Page 28

Chapter 28

Constantine

Power over me, all right. In hindsight, it wasn’t the most logical and rational decision to be in a bedroom with the literal woman of my dreams.

“You have no intention of getting into this bed with me, do you?” she mused, her accent even deeper now than it had been in my office.

“Absolutely none,” I confirmed. “Holding your hand is the best I can do with you in this state.”

She made a little harumph noise, her lips rolling with it.

My dick twitched, and she keyed in on the movement in my jeans.

“Well then, can I at least ask you something?”

“Another handshake deal?” I smirked, gently tugging her hand. “What shall we agree upon now?”

She finally averted her eyes from my crotch so I could breathe again. “How about our son taking your last name?”

And like that, the breath from my lungs was gone again.

“Carmichael was never meant to be Colin’s last name.”

She waited for me to respond while I waited for my heart to be revived.

“I know he’ll want to be a Costa. I want him to be a Costa.”

I tightened my grip on her hand, staring at her unblinking as emotion packed a heavy punch. My heart didn’t start up, but my legs did give out. I dropped to one knee, then the other, my elbows landing on the bed.

She leaned forward and palmed my cheek, a soft caress of her skin over my stubbled jawline. “This isn’t the bourbon,” she whispered. “Well, I suppose it is lulling the truth from my lips more easily. But it doesn’t change the fact that it’s the truth.”

At her continued touch and my continued silence, her eyes on me felt like a touch of light sparking up amid darkness.

“Stages of grief,” she murmured, reminding me I was cycling between them.

“What about the stages of shock? Is that a thing?” My voice was as raw and stripped down as I felt.

“I think so.” She scooted closer, drawing her hand up and into my hair, massaging my scalp, making me a little lightheaded. “So?”

I wanted to tell her I wanted more than Colin to have my last name. I wanted her to have it, too. But I kept that to myself, not yet ready to admit that to her.

“I’d like that.” I worked the knot of emotion down the back of my throat. “Any other deals or questions you have for me while we wait for dinner?” I forced a smile, working to push away the emotions while not pushing her away. I was a man of my word, after all.

“I have another one, but it’s also outside basic territory.”

“I think it’s safe to say we’re already far from basics. You can ask me whatever you want, as long as it’s not to get in that bed with you, and I’ll answer.”

“Okay.” She continued to run her short nails at the side of my head. “This room reminds me of Aruba. Why?”

My gaze shot to the scars on my arm. “Anything but getting in that bed with you or talking about the bed.” Before I could say more, my phone beeped from a notification. “That’s the food. We should eat.” Seeing her downturned mouth and knowing I’d made it that way sent me to my feet. “I will tell you, I promise. It’s just not whatever you’re thinking.”

She gave a slight nod. “Oh.”

Shit. “It is what you think, but not for . . .” I was fucking this up. “This bed, this room, is because of you, yes. But there’s a story behind it.” I’d do anything to protect her from her own negative thoughts, even if it meant living through the pain of mine.

“I don’t understand.” She chewed on her lip.

“You will. Soon. You will.” I tossed my thumb over my shoulder. “The food.”

“Right. The food.” She faked a smile. I could already tell the difference between her real ones and her manufactured ones, and it hurt that she’d felt the need to produce one on my behalf. “I don’t want Colin to see me like this. I’m acting okay now, but the second I try to walk, we’re going to have problems.”

Got it. “I’ll bring your food here. We’ll eat together. I’m sure he’ll be fine with eating in his room.” I wasn’t sure I could get through a family dinner anyway.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“Of course. Anything for you.”

I took off after that as the swell of emotions crested inside me and quickly grabbed the food from the lobby.

Back in the kitchen, I dished it out, giving Colin more since he was a growing boy, then went upstairs with his meal. I hadn’t faced him since learning he’d been at Rebecca’s wake, and my heart raced at the mere thought of confronting him.

I paused outside his door, but from the sounds of it, he was on the phone.

“Having him here is all I ever wanted.” Those words nailed me to the floor and kept me from knocking.

So much for sticking to the plan and not telling Lennon who I am.

“I feel like I’m going to wake up, and it’s not real. That he’s not really here.”

My fingers curled into my palm at my side, and I stepped closer instead of offering him the privacy he deserved, hanging on to every word I knew he’d never say to my face.

“Mom likes to pretend she never wound up married after I was born because of me and nursing school and all that BS, but nah, it was her pushing all the guys away. It was because no one could live up to my father in her eyes. And after meeting him, I get that.”

I brought my fist to my chest where the agonizing pain pushed up into my throat, and my vision became blurry.

“But just because we want him in our life, doesn’t mean he’ll want us. It’s not like we’ll magically become one happy family, right?” He was quiet for a minute before continuing. “I have a dad. A total badass hero for a dad. And he has a criminal for a son.”

I blinked twice, and something wet slid down my face.

“I’m such a screwup, though. Why would he want me? And then what if he leaves, and it’s my fault, and I ruin Mom’s chance at happiness, too? She won’t survive that twice.”

His words sent me to my knees.

I set down his plate, hanging my head, and lost it. I fucking lost it.

I cried.

And prayed.

Begged God not to let me screw up.

To have mercy on me. To forgive me. To save me.