Page 18

Chapter 18

Constantine

I’d been worried she’d run and take our son after learning I’d committed murder—well, murders —yet there I was, the one retreating.

I shut myself inside my bedroom, grabbed my phone, and then went into the bathroom for another layer of protection from the woman confusing the hell out of me. I’d never felt this way before or been vulnerable, as she’d correctly called it . What was she doing to me?

Curling my hand around my phone, I set my back to the wall by the shower and slid to the floor, mentally preparing to call Hudson.

Unhinged opening lines rolled around in my head. From a, Hey, it’s me, I’m worried Juliette will break my heart, and I never really recovered from the first time she didn’t call. To a, I told her I killed people but didn’t work up the nerve to tell her just how many lives I’ve actually taken and why.

I held up my phone, preparing myself for option three, none of the above, when Izzy called instead.

After our conversation in the office earlier, maybe it was her I needed to talk to anyway. It wasn’t like she wouldn’t relay our conversation to her husband after we spoke.

I finally answered, settling on a basic, “Hi,” to start out with.

“I had a feeling you’d be awake, so I gave it a shot. How are you?”

I kicked the truth to the side for now and lied. “Fine.”

“Ouch. That bad, huh?”

“That bad,” I snarled. “No, that confusing .” An important distinction.

I thought back to my conversation with Juliette and how she’d misinterpreted so many things I’d said. I wasn’t used to sharing my thoughts and feelings with anyone, so why was I shocked she couldn’t also read my mind?

To know when I’d said she was dangerous, I meant to my heart.

And when I told her she had power over me, I’d been referring to how I’d do anything for her, no questions asked.

Then there were my misunderstood words I’d tossed out at the end of our conversation about not wanting to disappoint Colin. She’d turned and run opposite from my intention, diving headfirst into a discussion about obligation.

“You ready for me now?” Izzy asked, drawing me back to the present.

“What?”

“You were stewing and angry. I could feel the heat from your overthinking roll in waves through the phone.”

“Damn you,” I teased, fighting a grin.

“Got you smiling, at least, didn’t I?”

I rolled my eyes, not that she could see me. “Just give me an update. Distract me, please. Anything from the NYPD or FBI about what went down at the rave?”

“No, you know the Sicilians, they’d burn or bury any bodies you may have dropped instead of calling the police to report a crime.”

Right. I wasn’t thinking straight to waste my breath on that question.

“I did go ahead and run both Jamie’s and Lennon’s faces through our software in hopes of getting a hit on their full names and current addresses.”

“Let me guess, nothing?”

“Nothing in any government database Stateside, but I did get a hit for Lennon. Flagged her on security footage at a hotel in Brooklyn. When I did a deep dive into their CCTV footage, I caught a profile view of Jamie and Daniel along with her.”

“Did you hack the hotel records to see what room they’re staying in? I assume Jamie didn’t pay for it?”

“I did, and you’re right. The suite’s checked out to Dylan Kelly. Irish American. Has been in New York for a decade. Single. Fifty-two. Independently wealthy. No priors. Not even a parking ticket.”

“I assume you checked my bodycam footage and Daniel’s before it was shut off to see if Dylan was at the rave?”

“I did, and he wasn’t there. Not even sure if Dylan’s at the hotel with them now, or he just footed the bill.” She added, “And unfortunately, aside from proving Dylan wasn’t at the rave, nothing else of use from the bodycams. Well, except to witness your badassery firsthand.”

Yeah, don’t remind me of that. “Any chance Dylan’s the boss and is in charge of the operation?”

“I’m going to keep digging into everyone before I give you my opinion.”

“I no longer think we’re dealing with a low-level gang selling drugs to rich kids on street corners and at raves. Especially considering the Irish had enough pull to throw together a meeting with the Sicilians.” And my son was hanging out with these people. Fucking great.

“I assume Colin hasn’t told you anything about Jamie or Daniel, or his connection to them aside from dating Jamie’s sister, or you’d have led with that.”

“No, we haven’t had a chance to talk alone, and I don’t think he wants to get into that in front of his mom. She’s stressed out enough.” Especially after what I already told her. “I did mirror his phone while we were outside the hospital.”

“Constantine.” After her dramatic use of my name, a harsh breath crossed the line.

“What?”

“That’s a bit overkill to clone his phone.”

“I have to know what he’s been up to. Keep tabs on his conversations in case he’s keeping shit from me.” What was wrong with that? I honestly didn’t see a problem.

“If he finds out what you did, you’ll lose his trust before you even have it.” Another sigh floated through the phone before she tacked on with her usual flair, “Hold off on Sherlock Holmesing through his phone for now, and let me handle things.”

I kept quiet. While I couldn’t listen to Juliette’s request not to pay a visit to that asshole lawyer, because the prick had it coming, I supposed I’d consider Izzy’s demand. “Fine, fine,” I relented. “No spying for now.”

“Good. And are Juliette and Colin settled in at your place?”

“Yeah.”

“Is it him confusing you, or her?”

“Her.” I tsked . “But Colin did figure out I’m his dad before we could tell him.”

“Oh, wow, um. I guess it’s not a total surprise he put two and two together. You did go John Wick in front of him.”

Why’d that make me smile? “You heard him say that?”

“Over Hudson’s comm, yeah.”

“The kid really is like me. He’s trying to act tough and put on a brave face when in reality, he’s probably dying on the inside.”

“Oh my God,” she remarked in an exasperated tone.

I rewound my words, unsure why she had that reaction . Oh. I ran my fingers through my hair, gripping the ends, working hard to keep it together as the weight of the morning caught up with me.

Since the cat was out of the bag anyway, I went ahead and unloaded on Izzy, sharing more of what went down with Colin. Everything from the Ziploc bag to him calling her a chick.

“Well, I’m speechless.”

“For you, that’s saying a lot. You never shut up.”

“I’m eye-rolling you so hard,” she teased.

“I know.” At least I was smiling and not quite as moody after dumping all that on her.

She switched back to serious, saying, “I think his reaction is perfectly normal. He’s probably going to bounce back and forth between extreme emotions as this settles in for him.”

Yeah, I could relate to that.

“Happy one minute, hiding his tears like you do the next.”

“I don’t hide them because I don’t cry.”

“Sure, sure.” She gave me a five-second break before turning the conversation in the direction I was trying to avoid. “Talk to me about Juliette. What’s going on with you two?”

“She’s driving me crazy.” In ways I didn’t care to share with my little sister. Having to hide an erection while in the kitchen despite the hell we’d gone through this morning was proof I was off my fucking rocker.

“Has a woman ever driven you nuts?”

“Besides you?”

“I don’t count.”

I sat taller, my bent knee going straight. “Just one, when she didn’t call me after I left her my number seventeen years ago.”

“Oh.” She paused. “Ohhhhh.”

Yeah, tell me about it.

“Well, um, how’s she making you crazy?”

By simply existing and not being mine. I kept that thought under lock and fucking key. “She dared to suggest I might feel obligated to be with her because we share a son.”

“Well, duh.”

“I beg your finest pardon.”

“Come on, you know it’s true. Don’t lie to me, yourself, or to her.”

I had to stand for this. “What are you saying?”

“You’re the most self-sacrificing person in the world. Of course you’d consider taking care of both her and Colin. Step in as a father and a husband. You’d see it as the right thing to do. I’m a little surprised a stranger could get a read on you that well, but I don’t disagree with her for thinking that.” Before I could denounce that insanity, she said, “Not that I believe you should do that. That’d be a disservice to you both to marry for the sake of an obligation.”

I was going to eviscerate that word from the dictionary. I didn’t care the cost. I’d make it happen.

“You need to separate your honor from your heart, so you know which one is leading you.”

I didn’t need to separate shit, because I knew damn well what I was feeling. I went to the vanity and took a moment to splash some water on my face.

I turned off the faucet. “I wouldn’t marry her out of obligation, not even to make our son happy. And even if I was crazy enough to suggest such a thing, why would she want to be with me?” Before I allowed her to respond to what I’d meant as a rhetorical question, I unintentionally tossed out one of my fears, “She’s going to push me away.”

“Because she’s scared of getting hurt. Sounds like you both have that problem in common.”

I took her off speakerphone and went into my bedroom.

“Important side note: two people who don’t have genuine feelings for each other wouldn’t be so worried about getting hurt.”

I dropped onto the bed, resting my elbows on my thighs. I couldn’t believe I was opening up like this again and coming to my sister for advice. This had always been a no-fly zone for me in the past. I didn’t even talk like this with Hudson.

“You didn’t spend a lot of time with each other back then, but it’s obviously clear you two left a lasting impression on one another.”

She had no idea how much this woman had impacted me. “Let’s just go back to talking about this new case.” A case now involving my son.

“You sure?”

“Yes,” I groaned in frustration.

“Well, there’s nothing else to discuss for now. We’ve got eyes on their hotel door. The second they leave, or if anyone new shows up, I’ll call you. I mean, unless you want to go question them today?”

“No, not yet. I need to know what we’re dealing with and how much of a problem they might be first.”

“Then, in that case, maybe sleep for real this time.”

“I’ll try.” I shifted onto the bed to lie down, fatigue finally catching up with me.

“Before you go, any idea when you plan on telling Mom and Dad about Colin? Alessandro and Enzo?”

I held the phone to my ear while resting my head on the pillow, shutting my eyes.

I was close to my brothers, always had been. But, selfishly, thinking about Enzo with his newborn twins and Alessandro with a baby on the way made me jealous. Jealous I missed out on my son’s birth and his entire life. I wasn’t sure if I could talk to them without feeling like a shitty human for harboring so much envy.

“I don’t know. When Colin is ready to meet them, I guess. I don’t want to keep this from them for long.”

“Thank God.” She sighed. “You know my lips are sealed, but I’m not exactly Fort Knox over here regarding secrets.”

“Yeah, don’t I know it.”

“Okay, okay. Go to sleep. Or don’t sleep, what do I know? Maybe play a video game or something with him? He’s sixteen. He probably likes?—”

“ Call of Duty and Fortnite ,” I said at the memory. “And you think playing video games is really the right move?”

“Dad taught you to fight and shoot before I was even born. But I’d say video games are on the safer side, and more in line with this new generation.”

“He’s supposed to be in trouble for sneaking out and hanging out with gang members. Not sure I can reward that type of behavior.”

“You’re becoming such a dad, and I am so here for it.”

I let go of a deep, exhausted breath. “At least I can rule out Colin being on drugs last night. He has the same strange reaction to meds that Alessandro does. Juliette confirmed that, too.”

“A blessing there, I guess.”

Yeah. “All right. I’m gonna go. Talk soon.”

“Okay, I love you.”

I swallowed at her use of that word. “Izzy?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t even know him, but there’s this strange feeling in my chest when I think about him. That’s love, right?” I couldn’t believe I even had to ask her that, but I didn’t trust my judgment regarding that four-letter word, especially with how much pressure built in my chest every time I was around my son’s mother, too.

“Oh gosh.” Another sigh from her. “Yes, I think it is.”

“I don’t even know him. I know him even less than I know her.”

“Well, Enzo didn’t know his twins before the doctor placed them in his arms, and he loved them right away.”

I clenched down on my back teeth at the painful memory of not being by Juliette’s side to hold her hand while she delivered our son. “I missed his birth. I missed all of it. I missed seeing the woman that I, uh . . . seeing her pregnant.”

“Sorry doesn’t really feel appropriate enough to convey how much I am,” she said softly.

I didn’t deserve a sorry, not when this was all my fault. “I should’ve woken her up. Not written a note. I never should have walked out without manning up and telling her how I felt face to face.” That had weighed heavily on my mind more than once since I’d boarded the plane to leave Aruba. Now, learning Juliette had wanted me back then, and I had a son, had multiplied that guilt and self-loathing a million times over.

“Constantine.” I heard her love, and that apology again embedded in the way she stretched out my name.

But I didn’t deserve either, and I for damn sure didn’t deserve Juliette or Colin. But I wanted them both. I wanted them more than I could put into words, and it had nothing to do with obligation.

“I could’ve tracked her down. I wanted to find her.” I faced the demon of pride all over again. Such an ugly fucking monster.

“So why didn’t you?”

I sat back up, unraveling—another foreign-to-me feeling. “I was young and stupid; didn’t think I was good enough for her. I didn’t want to be rejected a second time. I couldn’t handle knowing her name, hearing her voice, or seeing her face again, only for her to not want me. I knew I’d never be able to get over her twice.” I couldn’t believe I told her that. What is happening to me? I dropped my face against my palm, my shoulders hunching forward. “And now that second time might come anyway.”

“All I know is you’ve opened up to me more today than you have in your whole life, and all I’ve ever wanted for you is to be happy. To have a family. Love. And it looks like love found you in the form of a sixteen-year-old teenager. As for Juliette . . . give yourself grace and time when it comes to her, too.”

I dropped my head back onto the pillow, eyes shooting to the ceiling. “Since when are you the wise one?”

“You never gave me a chance to be. You weren’t one to take advice, only to give it.”

Fair point.

“And now I’m going to ask you to do something. It won’t be easy, but I want you to try.”

I rested my free hand on my chest, my heartbeat still flying.

“I want you to do your best not to get hung up on the past. You can’t change it,” she began steadily, “but you can focus on the time you still have left with those right in front of you.”