Page 23 of The House Guest

Staring at myself in the mirror, I moved my gaze from head to toe. The fitted bodice was nice, but the tulle ballgown wasn’t my style.

“I’m not sure about this one.” I pouted.

Lucy moved her finger in a circular motion. “Turn around.” When I did, she added, “The back is gorgeous.”

Holding out the sides of the skirt, I grimaced. “I think it’s a bit…much.”

“Let’s face it. You’re gonna be a beautiful bride no matter what you’re wearing, but if you have any doubt, it’s not the one. Simple as that.”

I looked over at the smiling store attendant. “This isn’t the one. I think it looked better on the rack than it does on me.” I shrugged. “Sorry.”

“No need to apologize,” she said. “Helping you find the perfect dress is what I’m here for. Any idea which direction you want to go? ”

“I feel like I want something a little less conventional. Do you have anything with feathers or maybe in a blush color, not stark white?”

To my surprise, she didn’t hesitate. “Actually, we do have a couple of dresses embellished with feathers. They are white, though. Let me find them. Be right back.”

After she left, Lucy chuckled. “Feathers? What, are you hoping to escape the wedding and fly the coop?”

She had no idea the nerve she’d hit with that comment. There was, indeed, a part of me that sometimes felt like flying away when I thought about the wedding.

It wasn’t that I didn’t love Casey. But from the moment he’d proposed, I’d been unsure if marriage itself was the right decision. Yet perhaps the biggest reason that all of this did make sense was the two little eyes looking up at me right now.

“Mommy, you look like a princess.”

I lifted my daughter. “I figured you’d like this one. It makes me look like a Disney character, doesn’t it?”

I wasn’t originally going to bring my three-year-old daughter, Rosie, dress shopping, but since her father had to work, and the one person who could babysit was here alongside me as part of the bridal party, I didn’t have much choice.

Having her here now, though, and seeing the way she looked up at me, so proud, I had no regrets.

Most kids don’t get to see their mother marry their father.

That was one plus about having gotten pregnant at the start of a relationship and doing everything in reverse order.

“I have to go potty,” my daughter announced.

Lucy stood. “I’ll take her.”

“Thanks, Luce. ”

Lucy was my best friend here in Cincinnati. We’d met in a children’s clothing shop while pregnant with our kids and had been inseparable ever since.

I continued to look at myself in the ballgown as I reflected on how far I’d come in five years.

After I’d moved back to Ohio from California, I’d been in a rough place for about a year, feeling really lost and alone.

I never went back to art school and mainly just waited tables to pay the rent for my small apartment.

Then I’d met Casey, a software engineer who owned the single-family house across from my apartment.

One night we were both taking the trash out at the same time, and we got to talking.

That was the first time since Dorian that I’d felt a connection with someone.

Casey was smart, kind, and came from a big, warm family who lived in town.

They took me in and made me feel like part of a tribe.

It was a sense of safety I’d badly needed.

Was it insta-love between Casey and me? Definitely not. Our relationship had grown over time. I did love Casey, but it wasn’t the frenzied kind of love I’d felt for Dorian. But experience had shown me that kind of love couldn’t be trusted as real—at least not in the way it was returned.

About a year into my relationship with Casey, I got pregnant after a condom broke at the most inopportune time.

I’d gone off birth control after the Dorian breakup, vowing that I was done with men and done with the side effects of my IUD.

So Casey and I had used condoms from the start.

All it took was one breaking to change my life and bind me to Casey.

He hadn’t forced the relationship with me, but it made sense to work on things for the sake of our child .

Rosie was my reason for getting up every morning.

I was eternally grateful to have been given what I never knew I needed.

If I’d had a choice, I might never have become a mom for fear that I couldn’t provide enough for my child.

But sometimes the universe knows what you need before you do.

I certainly never imagined I’d love being a mom as much as I did.

And I thought I’d done a pretty good job of it thus far.

Lucy and Rosie returned from the bathroom, and shortly after, the attendant brought out two more dresses, one of which immediately caught my eye. It was strapless and fitted until just below the knees and had strategically placed feathers throughout. This definitely seemed more my style.

I pointed to it. “I’d love to try that one.”

After I put it on, I knew it was the one. “This is it,” I said as I looked in the mirror.

Lucy tilted her head. “Really?”

“You don’t like it?” I asked, immediately deflated.

“I think it looks gorgeous on you. I just feel like you haven’t tried on that many to make a decision.”

I shrugged. “When you know, you know.”

If only I felt that secure about the marriage itself.

Was a piece of paper really necessary to prove a commitment?

Casey and I had our daughter to link us forever.

To me, that was greater than any legal document.

But marriage and family meant so much to Casey.

I also knew how much it would mean to Rosie when she was old enough to understand.

Right now, she just knew there was going to be a big party to celebrate her mommy and daddy, and she’d get to wear a pretty dress .

“I’m sure,” I said. “I love it. There’s not one thing about this dress that I would change.”

“Okay, then.” Lucy smiled. “I’m so happy for you. And Casey is going to die when he sees you in it.”

“I don’t want Daddy to die,” my daughter cried.

“Oh no, honey. It’s just a saying. Don’t worry,” Lucy assured her, flashing me an apologetic look.

I looked down at my daughter. “Do you like this dress?”

She scrunched her nose, shook her head, and giggled.

“Not sure if I can trust that reaction, silly girl.”

After the woman took my measurements and some photos, she poured Lucy and me each a glass of champagne to celebrate saying yes to the dress. Orange juice for Rosie.

She put the champagne bottle on a side table. “Shall we go over to the bridesmaid selections now?”

I looked over at my friend. “Definitely.”

“How many in your wedding party?” she asked.

“Just Lucy and my daughter.”

“Did you want your daughter to wear a white dress?”

“I was thinking something like a mini bridal dress, yeah. Rosie will want something with a flowy skirt. And Lucy can select whatever color and style she likes.”

The attendant flashed me a skeptical look. “Shouldn’t you be choosing the color of the wedding?”

My ambivalence was probably becoming obvious.

Maybe a red flag, even. Why hadn’t I cared about the flowers when Casey’s mother asked me?

I guess this just didn’t feel like a significant way to prove anything.

I didn’t have the energy to delve into whether there was any deeper meaning to my attitude .

“I’m open,” I said. “Details like this sometimes make me flustered, so it’s easier to let someone else choose. If I could afford a wedding planner, I would’ve let them make all the decisions. I can work around whatever Lucy chooses for her dress.”

“Okay, then.” She smiled. “Follow me. We have lots of choices.”

I held my daughter’s hand as Lucy and the woman walked ahead of us. She brought us into another room that had a rainbow of dresses tightly sandwiched along a rack. The idea of having to choose among them made my head spin.

“We’re gonna be here all day.” Lucy laughed.

“You must have some idea what color you like,” the attendant said. “That way, I can narrow some choices, since not all dresses come in all colors.”

Lucy ran her hand along the gowns. “I was thinking maybe a blue. But not quite blue. A hint of green.”

“Like an aquamarine,” the woman added.

My chest tightened. “Neither blue, nor green. Aquamarine.”

My mind fell into a haze as an unwanted feeling of sadness and longing overtook me.

Dorian. I’d tried so hard to keep my unresolved feelings for the man who’d shattered me at bay, but when they came up unexpectedly, as they sometimes did, it was always painful.

How could I still have these feelings for a man who’d thrown me away?

And it wasn’t just that he’d discarded me; he’d made me trust him fully before doing so. That had forever ruined my faith.

Trying to forget Dorian over the past five years had been a skill I’d practiced, a muscle I had to exercise.

And it was a technique I’d nearly perfected.

But occasionally, something would smack me in the face and remind me of him.

It wasn’t that I missed him—how could you miss someone who broke your heart?

But I did miss the experiences I’d had with him before he ended things.

I missed the innocence I’d never get back.

And I missed the connection I’d felt with him, even if it had been an illusion.

I’d never been able to replicate that with anyone.

I missed the way I’d felt during those months. I missed waking up and looking forward to each day. I missed the passion I’d thought we shared. I missed the girl I’d been before the fantasy was destroyed.

Lucy snapped me out of my thoughts. “Are you okay, Primrose?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you all right? You look like you’re about to cry.”

“I do?”

“Yeah…” Lucy said. “You’ve been staring into space, and you look sad.”