Page 27 of The Lady Was Lying (Greydon #3)

“I’m still not fully convinced you can’t experience passion.

” Her mother held up her hand before Belinda could comment.

“I do believe that you haven’t experienced it yet.

Maybe kissing was not the right place for you to begin.

It didn’t occur to me that it was a possible stumbling block until just now, but there are other paths you could explore.

Maybe you’re one of those girls who requires extensive courting.

Maybe you require hand-holding and talking, instead of kissing and fucking.

” She wrinkled her nose. “Or…you could…um…heavens—I don’t know.

You are entirely outside my realm of experience.

Perhaps you could…ask Sebastian to arrange a marriage for you.

Plenty of unions are created for reasons other than love.

Your husband could find passion with others if he can’t experience it with you.

Whores do exist for a reason.” She snapped her fingers.

“Or maybe you would be well-suited to marry a man who prefers other men?”

“Mother.” A laugh slipped out of Belinda, bordering on hysterical.

She shouldn’t have been surprised. Her mother had always lacked the ability to temper her thoughts.

And she’d always been unapologetically blunt.

Suggesting that Belinda should marry and not bed her husband was akin to blasphemy.

How would they acquire an heir if they didn’t copulate?

“I refuse to marry a man and then send him elsewhere to find his pleasure. I would rather be alone than abandoned.”

“ Alone . That’s foolish.” Her mother waved her hand in the air. “And you misunderstood what I was saying. If you don’t satisfy him, you won’t have to send him anywhere. He’ll find his own way to someone else’s bed.”

“Mother!”

“What? It’s true. I mean…it’s never happened to me personally, but plenty of other women have lost the interest of their husbands, and in those cases the men explore other options without needing encouragement.”

Belinda’s hands flew up to cover her ears, but she couldn’t quite block the sound of her mother’s chuckle.

“No need to act like a prude, Belinda. You might not enjoy kissing, but you aren’t shy or innocent. You can comprehend pleasure even if you haven’t experienced it. Consider embarking on a courtship without kissing. Maybe affection will grow, even if desire does not.”

Over the years, it had occurred to Belinda that kissing as many men as she could was horrid advice. However, she hadn’t spent much time considering the reason why it was lacking. She’d simply assumed there was something wrong with her.

Something broken.

Something that couldn’t be fixed.

But now, she wondered, what if there wasn’t something wrong?

What if she wasn’t broken?

What if it had been her approach that had been the problem all along?

Was it too late to change direction? And what would happen if she did?

Would James be interested in her if she hadn’t tried to kiss him or threatened to seduce him during their initial encounters?

Would she be interested in him if she had kissed him?

Or was he simply a loose thread that she needed to pull?

“There’s one thing I don’t quite understand,” her mother said. “If kissing isn’t something you want, why are you still doing it?”

“It isn’t a lack of want.”

“If it isn’t working though…”

“When Sebastian cut my season short and sent us to Greydon Hall, I decided I would remain a spinster forever. I stopped actively seeking men for quite some time, but you are right, I do attract attention whether I intend to or not. I was not any happier avoiding kissing than when I was kissing indiscriminately, so I allowed myself to experiment without expectations and with an even wider variety of men, but the results have remained consistent. I keep thinking I’ve accepted my spinsterhood and then something spurs me to try again. ”

“Because you want to be loved,” her mother stated, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“Loved,” she echoed.

“It’s only natural to seek love.” Her mother smiled as the clock in the hall began chiming.

“Oh no. Is that the time?” Rising to her feet, her mother looked at the door.

“I’m going to be late. I’ll speak with Charles to see if we have space in our schedule to call again before we leave.

In the meantime, tell your brothers and sisters I called.

” She waved over her shoulder as she glided through the room and then disappeared into the hall.

A moment later, she reappeared in the doorway.

“I clearly should have told you this ages ago, but I didn’t realize it was necessary.

It’s foolish to live your life according to someone else’s rules—mine, included.

If I understand correctly, it’s been years since you discovered kissing isn’t the way to your heart.

Don’t you think you owe it to yourself to try something new? ”

“But…” Before Belinda could add anything else, her mother was gone.

The resonance of her words remained, and Belinda had no idea how to reconcile her past with her newfound clarity.

Did the conversation with her mother change everything? Or nothing?

With more questions than answers, she called for tea for herself, since she’d never requested it for her mother.

* * *

Belinda was lying on her back in the window seat staring up at the blue sky when Sebastian and Emmeline stormed into the library. Her thoughts had been a maelstrom of emotion when her mother departed, but now that a couple of hours had passed, she was less upset.

Not entirely unbothered, but certainly calmer.

Nothing had changed in her present circumstances. Even if her perspective was altered.

“Mother was here?” Sebastian asked, coming to a halt when he reached her side, his eyes clouded with concern. “You spoke with her?”

Belinda nodded. “She says she may return with Charles later in the week if her schedule allows.”

“If her schedule allows,” he repeated before sighing and running his hand through his hair. “Did she say anything else? Did she do something to upset you?”

“She called me frigid,” she stated unemotionally.

Emmeline appeared in Belinda’s line of sight, her mouth hanging open. “What a horrid thing to say. Why would she call you frigid?”

“Because kissing leaves me unaffected. It always has.”

“There is nothing wrong with you,” Sebastian staunchly declared, pinching the bridge of his nose.

He’d known the truth for years now, and when she’d first told him she couldn’t experience passion, he asked what he could do.

Instead of offering platitudes, he’d promised that she’d always have a place at Greydon Hall, and that she’d never have to marry.

His assurance had made life immeasurably less fraught.

“You know better than to listen to our mother.”

“I do, but she is not incorrect this time. At least not entirely. If you set aside your assumption that she’s wrong, you’ll have no choice but to admit that her conclusion makes perfect sense.”

“That doesn’t give her the right to show up and fling her thoughts about indiscriminately. We haven’t seen her in years, and instead of asking after the family and engaging in social niceties, she belittled you.” His outrage was more comforting than she wanted to admit.

“She didn’t belittle me, although she did suggest I ought to stop kissing altogether.

At least until I determine whether it’s possible for me to appreciate a gentleman for his character.

” Forcing a laugh, Belinda made sure her smile lingered as she dropped her legs to the floor and sat up.

“Even you can appreciate the suggestion that I try conversing with a gentleman instead of sneaking into empty corridors and deserted rooms to stick my tongue down their throat.”

Sebastian groaned. “Belinda.”

“Heavens,” Emmeline said, shaking her head. “That is…well…you don’t seem terribly upset, but…are you sure you’re all right? Even if a part of you agrees with Vivienne, surely it was a difficult realization to make.”

“I’m fine.” It was nearly the truth.

“And you want to take her advice? You want to attempt a more sedate approach to courtship?” Sebastian asked slowly.

“I wouldn’t say that I want to. Or that I’m going to. But it does make a certain amount of sense. At no time have I made any effort beyond endeavoring to establish a physical connection with a man. If she’s correct, then maybe…” She dropped her gaze, unable to finish the sentence.

Emmeline leaned over and whispered something to Sebastian too softly for Belinda to hear.

A moment later, her brother’s boots trod out of the room, while Emmeline sank onto the window seat next to her.

“Your mother might be correct. Or she might not be. Either way, you don’t have to follow her advice. ”

Belinda blew out a breath. “It’s just…”

Emmeline seemed to understand, laying her hand gently on top of Belinda’s. “I imagine it’s confusing.”

Was it confusing? Or was it simply frustrating?

“What if I can enjoy kissing in the right situation and I’ve been approaching it in the wrong way?” She bit her lip. “I’m not sure if I’m more terrified that she’s right or that she’s wrong.”

“I don’t have answers, but I do have thoughts if you’re interested in hearing them. While I can’t guarantee they’ll help, I can’t see how they’d hurt.”

Belinda nodded once.

“My situation wasn’t quite the same as yours, but before I married Sebastian, Clarissa told me that lovemaking was transcendent.

She bade me to enjoy it. To revel in it.

She made my brother seem like some sort of lothario and herself the recipient of immeasurable pleasure.

On the one hand, her confidence increased my apprehension.

I had no prior experience, and I still didn’t actually know what to expect.

On the other hand, I was eager, and I had no reason not to believe her.

My expectations were raised to an unreasonable level, and I didn’t even realize it. ”

Belinda wasn’t sure how she was supposed to respond, because her situation was far more complicated than having unrealistic expectations.

“The first time was awful,” Emmeline admitted softly.

“Awkward and uncomfortable. We barely knew each other. Didn’t kiss at all.

Our union was meant to be practical, but there is nothing practical about lovemaking.

It’s physical of course. But it’s also emotional.

Your brother is the most handsome man I’ve ever seen, and I found myself attracted to him from the moment we were introduced, but it wasn’t until we knew each other better that the lovemaking became transcendent. ”

Talking about her brother’s sex life probably should have made Belinda uncomfortable, but she’d discussed sex with her mother for years and was therefore rather used to it.

“You think my mother is correct, then?”

“I couldn’t say. But it is easy to apply what we’ve witnessed in others to ourselves. Regrettably, it isn’t always suitable. In my experience, it can even be futile and confounding, especially if your expectations are not met.”

“A new perspective doesn’t necessarily change anything. I’m still…me.”

“Perhaps it doesn’t change anything overtly, but it does allow you to see yourself more clearly.”

“I’m not confused about who I am.” Or was she?

“Then why have you been so gloomy lately?”

“Because I didn’t get what I wanted.” In frustration, she pressed the heel of her hand into her forehead. Why did James’s rejection still bother her so much?

“What did you want?” Emmeline asked.

“It doesn’t matter. It isn’t an option any longer. I need to forget about it and move on.”

“Moving on can be hard.” Emmeline reached out and clasped her hand. “I imagine whatever is bothering you matters quite a bit, but if you don’t want to talk about it, I won’t push. Please remember that Sebastian and I are here for you. Whatever you need. You know that, right?”

“I do.”

If only she knew what she needed, she might be able to ask for help.