion, at least not as she understood it. Instead, they were steeped in tenderness.

Kissing him allowed her to relax.

To simply feel.

It was nice. Not earth-shattering. Not yet .

But maybe it could be. Maybe if they tried, they could share hundreds of kisses, with none of them exactly the same.

For the first time in her life, she wanted to experiment. To keep kissing. That, in and of itself, was earth-shattering.

Her hands hadn’t strayed from his chest since they’d started, but now that she was more comfortable, she trailed them upward over his shoulders until they cupped the back of his neck. Her forehead tipped forward to rest against his.

“I like kissing you,” she admitted.

She hadn’t realized he was holding himself stiffly until the muscles in his shoulders and neck relaxed. “I like kissing you too.”

Their next kiss had less hesitation.

More confidence.

But the same sweetness.

Their mouths opened, perfectly in sync, and their tongues tentatively explored.

Like the first bud in early spring, it was as if she had been waiting for enough sunlight and water to blossom into a flower, and under his gentle care, she was slowly unfurling.

It was such a measured awakening that it was difficult to track, but it was definitely happening.

A door opening somewhere down the hall vaguely registered. Brisk footsteps sounded, getting closer, and even though she heard them, they didn’t penetrate her consciousness enough to convince her to pull away.

An exasperated voice suddenly said, “Belinda,” and she stiffened.

It had been years since she’d been in this situation, but that didn’t mean she had forgotten the helplessness of being caught in the arms of a man by her brother.

Her response was pure instinct, an echo of the past she’d tried to forget. “Sebastian,” she said, dropping her hands and simultaneously stepping away from James.

“I needed a bit of fresh air,” she added even though she remained indoors. It was a variation of what she always said, but it had never hurt before. Maybe because she’d never been caught with someone who mattered. Or maybe because it had never fully felt like a lie.

“Greydon,” James said. “It isn’t how it looks. I?—”

“No,” she interrupted, not ready to hear whatever he intended to say. “Sebastian doesn’t require an explanation. Not from me, and certainly not from you. This isn’t the first time we’ve been in this situation.”

Both men turned to face her.

James’s gaze pleaded with her to let him finish while Sebastian’s remained blank.

Her heart pounded in her chest. Sweat gathered at her nape. Clammy palms clenched at her sides. Failing to admit that James was different reduced him to another bad decision in a long line, but she didn’t know what else to do. “Please don’t. I can’t…”

“Belinda.” James’s voice was quiet. It would have soothed her if she’d been capable of being soothed. “When I came to London, I had firm beliefs about courtship. Meeting you utterly destroyed those beliefs. Nothing about our interactions has gone as expected, and yet you’re the woman I want?—”

Panic, both familiar and unfamiliar, forced her to interrupt . “Don’t say it. I won’t agree. I refuse to trap you.”

“You aren’t trapping me,” he argued.

“You’re lying. Your honor compels you to do the right thing. You told me who you were the night we met, and I didn’t understand then, but I do now.”

Kissing her without a promise of commitment violated his sense of honor but he’d done it anyway. She wouldn’t steal his future just because he’d succumbed to desire.

“More than my honor is engaged,” he argued.

“No. Don’t say that.” She gripped her own forearms, squeezing the flesh and trying to ground herself. “We got caught up in the moment just now. Once you have a minute to consider what you truly want, you’ll realize this was a mistake.”

“Have you not been paying attention? I didn’t ask to kiss you until I knew .”

Her heart stopped. How could he be sure? How could she be sure? “If you ask, I’ll say no. Please spare us both the misery.”

She spun on her heel and stormed away. Out of the library. Up the stairs. Into her bedchamber.

He didn’t follow.

He couldn’t follow .

Even if he’d been willing to break his own rules of propriety, Sebastian would never let him into her bedchamber. Knowing he was unable to pursue her was cold comfort because, although she didn’t deserve to have him chase after her, a part of her wished he would.

* * *

“I’m sorry,” Greydon said after Belinda had disappeared and the two men were alone.

“Sorry?” James asked, staring through the empty doorway, his mind spinning.

How had everything gone so wrong?

And what did Greydon have to be sorry about?

“Belinda asked me to keep her away from you, and I failed. I didn’t take her warning seriously enough, and I wasn’t available to perform proper chaperonage.” He sighed. “I’m never where I need to be when I need to be there.”

Between Belinda’s reaction to his almost proposal and Greydon’s apparent guilt, James wanted to pound his head against the wall. It would be far easier and much less frustrating.

“What do you think happened here?” he asked, his teeth tightly clenched.

“I can’t begin to guess. Belinda is complicated.

When I first brought her to London for her debut, I assumed she was like our mother, but I soon found that they could not be more different.

Their actions are similar, but their reasons are decidedly not.

Over the years, I’ve attempted to understand, but I obviously haven’t succeeded.

In many ways, Belinda is as much a mystery now as she was then. ”

James did not have enough information about her mother and her past to comprehend exactly what Greydon meant.

“Belinda is fiercely loyal and protective of everyone except for herself.” Greydon sighed again. “She’s been different since the ball. More agitated. Less content. I thought it was just bad memories resurfacing, but now, I think it might have been you .”

James had been increasingly tangled up in her since the night they met, so it stood to reason that she felt the same.

“I like Belinda, and contrary to what you just witnessed, she likes me too. This thing between us started at Jane’s debut, before we were formally introduced, and while she might not be willing yet, I will convince her to marry me eventually. ”

Greydon’s eyes widened. “You’re serious. You truly want to marry Belinda.”

“Quite serious.”

“That is…not what I expected. Hell. I promised Belinda she never had to marry, and I was truly convinced she never would. I won’t go back on my word. The only way you’ll earn my blessing is if she tells me that she has changed her mind.”

“Understood. It isn’t like I plan on forcing her.” He wasn’t even sure if it was possible. “I’ll wait as long as necessary for her to choose me.”

“As long as necessary.” Sebastian pinched his nose. “I appreciate your earnestness. It’s heartening and sweet. I do, however, feel as if I should warn you. Belinda is exceedingly stubborn, and when she digs her heels in, it’s almost impossible to get her to relent.”

James tried to seem like he wasn’t worried. Just because he had no idea how he’d change her mind didn’t mean he wouldn’t figure it out. “It might take me some time to convince her.”

“Would you like my advice?” Sebastian asked slowly.

James wasn’t in a position to decline help when it was offered. “If you think it’ll be useful.”

“Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. But if you truly want to marry her, you’ll need a strategy that allows her to say yes without having to actually say yes.

I’m not suggesting you should trick her or attempt anything underhanded, because she might be hard pressed to forgive you if you did.

But the only way you’re going to get her agreement is if you convince her that you want to marry her without making her return the sentiment. ”

“That is…not particularly helpful.”

“Sorry.” Sebastian shrugged. “I told you that I’ve never quite understood her.

It’s easy to make assumptions about Belinda, and whether it’s intentional or not, she has a tendency to feed incorrect theories rather than deny them.

You’ll have to pay as much attention to what she does as what she says. ”

James nodded. He had certainly made assumptions about her when they first met.

Her behavior hadn’t been what he expected from an unmarried woman, and he’d assumed that anyone so forward was not the sort of woman he’d choose to be his wife.

It had taken far longer than it should have for him to realize that she was exactly what he wanted.

Now all he had to do was convince her that he was right for her.

He was reasonably intelligent.

Surely he could devise a plan to win her trust.

And her heart.