Page 52 of The Ecstasy of Sin

When I finally get to my feet, I’m shivering from the cold, wondering what the hell I’m going to do for the night. It’s so much easier to cope with stress when you have a warm bed to sleep in.

Thinking of the money that Dominic left for me, I brace against the guilt and embarrassment that hits me. I should use some of the money to get a room at a motel for the night.

Another emergency, and another addition to the debt I owe him. A debt I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to repay. It’s either that, or sleeping out here in the cold and rain.

My eyes roam the darkness that surrounds me, searching for the man that has been stalking me since we met weeks ago at the clinic.

I find nothing but empty shadows.

Maybe he finally realized how worthless and hopeless I am.

I squeeze my eyes shut again. I’m tired of crying. I’m just… tired of everything, really.

Survive tonight,I tell myself.Survive, so tomorrow, you can submit your MAiD application and be done with this.

I dig through my soaked backpack, my fingers clumsy and cold, and find something solid near the bottom. When I pull it free, my eyes widen.

Vanguard Fitness. 24-Hour Access. And it has one month left before it expires. I can’t believe I forgot I had a gym membership. I bought it months ago when there was a promotion, and still had a job.

Getting a shower at the shelter is always hit or miss, depending on how busy it is and how many kids are staying the night.

Showers make me feel a little more human, and I like to take one every day if I can. The membership wasn’t intended for exercise, it’s for access to the women’s locker room at any hour of the day or night.

This is a better option than using Dominic’s money, and owing him a debt I can’t repay.

Grabbing my pack, I sling it over my shoulder and head in the direction of the gym. Thoughts of a hot shower and a quiet locker room fill my head with something other than my overwhelming sadness.

***

WhenIarrivedatthe gym, I felt like a ghost. The overnight attendant at the counter didn’t even look up at me when I quietly entered in the dead of night, and the second overnight staff member didn’t acknowledge my existence as they went about their night routine.

The entire building is quiet, and I was relieved when I entered the women’s locker room and found it completely empty, the lights dimmed for the overnight hours.

It felt good to strip my soaked clothes from my body, peeling every frigid layer away from my skin as I undressed in the silence.

And when I finally stepped into the steamy spray of water in the small shower stall? Pure bliss.

I pulled the frosted curtain closed and stood beneath the stream, letting it chase away the cold still clinging to my body.

The way a hot shower feels after a miserable, freezing day is poetry. It’s the redemption arc I’m desperate for.

Nothing makes me feel more human than this.

More than ready to wash away the day, I reach over to the soap dispenser bolted to the tile wall and start scrubbing every inch of myself. Sweat, grime, rain, and tears swirl down the drain in a whirl of temporary absolution.

I wish it could take the heaviness that has settled in my soul away with it.

If I could crack open my chest and let the water rinse every ugly thought from me, I would. Maybe then I could find the strength people insist lives somewhere inside all of us.

As I’m rinsing off the soap, mesmerized by the suds as they slide down my skin and disappear into the drain between my feet, a strange sound echoes through the large communal shower room.

I can’t figure out what it was. I pause, leaning away from the hiss of the shower head to listen, but a few moments pass and I don’t hear it again.

I assume it’s just the staff, maybe closing a door or moving through the locker room. Shrugging it off, I tilt my head back under the stream, rinsing the shampoo from my hair as I hum softly under my breath.

There aren’t many moments in a week where peace feels possible—let alone in the mess of my entire life. So, I have everyintention of lingering in this shower for as long as I can, before it becomes unreasonable, and I need to get dressed and figure out some way to keep myself busy until sunrise.

My eyes are still closed, and I use a small amount of soap to wash my face for the third time. There is water streaming over my face to wash it all away when something moves, casting a huge shadow into the semi-private shower stall.