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The Phoenix in the Night

Grace

The world is cold.

It’s a cold I’ve never felt before. It chills me down to my core, venturing deeper than my bones and soul. It’s a cold so penetrating, I fear I’ll never be warm again. I will never sit at the fire while my mom braids my hair with delicate fingers. I will never feel Fallon’s warmth as he holds me in a strong embrace after a long fishing trip. I will never hear Evie’s playful laugh as she teases me, smirking with her sly smile and the smell of the forges smoke in my nose.

My death is cold.

I feel heavy.

I feel dark.

Why is it so dark? This place is gloomy and murky. I feel as if I’m stuck with no way of knowing where to go. I cannot see where I am, but even I know my soul is lost in this solemn clasp. Fear fills me as the darkness engulfs me. A whisper creeps into my heart, I am not meant to be here. Death has not embraced me as he promised. I heard his calls; he was enticing and his song promised warmth. He lied. My soul is revolting as I scream into the black abyss. I wail for help, for guidance, for anything, but this. I am not meant to be here!

“Calm child.” A lilted female voice calls to me, making me surrender my cries. White light awakens me, filling my vision. She is bright and warm and beautiful. And yet, I am still so cold.

“Where am I?” I hear my voice, but it is not my own. This voice is quiet and scared. This is not me.

“I agree. This is not you. I have heard your prayers. I saw your death,” the mystery woman sings.

I am dead, I knew this. But how, I cannot remember. Who is this bright light calling to me? I can’t remember anything. “Will you warm me?”

“I see your life, and I can return it to you. I will bring you your warmth once again. For you, I will do this.” Her voice is a calm promise.

Excited confusion fills me. The light lady is going to save me? I will live?

Her laugh sings through the space like a thousand little birds. It’s the warm breeze flowing through the fresh spring grass and the waves of an ocean crashing into shore. She’s the sound of the first laugh of a little babe and the crickets on a warm summer night.

A melody of a Goddess.

And then, she’s gone, taking the warm light with her while the dark, biting cold remains. All my hope is broken as I wait for a promise to never be fulfilled. The light lady never comes back. I am just a dusty, faded rug, wallowing in the wind. She had beaten the dirt out of me, leaving me a hollow husk. This dark place is cruel. Fear creeps in once more, finding every nook in my soul and bringing my deepest fears to life. I feel eyes on me, everywhere all at once, as if I’m being judged. Despaired moans escape my lips as I let loose a loud wail. I cannot stand it here, please, this cannot be my fate.

The mystery woman had promised to give me life. She had promised to give me warmth. She had said—

A whoosh of air enters my lungs, and it’s hot, a burning so intense I cry out. It’s white-hot burning aches in my body and shoots through my bones. My very blood, a bubbling fire as it courses through me. I try to inhale, but I’m choking. Where am I? I’m flailing and floating, kicking my arms and legs, I’m moving yet stuck. My body blazes with every muscle I use, with every twist and turn. I’m choking, burning, and I’m fucking dying all over again.

I spot a small, muddled light above me, and I flail toward it with everything in my being. I realize quickly, I’m in water . Hope fills my heart, and I start moving with urgency through my underwater darkness. I swim, with every fiber of my being blazing under my skin, I race. Now my soul burns in a new way. I burn for my family, I burn for the trees towering over our land, I burn to run through the meadow. I am going to live. I’m getting closer to the top. I can see the water rippling at the surface and the waves passing overhead. I’m almost there, but I’m choking. My lungs are at capacity, they are ready to burst for air. I’m not going to make it.

No .

I start seeing memories of my mother as I flail in the grim water. Every bedtime she read to me by firelight as the darkness crept into the cottage, even when it was far past my time to go to sleep. My mother had a laugh that crinkled the corners of her eyes and filled the house with song. Her happiness was contagious. She taught me how to catch a hermit crab in the tide pools while the sun was just gifting the sky its light. She gave me lessons all about gardening and chased me with long worms she pulled from the dirt. We played games, her, Fallon, and I. She chased us around the garden while Fallon and I pretended to be deer eating her veggies. She loved me. She loved us .

Us . Fallon. I cannot leave him. My brother, I love him dearly. Our relationship is strong, we’re different than others, but we don’t care. We’ve depended on each other for so long. Dad died, and Mom got sick. I still remember the times we shared a bed while one of us wept, desperate for a change. Desperate for hope. We depend on each other. Right now, all I have is Fallon. I can’t leave him.

I can’t die.

A new sense of urgency pushes me forward. I need to get back to him. I need to get back to my mom. She needs me now. I must get to her. I desperately kick and push and flail up. I won’t give up. I am going to live. I have been given a second chance and I’m going to use it. My chest feels like it’s about to explode, and my body is slowing, but I’m almost there. Blackness starts to creep into my sight, my vision fading. Just a little more.

I reach the peak of the water and explode past the dark ocean surface, just in time to inhale the biggest breath I’ve ever taken. The biting cold air burns its way into my lungs, and I cough painfully. I greedily inhale the salty ocean air again and again until I am no longer desperate for breaths. The tangy waters leak from my ears, my frosty nose, and my mouth as I sputter. I made it. I’m alive and I made it.

I scan, through my burning eyes, the vast ocean expanse and see the shore not too far off. I recognize the cliff point protruding high into the sky and realize I’m on Coarse Beach. Pa took us here all the time when Fallon and I were little. We climbed the point multiple times; Fallon and I still do. That means it’s only a small walk north to get home. I glance to the sky; it’s already sunset. The sky is a painting of pink and orange across the fluffy clouds. I float on my back and giggle, screaming my joy into the frigid air. I wave and splash, the rolling waves covering my face with each pass. I spit mouthfuls of salty seawater back into the ocean. I surrender to the serenity. I’m alive. It’s sunset, and I’m going to see my family.

I get to the shore absolutely exhausted, crawling, each hand slapping hard into the thin waves as I buckle under my weight. I collapse onto my back on the rocky beach and stare at the faded colors in the sky. The shore is known for its beautiful pebbles, but right now I could kill for some sand. I lie there for a while, catching my breath, the rocks digging into my back as I stare into the darkening night sky. I need to get home; it looks like I’ve been gone a full day. Mom and Fallon must be worried sick. It takes me extreme effort to push myself out of the pebbles, my muscles fatigued from the swim and from being … dead. Was I dead? Did I dream all of this? I start my walk onto the rocky path toward home, going much slower than usual. It was so dark, but there was a white light while I was out. A Goddess? She brought me back, didn’t she? No, it was a trauma-induced dream. I fell into the damned ocean.

That doesn’t sound right.

What happened that night? I was making a prayer to Mene for Mom and—Harry. He hit me. My head, I hit my head on the statue. I reach around to touch the back of my head, but it’s not the slightest bit sore. Strange.

Wait, did he throw me into the ocean? I’m gonna kill that prick.

I reach my house long after dark, my feet scuffling as I drag my legs forward. I look up, my chest winded as I breathe heavily, and I see smoke coming out of the chimney. Warmth . An excited sob breaches my lips as my teeth chatter. A hard shiver racks through my body as the drenched clothes cling to me. I can’t help it. The idea of a warm fire makes me sprint the rest of the way. Body soreness be damned! I run across the garden and throw my weight into the door, slamming it open and rushing in. I see the fire and groan, I’m almost there. I start to dash forward when a hard body tackles me to the ground. I feel the air whoosh out of me as my cold bones hit the hard wooden floor.

Pain shoots through my body, and I look up to see a pale-haired idiot on top of me. “Shit, Fallon, get off me. I’m freezing!” I shout at him angrily.

Fallon instantly leaps off and falls backward, stumbling away from me like a frightened crab. His eyes are wide and mouth agape like he’s seeing a ghost. “Gracie?” he whispers.

“You know I hate that! What’s wrong with you?” I shake my head, rubbing my sore elbow. “That really hurt.”

“You—You’ve been gone,” he breathes.

“I know, I’m sorry. Things went weird at my prayer. Stupid Harry Prickler threw me into the damn ocean. I’m back now, though, but I have to get more of Mom’s medicine,” I say apologetically.

Fallon’s eyebrows furrow. He’s quiet as his broad chest rises and falls rapidly.

“I’m sorry, Fallon.” I eye the roaring fire. Gods, I want to go over there and warm myself, but he’s acting weird. “Fallon?”

“How long do you think you’ve been gone, Grace?” His voice is barely above a whisper.

“What’re you talking about? It’s been maybe a day.” I’m met with silence. “Fallon, I swear to the Mother Moon you better spit it out and stop looking at me like that.” I kick at his bare feet with my squishy cold boots.

“Grace, you’ve been missing for three weeks. I thought you were dead. And judging on your appearance, why do I feel like I was right?” His breathing is shallow as he studies me.

“Three weeks?” I speak quietly. “That’s not right. What do you mean my appearance? I know I’m a little tired and wet from the ocean, but …” I trail off, retreating to my thoughts. How could it have been so long? I wouldn’t have survived being in the ocean for three weeks. That darkness … how long was I in that darkness? Is it possible I didn’t actually survive?

“Your hair is white, Grace. Like, really white. You’re as pale as a ghost and your eyes are as blue as the deep depths of the ocean. What happened to you?” Fallon leans in, inspecting me like I might still be dead.

I stand quickly, my muscles protesting, and run to the mirror in my room. I gasp at my appearance. Mother Moon . He wasn’t joking. My hair is as white as fresh fallen snow on Solstice Eve. My eyes have turned a vibrant blue as if those deep depths I was just in had soaked into my very essence. Flashes of what happened the night of the full moon come rushing back.

My Gods, I really didn’t survive. He actually killed me. I was dead. The coldness creeps its claws into me, shivering up my spine; I was dead and in the ocean … in that darkness . The bright light, it was the Moon Goddess, it had to be. Mene brought me back. I furrow my brows as I turn to look at Fallon. He looks like he hasn’t been eating for days. He’s skinny with dark circles under his eyes. I don’t think he’s slept at all since I’ve been gone. “Fallon …” My heart aches for him.

“Grace, there’s something else …” he says in a whisper. “About Mom.”

My heart sinks to the floor. I stare at him. “What happened?”

“She’s, um, not doing so great. The doctor came by today. He said it’ll be a miracle if she lives through the night.” Fallon stares at the floor as he can’t meet my eyes.

“You haven’t been giving her the medicine have you!” I accuse. “How could you Fallon. That medicine was healing her.” I knew he was going to give up on Mom. He wanted to stop giving her the medicine, and now she’s coincidentally getting worse?

“I gave it to her! I promise, Grace, I gave it to her every day. It wasn’t helping anymore, but I still did it for you. I know I wanted to stop, but then you went missing and never came home. I went to that temple, and there was so much blood, Grace, I knew it was you. I knew you didn’t survive it. There’s no way someone could survive losing that much blood. So, I kept giving Mom the medicine, because I knew you wanted it. It’s what you died for, and I wasn’t going to forsake you too.” His voice breaks from raw emotion and fresh tears well in his eyes.

My heart aches. I have no words for Fallon. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. My brother saw the blood and knew I had died. He mourned me and still took care of Mom for me. His appearance makes sense, I’ve been dead. And now Mom is dying too. My brother was going to be alone. Tears start streaming down my face. “I love you. I’ll never leave you again, I’m sorry.” We embrace for several moments without saying a word, basking in each other’s warmth. I hold him tightly, nuzzling my face into his toasty dark sweater.

He was going to lose both of us, but now, it’s just Mom. My mother. This can’t be true. I can’t lose her, I need her. There are still so many things we haven’t done together yet. I’ve missed so much time with her.

“I need to see her,” I whisper into his knit sweater, the fabric scratching my face.

Fallon lets go of me and grabs my cold hand, leading me to her door. I stare at her dark oak door, remnants of painted flowers still dance across the frame. I smile sadly at the memory of painting them with her. It was my first birthday without Dad, and she got me a batch of paints. I have matching flowers on my door. She must have had to spend a fortune on those paints for me. My breathing turns into short, rapid breaths. I’ve been in her room so many times, but somehow, I can’t get myself to reach out my hand and turn the worn golden knob.

“Grace, I won’t judge you if you can’t go in. You’ve done so much for her, I’m sure she would understand.” Fallon speaks to me calmly, with the voice of a wiser and older brother.

“No. I need to do this. I need to say goodbye.” My voice breaks at the thought of saying my final goodbyes to my mom. I take a shuddering breath and let it loose, finding my courage.

Silently, I open her door, the hinges creaking low as I peek into her room. She lies quietly in her bed, where she always is. Her favorite quilt lays across her. Mom always said she likes it because it reminds her of cocoa. Except, I know it was her favorite because it was Dad’s. I walk up to her slowly and gaze at her for a moment. Her breathing is low and ragged on her frail frame. When did Mom get like this? Tears drop onto her face, and I blink, startled. I wipe at my face feeling wetness smeared on my cheeks. Are those mine? When did I start crying?

Mom opens her bright green eyes and looks at me, her breathing picking up in rhythm. Her eyes hold so much emotion; pain, fear, longing, sorrow … acceptance. She shakily reaches a weak hand up to me, and I bring it to my face.

“That’s the most she’s done for a while now,” Fallon whispers in awe, his deep voice breaching the silent room.

I put my hand on her sunken cheek. “I love you, Mom,” I croak, holding back my sobs. We stare at each other for a while, breathing whispers into the air.

I think of all the things we’ve done together and all the things we’ll never do. I think of how life will be so different without her. She was so strong when Dad never came home. Can I be strong without her? I wish she never became ill. My mother was good, she didn’t deserve this. As I stare into her eyes and silently cry, I think of one thing for certain. I wish my mom could live.

In a flash, a pain triggers deep in my chest. It aches and shoots through my heart like a scalding dagger. I gasp as it continues through my body, making my bones cry out in pain from the intrusion of pressure, and my muscles weaken. My legs are shaking, and my knees are buckling. I’m panting from the exertion to stand. Vision darkens around the corners of my eyes as my head feels loose. Everything starts to spin and the room whirls. Mom furrows her brows and looks at me in fear just before she takes a large gasping breath.

She takes another and another, until her breathing evens and becomes normal. Her sickly pale pallor gradually becomes a pinker more even hue. Her thin, frail frame fills out as she gains several pounds instantly, and her hair becomes more vibrant and regrown. She looks completely healthy again, as if she were never sick to begin with. Wide green eyes stare at me for several long minutes.

“Mom?” My voice comes out as a weak whisper. I’m gripping the old bed frame with my hand, trying to keep from falling over, my knuckles turning a ghastly white.

Fallon rushes over and wraps an arm around my waist, taking my weight and helping me to stand. “What in the Infernal Blazes just happened?” he asks in disbelief.

Mom refuses to speak. She continues staring at me with fearful eyes.

“You never said what happened to you, Grace,” Fallon whispers into the hushed room.

What did happen to me? It all comes out in a rush, “Harry killed me and threw me off Silver Bluffs Point. I’ve been dead in the ocean the last three weeks. The Goddess of the Moon brought me back to life and then I came here.”

Fallon stares at me for a moment. “Well, fuck.”

“Fallon Teller, you watch your language!” Mom yells.

My brother and I take a sharp breath in.

Mom .

“Gracie,” Fallon says in awe. “You healed Mom.”