Page 78 of The Impact (Parachutes #3)

I Know What You Did Last Summer. That was the movie with the man slicing white people from groin to throat with a hook. Tahli knew what that felt like. Every fucking time someone brought up that day.

“Sometimes I wish the whole thing was a dream,” Tahli breathed out, too truthful. “That I was back in my bed waiting for him to get off that plane. Sometimes I wish that I was still living the lie.”

“What lie?”

“The happy lie.”

“You think your happiness was a lie?”

Tahli slit eyes at her father.

“If I would’ve known about DJ, I probably wouldn’t even have been with Dalvin all of this time.”

“And if I would’ve had that lunch meeting with Bert Dreossi on September 11 th , at 1 World Trade Center, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now. You and Leah wouldn’t have had a father. Maybe they would have let Vanessa have you. Or maybe you would’ve gone to foster care or something.”

“That is so irrelevant.”

“It’s all relevant, Tahli. Life is a whole bunch of maybes and what-ifs, baby girl.

I think the problem is you keep thinking there’s some formula to get through this shit.

Some rules you have to follow. You thought if you divorced Dalvin, went on a two-week self-discovery, meditated, moved out, got a new man, dyed your hair, and got a new car and tattoo, that was going to erase the last 15 years of your life. It don’t work like that.”

Tahli’s eyes rolled up to the roof, emotion jabbing her.

“Why are you bringing all of this up now? It’s over. My marriage is over. Drew is over. Therapy is over. Reconciliation? Over. It’s just me... Maybe Vin’s right. Maybe when he moves to LA, that will be the final piece to the puzzle. Real boundaries.”

“Dalvin’s what?”

“He’s moving to California. For business.” Her father’s mouth fastened. “He’s going to fly in on the weekends to see the kids and wants them on breaks. But apparently there’s an incredible amount of money on the table and without Munch…it’s on him. So…he’s moving.”

She shrugged. A second later, her lip quivered. Tahli shielded her eyes with her hand.

No more fucking tears for Dalvin Hayes. Her father was there with a hand to her shoulder, and it sank in surrender.

“I feel weak as hell, Daddy. I hate how I’ve been lately. You didn’t teach me to be like this. I don’t even recognize myself. Getting engaged in a fucking year. Cheating on my fiancé with my ex-husband? Like who am I?”

“Human. You’re human, baby.”

Not an excuse. She used to have her shit together.

“Pain is a scary son of a bitch, Tahli. People do all kinds of shit to escape the burn. But you can’t run from that motherfucker.

You gotta sit in it. Then it starts to dissipate.

But the thing is, you’ve tried everything but sitting in it.

You gotta sit in it. Then you can truly forgive Dalvin.

And you must forgive him. Not for him. Respectfully, fuck him.

This ain’t about him. You gotta forgive him for you .

So, you can let that pain you’ve been walking around with, go.

Then you see what you’re left with. Then you see how you move on from there.

That’s it. It don’t get no fucking simpler than that, Tahli. Whatever’s gonna get your smile back.”

Her gaze carried off out of the window. “Then what am I supposed to do? To get my smile back?”

“That’s the point,” her father stressed. “There is no supposed to. ” Her father reached into the pocket of his slacks, pulling out an envelope.

“What is that?”

The man who raised her swiped his tired eyes. “I found that in the garage yesterday and tossed and turned all night about how to give it you. It was on a goddamn CD-ROM. I had to have to it transferred to a USB.”

“What is it?” Tahli pressed, but her father stood up.

“I’ll let you see on your own.” Robert stalled at the door. “Tahli…do you remember when you first met Dalvin, and you told me you didn’t know if it was going to work out? Do you remember what I made you promise me?”

Tahli chuckled gloomily, recalling it so crisp, even those new feelings for Vin. “You made me promise that whatever decisions I made, I made them for my happiness.”

Her father nodded wordlessly. A second later, he was out of sight, but his wisdom still lingered.

It looked like a closet.

It was a closet.

A closet that Tahli had forgotten but remembered instantly as soon as she plugged in the USB and pressed play.

Their old house when she was in middle school.

Sixth, maybe seventh grade. There went Cree Autumn with wild hair and eyes.

When was her mother ever in that house? From Tahli’s recollection, her father and Vanessa had moved into that house when they married, and Tahli’s mother was long—

“Holy fuck ,” Tahli blew out.

Tahli’s mother had briefly returned from the dead and Robert had broken Vanessa’s heart, taking her back. Even moving Cree into the home he and Vanessa had shared.

“Give me a minute!” Her mother’s curly fro whipped from the camera to shout behind her. “Shit,” Cree whispered. Tahli’s father’s heavy voice wasn’t clear, but it was decipherable as him.

“I don’t care, Robert!” A second later, more shouting and her mother hopped up. “Robert, I said I don’t fucking care!”

Her mother sat, only to jump up again. “Fine! Chicken! Well, whatever. Steak, then! Can I just get five fucking minutes? Please!”

Repositioning in front of the camera, her mother crossed her legs, and Tahli could see it. A familiar weary. Lost, voided stare. If the eyes were the windows to the soul, Cree’s were trapped somewhere else. The kind of void that made a woman escape.

But Tahli didn’t share the relief her mother felt when Tahli decided to run. Tahli only felt relief when she returned…and briefly returned to someone else.

“I don’t have long,” Cree whispered.

Tahli assumed she meant in this self-made bomb shelter, until her mother’s eyes lifted to the unseen ceiling of the closet, and Tahli leaned into the heaviness of the moment.

The unspoken words in her mother’s teary eyes and quaking hands, as she licked her lips tasting whatever she was about to say first. “Eight…maybe ten years? That’s without the poison.

No chemo, no treatments, no half-ass quality of life.

.. There’s a holistic doctor in Honduras that I’m going to see.

He’s the cousin of a bandmate of mine and we’re making a natural treatment plan.

Then he’s traveling with us.” Her mother’s eyes dropped in shame at the admission of leaving.

Tahli pulled in a shocked breath, the puzzle pieces floating together. Her mother’s ovarian cancer that no one knew about until she was gone.

She knew.

“I know a better person…a better wife…a better mother…would stay here with you.” Tears streamed down her mother’s face.

“A better woman would stay, take the treatments... Spend whatever life I have left with my family. Maybe stick around to watch Leah have children or see Tahli graduate from college. Some version of me would be here, anyway. Not the real me. I need you to know that I tried to make it work. I really did.” Her mother bit her lip.

“But I can’t spend the rest of this life deciding between beef and chicken.

Folding laundry and having date nights with superficial couples with stale conversations.

I gave it a shot. For all of you. But I’m losing my mind.

Even more, I’m losing pieces of myself every day.

I came back for you—Robert, Leah…my sweet Tahli.

.. But I think I have to go for you, too.

You don’t need me.” She shook her face, a small smile on her lips.

“Robert has done an amazing job raising you. And whatever he lacked, Vanessa has credibly picked up the slack. I said horrible things to her, but the truth is, some women were born with that natural nurturing thing—and those are the women who deserve to be mothers. But sometimes, even the universe gets it wrong. Because there’s something very sad inside of me.

It makes me self-serving and bitter and angry.

The only time I don’t feel it is when I’m creating.

As much as I love you, being a mother and a wife has not brought me fulfillment. ”

Tahli’s eyes flooded, imagining saying those words to Dali. How much it would hurt her. It would feel like this.

“I never had a steady home and maybe that’s why.

My mother was a Vegas showgirl, and we lived a fast life.

I bounced from city to city with her and I was smoking cigarettes at eleven and I had my first tongue-kiss with a grown man at thirteen.

So maybe that shit’s in me…who knows. But I’m afraid if I stay here and …

you’re going to get the roots of me. That resentment is going to leak into you. And you all deserve more than that.”

“Hey!” Banging on the door was followed by a rattling, like he was trying to open it. “You in the fucking closet, again? Come on, Tiff! Tahli needs help with her science project and I’ve gotta run Leah to soccer practice–”

“I just need a minute! Just one more minute.”

Her mother covered her mouth for some grueling seconds and Tahli could see the turmoil.

Slowly, her hand lowered as she seemed to wait for guaranteed privacy.

“I love you, Leah. And I love you, Tahli. I really do. I love you, Robert. So much. But I…I have to go. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be gifted before I move on to the next phase of existence.

But I want to do it smelling flowers, and feeling sunshine…

tasting rain, and making passionate love.

So, one of the best gifts I could give you is letting you continue to live the life best for you.

Leah, Robert is going to give you your sound mind and you really took to Vanessa.

She’s going to make you a real lady. Church and babies and all that.

You’ll probably bake like her. You’ll resent me, and that will be fine.

Because you’ll have love. And Tahli…you scare me, child. ” Her mother laughed solemnly.