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He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, but then he does. “At first, I couldn’t believe she was gone.” His voice is full of pain, and it hurts my heart. “I protected her with my life. I was sure that I engulfed her so that nothing could hurt her, not even when I felt extreme pain all over my body. The last thing I felt against my chest before I blacked out was her heartbeat. She couldn’t be gone.”
I don’t even know whether I can hear their story now. It hurts too much.
“Liam,” I say, not wanting him to keep telling the story if he can’t. But another part of me wants him to let it out so that he doesn’t become too angry.
“I don’t f*****g know why, but a part of me says she’s still alive, living somewhere, and breathing,” he continues, as his dark grey eyes go even darker.
He sounds like he has a lot more to say, but suddenly his face drops. His face is full with sadness.
“Even if she were still alive, I might not be able to recognise her. My f*****g eyes…”
When I hear him say it, my heart practically stops. I instinctively reach out to soothe him by holding his hand, but as soon as our fingers meet, he jerks away as if my touch is fire.
He starts to pant and pull away from me soon.
I wish I hadn’t done that right away. I went too far. Liam wasn’t ready for it, even though it was just a tiny bit of consolation.
I know that my reaction hurts her, even if I can’t see her. After I break her hand, I can hear her weak gasp.
I want to turn off. I don’t want her warmth right now. I don’t like how she makes me feel weak. I despise how hard she’s trying to tear my heart out and examine what’s within.
I can feel her moving away from my bed, and it makes me want to punch her. Damn. I don’t know how to fix things now that she’s gone. I wait for her to leave my room, but when I hear her footsteps, I realise she’s going the opposite way.
“Can I turn on the music player?” she asks.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t mind it, and I suppose she knows that since the next thing I hear is music coming from my record player.
The sound of old melodies fills my chamber, and my heart sinks. I haven’t used this music player in a long time. When I have trouble falling asleep, I normally listen to music on my phone via my headset. So when this song plays on my vinyl record, it makes me think of the last time it played in my room.
It was a year after my parents died when I performed what my therapist told me to do. He urged me to let out my feelings about losing my parents so I could go on. My parents used to dance to this song all the time.
I cried so hard the last time I heard it in this place. At that time, I was 12.
It’s incredible that the music player is still working.
Emily hums a little. “I think I know this song,” she says softly. “Yeah. I think this song was playing when I was learning how to slow dance at school.”
Dancing.
I think of the day Emily asked me to dance in the rain, and I really want her to feel that way again, especially after I just said no to her.
I don’t know if it’s just my guilt or if I really need to hear her laugh again.
“Do you want to do it?” I blurt out.
She doesn’t say anything in return.
Of course she doesn’t. If I don’t make it plain, she won’t get what I’m trying to express. I feel so dumb all of a sudden.
“To dance,” I say. “Do you want to dance to the music now?”
Emily laughs quietly after a time. “Only if you dance with me,” she offers with a hint of mocking. “Anyway, the dance is for two people.”
I don’t say anything, but I’m sure she can see that I’m not against it.
“Come here,” she adds in a happy voice.
I don’t want to, but I stand up. I have no idea what I just said. I can’t dance, and this is going to be so f*****g embarrassing.
“Come on. It’s okay. I won’t bite,” she teases again, and my frown just makes her giggle.
My heart races as she takes my hand. She puts her other hand on my shoulder.
“Have you ever done this?” she asks.
I ask in a threatening way, “You think?”
“I was just asking.”
I can feel her arms move when she shrugs.
“If that’s the case, I’m going to teach you a little,” she adds. “I’m not an expert, so I’ll just tell you the basics.”
My lips make a tiny line. I could seem calm in front of her, but I’m very worried.
I’ve never been this close to another female.
She’s too near. I can smell her aroma even better, and I can feel the warmth of her body on mine like it’s a part of me. Her hands are very little compared to mine. Either mine are too huge or hers are the size of a little girl’s.
“Okay, now I’m going to step to your right, and you just have to follow me.” She does as she says, and I follow her.
But I can’t concentrate since we are so near to one other. Her touch makes me feel like I’m on fire, and her lovely smell makes me feel like I’m inhaling heroin.
“Again,” she says.
I almost trip because I can’t focus.
“Easy,” she says. “We’re going to do this slowly. Now, to your left.” She goes over the steps again, but I still can’t keep up.
After a few more minutes, we eventually get into a groove, but I still make a few mistakes now and again.
It’s funny that I can practice martial arts like a pro yet couldn’t even execute these easy steps. She’s making it hard for me to focus.
Emily eventually stops as the music changes. “Okay. You’re not so bad.”
I squint at her.
“Okay, you’re really bad.”
She laughs, and her wonderful laughter fills my spirit like a narcotic I have to consume.
I don’t even know if she’s a medication or a poison, but I don’t mind taking her.
What the hell am I thinking?
“Read,” I say out of the blue.
She must be bewildered since she doesn’t say anything else.
“Excuse me?” she says again.
“Read,” I say again. “You once asked me if I read anything. I read books. I want to do that now.”
“Oh, sure,” she responds hastily, sounding ashamed that she just found it out.
She draws away, and my heart already misses her warmth.
I stroll over to the reclining sofa and seat down. Emily follows me and pauses next to the bookshelves.
“Which books do you want to read?” she asks.
“Not the braille books. I’ve read them all,” I say. “I want to read something else.”
She stops talking, which makes me think she’s a bit lost.
“Can you read it for me?” I ask, shocked that I can talk so well. I generally tell people what to do and make them cower in front of me.
This gal is making me different. I don’t believe she understands how much she affects me.
“Sure,” Emily responds.