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CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO

SEVEN YEARS EARLIER

T he nurse had a kind face with rosy-red cheeks like the Pink Lady apples that Laurie had sometimes stolen from the boxes outside the greengrocer’s shop. They could never afford to buy them, and she remembered thinking what a lovely name they had and how exquisite they must taste. So one day, she stole two, and they tasted just as she expected: deliciously sweet, just like syrup.

‘You’ve had the counselling, Laurie. Are there any questions you’d like to ask me?’

The taste of the Pink Lady apples left Laurie’s lips as she pulled herself back to the present. She shook her head.

‘You’re happy to go ahead?’

‘Yes,’ she said so quietly that the nurse barely heard her.

Anika squeezed her hand tightly. ‘I’ll be here the whole time,’ she assured her.

Laurie’s legs had begun to tremble, and she was sick with nerves. Somehow, she couldn’t stop thinking of the life inside her. Surely, this was no different to murder, but the counsellor had assured her repeatedly that it wasn’t like that and had explained everything to her, showing her diagrams to help.

‘It isn’t a fully formed life yet,’ she’d told her.

‘This way,’ said the nurse, leading her to a cubicle and handing her a green gown. ‘If you’d like to change into this, leave your clothes on the chair. I’ll be back in a moment.’

Laurie stepped out of her clothes, forcing herself not to think. The sterile gown slipped on easily, and she then sat on the chair holding her clothes and waited. If only Anika could be with her the whole time. Then there wouldn’t be any chance to think. Laurie jumped when the door opened.

‘Okay?’ asked the nurse.

‘A bit nervous,’ said Laurie.

‘That’s normal, but there’s no need to be.’

Laurie followed the nurse along the corridor and then felt it. It was so fleeting, just a tiny flutter, like a butterfly’s wings. She stopped abruptly and laid a hand on her stomach. Could she do this? You’ll be a useless mum , a voice in her head whispered. You’ve failed at everything else. What makes you think you’ll be a success at this? It will live in a shit hole and turn out just like him. There it was again, the flutter. Was it nerves? They said it was too early to feel the baby.