Page 29 of The Duke’s Spinster Bride (A Duke’s Game #2)
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“P lease Andrea, come for a walk in the garden with us. It is a really lovely day.” Charlotte’s voice was full of worry, as she placed a hand on Andrea’s back.
Andrea sighed and looked up from her pillow. Her eyes were red and puffy, her chest ached. Every movement felt like it was torture.
She blinked in the dazzling sunlight and swallowed. It had been two days since her fight with Frederick. Two days since she had returned to her London home and cried herself to sleep. She had not remembered the house feeling so empty before.
As she had walked the halls, her steps had echoed painfully around her, driving home just how alone she was. Finally, she could stand it no longer and she had left, deciding to visit Charlotte in the country.
“Andrea?” Charlotte’s voice brought her gently back to the present.
This was a mistake. Frederick’s words hit her like a punch to the stomach, forcing all air from her lungs.
I will not think of that.
She swallowed and sat up a little straighter, looking at Charlotte. “You go without me, I would just ruin the day.”
“Andrea, you have scarcely left the room since you arrived. I still have no idea what happened between you and the Duke.” Charlotte shook her head. “All I know is that you are lying in one of my guest rooms with a broken heart.”
“I do not want to speak about it.”
“And I will not force you to, but please, come walk with me in the gardens. The fresh air will do you good.” Charlotte gave her hand a squeeze. “Besides, the maids wish to clean your room and they will not feel comfortable if you are still in bed.”
“Fine.” Andrea threw her hands up in exasperation, pulling on a dress with Charlotte’s help. “But I warn you, I am not going to be good company.”
“That is fine, I am not expecting good company. Simply your presence.” Charlotte looped an arm through hers and dragged her out of the room, down the stairs and into the gardens of the castle.
She blinked in the dazzling sunlight, the warmth of the sun on her skin seemed a cruel joke when compared with the blackness that surged within her.
How can the world keep turning? She ran a hand across her chest, trying to alleviate some of the pain she felt. You have always had one foot out the door.
The Duke’s words echoed around her, mingling with the birdsong in the garden. Andrea could see the pain in his eyes, the anger when she had said she did not want to be a mother.
He will not want you, not once he knows the truth. What man would? Her father’s cold sneer appeared before her eyes and she shook herself, trying to force the apparition away.
She caught sight of Charlotte watching her. Her friend’s mouth was curved downwards, her brow furrowed with worry. Andrea tried to think of something reassuring to say, but the words stuck in her throat.
“I know that it is painful, and I am not suggesting you need to tell me what happened between you and the Duke, just know that… Well, I am here, and I am ready to listen when you are ready to talk.”
“Thank you.” Andrea squeezed Charlotte’s hand.
A lump formed in her throat and she stared intently at one of the nearby magnolia trees. She could feel Charlotte watching her, but knew she would not push her to say more.
Footsteps behind them caught Andrea’s attention and she turned to find the nanny hurrying towards them, Baby Benedict clutched in her arms. Her chest twisted at the sight of her godson.
This will be good practice. She froze in place as she remembered Frederick’s words. The way he had laughed and teased her. Her heart ached. How did it go so wrong?
Benedict let out a burble as he spotted his mother, and Charlotte hefted him into her arms, making little cooing noises at him as she rubbed her face against his head. “Hello, little one, have you woken from your nap?”
Andrea watched as Benedict blinked happily at his mother. The nanny curtseyed and departed. Andrea swallowed around the lump in her throat, and took a step towards her godson without thinking.
“Charlotte! There you are!” Dominic appeared, looking harried. “There is a courier at the door and I cannot for the life of me work out what he is saying. I am fairly certain he is speaking French or something like that, though I have no idea why or what he is doing.”
Charlotte sighed and looked at her husband, and Andrea saw the look of warmth that passed between them. Jealousy stirred within her, but it could not quite break through the numbness that surrounded her body.
“I suppose I had better help you with this.” Charlotte turned to Andrea, and made to hand her Benedict. “Would you hold him a moment while we sort this out?”
“Me?”
Charlotte nodded. “Yes. It will be too distracting to have Benedict in my arms while I try to understand whatever it is this man is saying.”
“But surely Dominic could-” Andrea began but trailed off when she looked down at the baby in Charlotte’s arms.
Benedict smiled up at her. Andrea found herself sighing and holding her hands to take the small bundle. Charlotte guided him into her arms, gently adjusting things so that Andrea could more easily support his head.
She swallowed as she looked down at Benedict. “What if he cries?”
“Then jiggle him about. Or swing gently from side to side. I doubt this will take too long.” Charlotte gave her an encouraging smile before she left, following Dominic back towards the castle.
Andrea peered down at her godson. She half expected him to start to cry immediately, but to her surprise he simply continued to smile up at her, chirping and burbling.
“Hello,” Andrea murmured, smiling back at him.
He blinked up at her and she laughed softly. He started to wriggle and she adjusted him, thinking back to all the times she had seen Charlotte do the same.
As she did, she breathed in, and every part of her relaxed. He smelled like a fresh summer’s day. Is this what people mean when they say they love the smell of a baby’s head?
She held a finger towards him. He grabbed it, chubby fingers clasping around it as he burbled with delight. “You are surprisingly strong for such a little thing.”
She glanced upwards to see if there was any sign of Charlotte, and then turned back to Benedict. “I can see why your mother loves you so much. You are rather sweet. I feel like I have not been a terribly good godmother, but… But I… I mean to change that.”
Her voice broke around the lump in her throat, and she felt tears prick at the corner of her eyes. Hastily, she rolled her shoulder to wipe them away, not wanting to drip on her godson.
His face crumpled and he let out a whimper. “Shhh… Shhh… Little one, it will be okay. You are safe.”
Benedict whimpered again and Andrea started to swing him slowly from side to side, jostling him up and down slightly as she did. A memory of coming down to breakfast to find Frederick singing himself a silly little song about toast and jam floated to the forefront of her mind.
“Toast and jam. Toast and jam.” Andrea sung. “I love my toast and jam.”
To her amazement, Benedict stopped sniffling. He looked up at her with big eyes. “Jam and toast. Toast and jam. Everything is better with toast and jam.”
Benedict’s face split into a smile as Andrea continued to sing. She beamed back at him. A fierce ache spread across her chest, and for a moment, she thought it would break her in two. She swallowed, and focused on the baby in her arms.
I did it. He grinned at her, motioning with his little hands towards her. She let him hold her finger again, fresh tears filling her eyes.
“You must think I am totally mad. Standing here, singing at you.” She laughed weakly, trying to wipe the tears from her eyes again, and he smiled back at her. “I think I have ruined everything, little godson.”
Tears formed in her eyes, but she kept smiling. She did not want to upset Benedict again. She swallowed, trying to rid herself of the lump forming in her throat.
“Andrea? Andrea?” Charlotte’s voice broke through her as she took the baby from Andrea’s arms. “What is wrong?”
“My father was right.” Hot tears streaked down her cheeks as she slumped onto a nearby bench.
Charlotte sat beside her, Benedict in her arms, her brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“He told me I would never be happy, that I was cursed. He said I would never be a wife, much less a mother and I… I thought I did not want children.” Her throat tightened and she let out a gasp.
The memory of Frederick’s anger seared itself into her mind, leaving her shaking as she murmured, “I thought there was something wrong with me.”
“Because you did not want children?” Charlotte frowned.
“Yes. No. That is a part of it. I thought I did not want them because I would be no good at being a mother.”
“And why on Earth would you think that? You are one of the most caring and kind people I know, why do you think I would name you godmother to Benedict?” Charlotte shook her head in disbelief.
“But I have no idea what to do with children. Everyone else seems to just…” Andrea made a vague gesture with her hand and to her surprise Charlotte laughed.
“Oh, my darling Andrea, for someone so clever, you really can be a fool sometimes. A loveable fool, but a fool nonetheless.” Charlotte looked from Benedict to Andrea. “No one simply understands how to do this. Goodness, you should have seen me the first time I tried to change Benedict’s nappy! I spend my life worrying that I will drop him or break him. That is all part of being a parent.”
“But you seem so at ease when you are with him.” Andrea chewed on the inside of her cheek. “You seem utterly unbothered by everything.”
“That is kind, but you did not see me in the first few days after he was born. I was… Well, let us just say I was not fit to be seen by polite company.” Charlotte reached out and gave Andrea’s hand a little squeeze. “It is perfectly natural to feel a little bit lost. Every parent does.”
“But I killed my mother.” Andrea blurted, the truth bursting from her before she could stop it.
“You killed your mother?” Charlotte stiffened, eyes wide with confusion.
“She died giving birth to me. If it had not been for me, she might have lived.” Andrea turned away, unwilling to see the disgust in her friend’s eyes.
“Andrea,” Charlotte paused for a few seconds and then said, “that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. It is not your fault your mother died.”
“It is. There is something wrong with me Charlotte.” She clenched her hand into a ball in her lap. Defective.
“There is nothing wrong with you. And anyone who made you think there was, is a vile, awful person and quite frankly is not worth your time. Is that why you and the Duke fought? Did he tell you there was something wrong with you?” Charlotte stood, her eyes dark with anger. “Because if he did, I will make him regret it.”
“He did not.” Andrea pulled her back down, careful not to disrupt Benedict too much. “It was my fault that we fought. He made a joke about children and I… I panicked. I told him I did not want children but… But I do.”
I was just afraid. She swallowed and shook her head. Charlotte squeezed her shoulder. “Then why not tell him that?”
“He said us being together was a mistake.” Andrea shook. “He was so angry, so hurt. I… We…. I do not think there is any going back for us.”
“You never know. I thought that about Dominic and me, but I was wrong.” Charlotte nodded at Benedict meaningfully.
“We are not you and Dominic.” Andrea could not keep the sadness from her voice. “Perhaps if I had not let my father get so into my head…”
“Honestly, after hearing about the way he treated you, it seems a pity the man is not really dying.” Charlotte reddened slightly at her words. “I know I should not say such things but if I ever see that man again, I will slap him so hard he will wish his mother never laid eyes on his father.”
Andrea let out a laugh. “I would not waste your breath. I do not intend on ever allowing him near me again.”
“Good.” Charlotte nodded with satisfaction, putting an arm around Andrea and pulling her close. “No matter what happens with you and the Duke, you will always be family to me.”
“Thank you.” Andrea leaned against her, inhaling the comforting smell of her godson. The ache in her chest deepened, an image of a baby with dark blue eyes threatened to burst into her mind.
That future is gone.
She closed her eyes, trying not to feel like her last chance at happiness had vanished. After all, she had never planned on having a husband. Surely in time, the pain would fade.
Won’t it?