Page 51 of The Ecstasy of Sin

The moment I stepped outside, I was drenched. The rain poured so heavily it was hard to see through it. It soaked through my jacket in seconds, helping the bitter wind sink right down through the fabric to my skin.

Still, I made the long walk to the library, because despite being so exhausted from the endless job hunting, I couldn’t stop. Thanks to Dominic’s generosity, I had medication for a little over four more months, but it wasn’t going to last forever.

Although he left me money and a gift card in my backpack, and refused to take it back, I couldn’t bring myself to use any of it. I didn’t want to take from him, especially after he saved my life.

When I finally arrived, I paused in the entryway, using the sleeve of my sweatshirt to wipe some of the rain from my face andneck. The library staff stared at me like I was a cockroach tracking in filth.

I ignored the sting of their judgmental stares and forced myself to keep walking, my chin held high, like I wasn’t a homeless girl seeking a few moments of shelter in their public building.

My feet started to ache as I walked up the wide staircase to the top floor, finding an empty computer so I could get to work. I typed up my résumé just as I’ve done a hundred times before, but right when I was ready to print off some copies, the power went out.

And it stayed out. For two hours.

I had no other option but to wait. I couldn’t even apply for jobs from my phone without the WiFi to access the internet.

I was exhausted in a way sleep couldn’t fix. My fatigue was a ghost living in my bones, whispering to me the sweetest cruelty, reminding me that I could give up whenever I wanted to.

I’d lost my application forMedical Assistance in Dyingbefore I ever had a chance to drop it off. And with everything that has happened since meeting Dominic, I hadn’t thought to print it and try again.

But today… today made the idea tempting again. I couldn’t help but feel like everything was stacked against me. Like the universe was determined to see me fail.

When the power was finally restored, I printed my résumés and headed back out into the downpour, dropping them off anywhere that looked like it might be hiring; fast food joints, diners, gas stations and convenience stores.

Around four in the afternoon, I got a call from a company I’d applied to earlier in the week. The owner said they had just lost two employees and needed immediate replacements. They asked if I could come in for an interview at five and start that night if it went well.

Hope flared in my chest like sunrise breaking through the storm—but it dimmed the second I realized they were all the way across the city.

Despite my reluctance, I pulled out the bundle of cash Dominic had stuffed in my pack and stared at it for a long moment before peeling out a single twenty. I promised myself it was a loan, that I wasn’t going to use a dollar more. I’d pay it back after my first paycheck, and find a way to give the money back to him somehow.

This was an emergency, and borrowing felt better than taking.

I bought a bus ticket and made my way across the city, trying to steady my nerves. But somewhere in the haze of fatigue and anxiety, I missed my stop.

In a panic, I hopped off too far down the line, thinking I was close enough to walk the rest of the way. When I checked the time, I knew I was going to be late, but I still had to try. I jogged the rest of the way to the restaurant, pushing my body far past its limits.

As expected, I didn’t make it on time.

It was five forty-five by the time I finally made it through the front doors and found the owner of the restaurant. He looked appalled by the state of me; with my clothes dripping wet, pantingfrom the exertion it took to get here, and late despite my promise to be there on time.

The owner just shook his head at me. They had more applicants than expected, and he had already hired the two people he needed.

I was devastated, but I didn’t let it show. I thanked him, and walked out without another word.

Drenched in rain, sweat and misery, I made it halfway back across the city on foot before the exhaustion hit me like a freight train. The feeling was worsened by the chill in the air, penetrating my clothing without mercy.

I collapsed onto a bench in a small, quiet park and told myself I’d rest for an hour. Just enough to recharge a little before making the rest of the walk back to the shelter.

When I finally woke up, the sky was pitch black. I wouldn’t have stirred at all if not for the all too familiar cramps of hunger.

I pull my last protein bar from my pack—the one I was saving for emergencies—and choke it down bite by bite, not because I’m hungry, but because my body needs the calories.

I check the time on my phone, expecting it to be around eight.

It’s four minutes past ten, and curfew at the shelter is ten, no exceptions. The doors are locked, whether or not the beds are filled, for the safety of the women and children.

Feeling utterly defeated, I squeeze my eyes shut tight and tilt my head back towards the night sky. The rain isn’t as heavy now, but it’s still falling, leaving icy droplets across my face.

When the tears finally come, they blend with the rainwater, and I let myself feel the devastation of this miserable fucking day.