Page 19 of The Duke’s Spinster Bride (A Duke’s Game #2)

Chapter Nineteen

A ndrea still held his face in her hands, the tears in his eyes shattering her heart into pieces. Her voice broke as a lump formed in her throat, but she did not care. How can he think he is to blame? I am the one who acted like a prize idiot.

Andrea shook her head, her eyes finding his dark blue ones. There was a far away look in them, their complex shades going sad and distant. She could smell his amber cologne mingling with the iron tang of blood and mud.

He is hurt because of me. And yet instead of being angry, he blames himself. His hand was still resting on her leg, and the warmth of it spread through her. When has anyone touched me with such care and tenderness?

Her eyes were fierce as she leaned towards him. “None of this was your fault. I was the one who tore off, simply because I thought you were trying to control me. If I had taken a moment to think, to perhaps ask… Well… This is not your fault. And I will not have you take this upon yourself.”

His eyes widened and he opened his mouth to protest, but she continued speaking before he could say another word. “If I had known about your mother, I… It does not matter. I understand now why you were so upset at the thought of me making that journey.”

She let out a shaky breath and let her eyes drop from his face. Moving backwards, she pulled his arm towards her and applied salve to the gash in Frederick’s skin. He did not let out a hiss, though Andrea knew from experience the sensation was a painful one.

“I do not want anything to happen to you.” Frederick muttered, his voice small.

She glanced up in time to see him bite his bottom lip and then shake his head. “When I saw you fall from the carriage, I feared the worst.”

Andrea could hear his cry in her head. His voice strangled with what at the time, she had thought was rage, but now realised was fear. She put a hand to her chest, her heart pounding as though desperate to be released. I did that to him.

“But I am safe. Well, my ankle is a little sore, but that is hardly the worst thing in the world.” She squeezed his shoulder gently. “I cannot imagine how hard it would have been to find your mother like that. Especially when you were so young.”

What would it be like to discover your own mother’s dead body? In her mind, she pictured a young Frederick, eyes bright with hope and excitement, standing in shallow water, staring at the dead body of his mother.

Is it worse to know your mother and lose her? Or to have her die before you ever get the chance? Her chest tightened and she let out a shaky breath.

“I miss her still. Is that not strange? After all these years, I still feel her absence.” Frederick shook his head and pulled his knees to his chest. “Some days, I can scarcely remember what she looked like, others, I can picture her as easily as my own hand. It is… It is the smell of her that stays with me. She always smelled like honey and lilacs.”

“She sounds like a wonderful woman.” Andrea swallowed, and felt tears prick her eyes.

Hastily, she turned away from Frederick, not wanting him to notice. This is about him, not me. She felt him shift beside her, and a moment later, his fingers caught her chin, pulling her towards him.

“I did not mean to upset you. I am okay, really. It was a long time ago.” He smiled at her, but she could see the pain beneath it.

“You have not upset me. And you do not have to lie to me and tell me you are all right when obviously it still hurts you.” Andrea grit her teeth, trying to keep the tears from falling. “I am glad you told me. You should not have to keep such things to yourself. And now… Well, I can keep it in mind when I plan to venture out from the estate.”

“But you are crying.” He canted his head towards her, brow furrowed.

“I am just being silly. Your mother was important to you, and it is clear how much you cared for her, how much you miss her. And when you talked about not remembering her and then the way she smelled. I… It does not matter.” Andrea wiped her face with one of the cloths. I am jealous, jealous that he got to know his mother. There is something horribly wrong with me.

She felt Frederick shift beside her, sensing him taking care not to jostle her ankle. The shame in her chest spread over her. Here was her husband, showing her nothing but kindness, opening up to her about his pain—pain that she had put him through again. And all she could do was be jealous.

You are defective. Her father’s words echoed in her mind.

I do not deserve Frederick. Her heart sank at the realisation.

“Please, tell me what has upset you.” His voice was soft, as though talking to a horse that he feared might startle and flee at any moment. “Perhaps I can help.”

“I fear if I tell you, you will think very little of me.” Andrea choked, the words falling from her mouth before she could stop them.

“I doubt that.” His voice was soft. “After all, you have just seen me fall to pieces over something that happened well over a decade ago. And I hope… I hope you do not think less of me.”

She shook her head. “How could I think less of you? When all you have done is show me how deeply you care for the people you-”

She cut herself off with a shaky breath. “I… I never knew my mother. I do not even think she held me in her arms. She died bringing me into this world.”

“And you think I would think less of you because of this?” Andrea could hear the confusion in Frederick’s voice.

“I…” For a moment she hesitated. If she told him the truth, there would be no future between them. There would be no chance at a real marriage.

This will set him free. She looked at him, shame forming a roiling mess in her body. “I was jealous. Jealous that you have memories of your mother, even though they cause you pain. Jealous that you got time with someone who you loved so dearly and who loved you, while I… ”

His eyes widened, but before she could turn away from him, he caught her face gently in his hands. Their foreheads were nearly touching.

“I would not think less of you for that.” His eyes bored into hers, intense pools of dark blue that seemed to drink in every part of her.

“I do not mean that I am jealous she died. Goodness only knows, I wish you had never had to know such pain. If it were within my power, I would change it so that your mother was still with us.” She shook, every muscle in her body full of an emotion she could not quite name.

“I know.” His breath tickled her skin. “And if I could, I would make it so that you could know your mother as I knew mine. Even if to lose them is painful.”

“What a pair we are.” Andrea leant her forehead against his, a dry chuckle escaping her.

“Indeed.” He agreed.

Her eyes met his once more. They were so close, she could practically count his eyelashes. They were long and curled, only adding to his beauty. She was acutely aware of the feel of his hand on her leg.

Her lips parted.

“The physician, your Graces.” Mr. Jenkins voice cut through the tension between them like a knife.

Andrea’s cheeks flushed deep scarlet as they sprang apart. She wiped her eyes, noting as Frederick did the same. He had stood, turning his back to her for a moment as he gestured to the door.

“Send him in.” Frederick’s voice was hoarse.

The physician bustled in, immediately going to Andrea’s side. She was barely aware of the words he said to her, only just about remembering to answer his questions.

Whenever the physician asked if he could touch some part of her, it brought to mind the feel of Frederick’s strong but gentle touch against her skin. Her cheeks burned and she could not quite bring herself to look at Frederick while the physician examined her.

“You will have to rest that ankle, Your Grace. It is not broken, thankfully. I suggest you stay off your feet for the next few days.” The physician snapped his bag shut. “Some nettle tea will also help with the swelling.”

“Thank you.” Andrea mumbled. Stay off my feet? But there is so much work to do.

“We are meant to journey to London on Friday, will her Grace be well enough to travel?” Frederick’s words jerked Andrea unpleasantly back to reality.

She tried to catch his eye, but he was no longer looking at her, instead his focus was completely on the physician. There was a tension in his body, his eyes wide as he waited for the physician’s reply. He is worried we will not be able to travel.

An ache spread through her chest. London. That was where they had planned to start their separate lives. Whatever she had thought was happening, whatever hope she had harboured were crushed beneath his words.

Clearly, he wishes to stick to our original agreement. That was what he wanted, and she owed it to him to give him that. It was the least she could do.

* * *

“Are you really going to do this?” Cecily asked, her eyes searching Andrea’s face.

They were walking in the garden of Cecily’s father’s London estate. Andrea and Frederick had arrived the day before, writing out the words for their agreement. Each draft had broken Andrea’s heart a little more, and the closer they had gotten to the city, the more it had felt like someone was pressing a great weight upon her body.

Andrea had decided to visit Cecily to try and get her thoughts together. Or at least, that was what she had told herself. In truth, she had struggled being so close to Frederick, knowing that they would soon be parted.

It is what I wanted. It is what he deserves. She met Cecily’s gaze and took a steadying breath. “Yes. I just… I am only here to make sure the wording of the agreement is right. I do not… I do not want anyone to think he has mistreated me or that he is the one at fault for this.”

“But why do it at all?” Cecily bit her lip, shaking her head as she folded her arms across her chest.

“Because it is what we agreed.” Andrea looked at the paper in her hands, reading the words she was supposed to say to him. “This agreement will pave the way for us to live in separate houses.”

Cecily frowned at her. “And is it still what you want?”

“It is what he wants.” Andrea gestured around them, her voice cracking with emotion as she remembered how Frederick had determined Frederick had been to get her to London. He does not want me. She bit her lip. Defective. “It was practically the first thing he asked the physician when we were told I would need to rest. He wanted to know if I would be able to travel to London.”

Cecily tapped her foot on the ground, her lips pursed. “Perhaps he only wanted to know if it was safe for you? Have you tried to talk to him about it?”

Andrea shook her head, her chest squeezing at the thought. I am not sure I could bear to hear him tell me he did not want me. “Why bother asking if he did not still intend on going through with the plan? If he had changed his mind… If he had changed his mind, he would have told me.”

“Perhaps he is only going along with this because he thinks it is what you want.” Cecily’s eyes gleamed with hope but Andrea could not let it be.

She moved away from her friend, wrapping her arms around herself. “Maybe. But I doubt it. Besides, this will be the best for him.”

“Why?” Cecily’s brow furrowed, her lips forming a thin line.

Because I do not deserve him. Andrea bit back the words. “He never wanted to be married. This way, he can go back to his life and live it as he wishes.”

“But-” Cecily began but Andrea silenced her with a hand. “- there is no but, Cecily. This is the plan, it has always been the plan.”

She waved the letter in front of her friend. “I just need you to help me make this fight convincing. You know I am no good at understanding social situations and I… I do not want to say something that might hurt him or…”

She trailed off as the lump in her throat made it impossible to speak.

Cecily gripped her hand. “Andrea, please, listen to yourself. You sound utterly miserable and whenever you talk about this ‘plan’ your voice breaks. All you can think about is not hurting him – I do not think I have ever seen you like this before. Clearly you care for him.”

“I do. That is why it must be this way. I have to set him free, Cecily.” Andrea shook her head. “This is the only way. I cannot go back on my word. It would not be fair to him, to force him to go along with my desires.”

“And are you so sure that is what you would be doing? Perhaps if you simply talked to him, he would be open to a real marriage as well.” Cecily insisted.

For a moment, Andrea let herself consider the possibility. There had been so many moments between them, such tenderness in the way he was with her. But would he want everything a real marriage entails?

She shook her head. “It would not work. Not in the long run. I want a real marriage but… But I… I am not sure we would want the same things. And I am not convinced he even wants one anyway.”

“And you are too scared to ask.” Cecily muttered darkly.

“Of course I am scared!” Andrea snapped. “I have spent my entire life on the outskirts of the ton. It is only through good fortune and luck that I have found myself friends like you and Charlotte. Some of us were not made for love, Cecily, and I… I accepted that a long time ago.”

Andrea sighed and looked at Cecily, guilt washing over her. “I am sorry. I should not have snapped, it… It was not fair. It is just… As much as I might wish for a real marriage, I simply cannot. Frederick is so caring and puts everyone else ahead of himself. It is time someone else did that for him.”

Andrea drew in a shaky breath, clenching a fist to her chest. “If I told him I wanted a real marriage, there is every chance he would agree just to make me happy. I cannot take that risk. It is not – it would not be fair to him.”

Cecily bit her lip, opening her mouth and closing it several times before eventually saying, “so you will be the one to sacrifice your happiness for his?”

She nodded. “If that is what it takes.”

“I still think this is a mistake, but I know you well enough to know when your mind is made up.” Cecily threw her hands into the air and let out a disgruntled sigh.

“It is.” Andrea swallowed. “Now help me make sure this speech is not too unkind.”

“Well I would start by taking out this part about him being a vapid fool.” Cecily crossed out a line from the text. “And perhaps this one as well.”

Over the next few hours, Cecily and Andrea worked on the speech. With each passing moment, she felt more and more like she was walking to the gallows. By the time they were done, it was time to get ready for the ball.

And then this will all be over.