Page 16 of The Gossip War (Pride and Prejudice Shorts #1)

We gathered like two armies on opposite sides of a battlefield (as my clever wife predicted).

The pernicious Bingley family sat on one side of a table with our army on the other.

In our earlier discussion, we decided I would join the fray with Lizzy, Darcy, and Jane at my side.

My wife gave considerable thought to attending, but eventually decided it was tactically better for her to be absent, though it nearly killed her to miss the fun.

She wanted the Bingleys to think she was out wielding her axe already.

Darcy and I also discussed who would primarily speak. Contrary to most evidence, I can be stern and cantankerous when I want to, I just rarely do. He reluctantly agreed I had a better chance of making our case without strangling any of our opponents.

I made my opening gambit with the hardest voice I could muster.

“Mr Bingley… Miss Bingley… I am far more familiar with so-called good society than you imagine. I have not used my connexions to date—but rest assured they exist. I am most seriously displeased!”

It was obviously shading the truth a little, since all my connexions to the first circles were in the room two feet from me, but they could not know that.

Miss Bingley looked like she was stupid enough to say something, so I continued without pause.

“To have some common trollop try to compromise my son-in-law is beyond the pale.”

Bingley had all the sense of a goose. “I object to your description of my honourable sister who was fooled by a rake, and I seriously doubt he was your potential son-in-law at the time.”

So, the knives were out! So be it.

“Are you willing to call both Darcy and Elizabeth liars to their faces?” I said emphatically with my best hard stare.

Miss Bingley looked like she would, but her brother had just barely enough sense to realise he was in some danger, and calling Lizzy a liar may well get him a thrashing.

“I shall not go that far, but their engagement seems… conveniently timed.”

“In the unlikely event you ever meet the right woman, you will know how to act when the time comes.”

“What if I already have?”

“Then you should not be here. Travel to wherever she is in the world and woo her. I can assure you, in the strongest possible terms—she is not in Meryton.”

I wondered if the man was addlepated. Perhaps he thought to trade my Jane for his silence, or thought to threaten her with publicly breaking and spreading rumours about her stay at Netherfield, or who knew what? No man with a sister like his could be depended on to act rationally.

“I will—”

I was tired of his insolence, so spoke over him before he did his case any more damage.

“ Mr and Miss Bingley! We are at cross purposes. Lizzy and Darcy’s engagement is an established fact. Another fact is that you and your sister attempted the vilest of crimes.”

“I dispute—”

“Do not dare!” Darcy said with a far more menacing tone than I could muster.

It is hard to say what would have happened with three men with their dander up, had Lizzy not entered the fray.

“Before you men start talking about breakfast for one, shall we get back to the purpose of this little meeting.”

That doused our flames a bit, and we all settled down.

Elizabeth said, “If you will, may we face facts.”

We were getting to the heart of things, so I took over with my planned speech. There was no need to make her do all my work.

“The inescapable fact is that things happened in this house that could damage all our reputations. I have the most daughters at risk, but also the most powerful ally. I suppose you can hurt me, but Darcy can crush you. We are at an impasse.”

“My sister is still compromised,” Bingley said with mulish determination.

“I think not, and if she is, it is by her own hand… and yours!” Lizzy snapped, seemingly feeling left out. “That said, I very much expect you spread some money around for silence as William asked.”

“I did,” he replied mulishly, looking like he recognised her name for William as something he had not counted on. Good!

I leaned forward and gave him a stern look. “You should understand this. We can absolutely destroy you socially. My wife could do it by herself, without Darcy or me lifting a finger. That said, you cannot get a pig out of the mud without getting dirty.”

“What do you mean?” Miss Bingley screeched.

“Reputations are funny things, Miss Bingley. I suspect you are a practitioner of the dark art of spreading unfounded rumours. Such an action would kill you but injure us in the process. I will not allow that threat to stand.”

“What do you mean, allow?” the pup asked, and I thought we were getting somewhere.

I leaned back, removed my spectacles, and cleaned them with my handkerchief, not because they needed it, mind you, I just wanted to build tension.

“We had a war council this morning to decide whether to destroy you completely and utterly… or come to some accommodation. You could start rumours that would harm us… and neither Darcy nor I will allow that.

“I will not allow you to rush to town, marry some blunderbuss so you are more or less protected, then start your campaign.”

Jane let it be known that we were speaking for her. “We do not plan to live with the Sword of Damocles over our heads.”

Darcy finished, “We need to come to a binding agreement here and now. If we do not, we will unleash the dogs of Jane Bennet, and you have no idea how badly that will go.”

Jane blushed but did not contradict her new brother. Everyone knows still waters run deep, so the incongruousness of the assertion set the Bingleys back on their heels, as Darcy intended.

To be honest, I was not certain Jane could be as hard as the job demanded when it came right down to it, but I had no qualms about believing it of my wife. Of course, I would do my part, as would the Darcys.

It fell to the sober Mr Hurst to ask, “What do you mean, binding agreement?”

I recognised the signs of surrender. There was a man built for surrender, and the others would lose their courage soon enough.

I reached into my valise and laid out a sheaf of papers we had worked feverishly with my brother-in-law to draw up that morning.

“The future Mrs Darcy invented this… mutual destruction pact .

I took the liberty of bringing a notary as witness.

This document lists the terms of the agreement, and then describes exactly what happened here last night, in terms that will have the ton twittering over it for months and papers running extra editions.

“None of us would escape unscathed if it were released, but you would get the worst of it.

“If released, now or later, it would have about the same effect as if you did your worst right now. It would harm us but destroy you.”

Bingley looked ready to pitch a fit, so I continued.

“We will all sign multiple copies and notarise them. Each group will keep a copy, with the explicit, legally enforceable agreement, but they will only be used if one side breaks the bargain.”

“What do you mean enforceable?” Bingley asked, finally showing his mettle, such as it was. His sister looked ready to scream, and might have, had he not put his boot on her foot with the obvious suggestion he could easily do worse.

“It is a contract, like any other. It names the conditions that would allow release of the document in some detail. If either party breaks the bargain, the other could sue them in the courts and probably win.”

Darcy added, “I will also make a substantial wager at Whites, as will Bingley and Hurst in my presence, that each side will keep it confidential. If it stays hidden, the bet will never be called. If it is released, it will cost the releasing party a great deal. The courts are one thing, but the betting book at Whites is quite another.”

“Retribution can be expensive,” Elizabeth added blithely, though I suspect she was just goading Miss Bingley.

Bingley was about to say something, but Darcy pre-empted him.

“Before you say anything, read the contract and the document so you know what you are about.”

Then he handed a sheet to each.

They whined about it for a while but eventually started reading.

Miss Bingley let out an ear-piercing scream about halfway through the first page. “What do you mean another compromise attempt?”

Darcy looked like he would like to give her a set down, but Lizzy beat him to it.

“Miss Bingley, you tried to destroy the love of my life.”

That lady snorted and laughed aloud at that, while her brother tried to wave her to silence.

Elizabeth leaned forward and spoke emphatically, though without the anger one might expect. “Miss Bingley, I will give you this advice for free. He is, in fact, the love of my life. I love him more than you can imagine. You may believe that or not as you choose, but if you do not, then I pity you.”

“ PITY? ” she screeched, which left Darcy flinching at the idea of ever hearing such again.

Elizabeth continued blithely, “Yes, pity. You have every possible advantage. You are rich, and what the fashionable world considers beautiful and well educated.

“You could have any number of men, but if you pick him based on his purse, I think you will eventually rue the day.

“Thirty years hence, my loving husband will be by my side, having been there for three decades through thick and thin.

“If you carry on as you are, thirty years hence your husband will be moving on to his thirtieth mistress.”

Miss Bingley gasped at the sheer vulgarity of the statement (or at least pretended to), and may well have continued her assault, but her brother had read the whole contract and started realising we had the whip hand.

“What if we do not all sign?” he asked fearfully.

Darcy said, “I will send those copies to my aunt, a patroness of Almacs, The Times, and anywhere else that seems useful.”

Even Miss Bingley gulped at that. She, at least, could understand what was at stake.

The Darcy’s would be mortified and humiliated, but it would be forgotten in a year or less, while the Bingleys would never be welcome in London again—something Lizzy would welcome, but Miss Bingley thought a fate worse than death.

Darcy said, “We obviously will no longer associate with you, but if you sign, leave Netherfield forever, refrain from any further compromise attempts, and never move against us—we will not cut you. We will mostly ignore you. I will even take over the lease of Netherfield.”

Miss Bingley said, “I, for one, will not sign.”

Darcy shrugged and rang a bell he had arranged on the side table when nobody was looking.

His valet, who was standing guard, opened the door instantly.

“Call for the express rider, Fletcher.”

“Easily done. He is but ten yards away.”

Miss Bingley turned white as a ghost, and her brother showed the first bit of sense I had yet to see.

“Let us not be hasty! Will you allow us to… confer?”

“Certainly.”

I could be magnanimous in victory, which was what this was starting to smell like.