Page 24 of The Alpha’s Rejected Arranged Mate (Bluebell Valley Wolves #3)

When Elin said it, it sounded so obvious. He was glad she was already holding him; otherwise, the shame that swept through him wouldn’t allow him to reach out to her.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed, his voice hitching. “I’m so sorry. I don’t want… I want…”

His words failed him. His wolf, hackle raised from his suggestion, growled loosely in his chest. He held Elin close, his heart beating rapidly. It had only been a moment’s slip when he became convinced that the baby was already possessed. But a moment was all it took.

“This is why,” he said bleakly.

“This is why what? That you can’t be a father?” Elin asked.

Finn nodded, not looking at her. “I don’t deserve it. If I can think about… doing that… then I don’t—”

“Stop. We aren’t going to go down that rabbit hole. There’s nothing on the other end worth examining. Not right now, at least.” Elin sighed as she stepped back from him. “This isn’t about deserve or want. It’s about what needs to happen and who you need to be. For the pack, for me, for our son.”

“I thought you were leaving me,” Finn said. He felt strangely vulnerable as he said it.

Elin bit her lip, uncertainty warring in her eyes. “Do you want me to?”

“No.” The word came simply and without hesitation. “The thing I fear most is that I’ll cause you pain. That I’ll say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. That I won’t be good enough for you.”

“You know what’s funny about that?” Fresh tears leaked from Elin’s eyes, but she still laughed softly. “That’s exactly what I’m afraid of, too.”

Finn manages a brief smile. “We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?”

“Two orphans lacking the guidance we needed to navigate our situations.” Elin shrugged. “Not much we can do about it except learn how to better ourselves now.”

“I’m sorry for what I said about the baby. Our baby.” It was the first time he’d let himself say it out loud. A warm rush of love swept through him as he put his hand back on Elin’s stomach. The baby wasn’t kicking anymore. “I want to be part of his life, Elin. I don’t know if I can be his father, but I want to help him and you.”

Elin nodded. “Once Dukiel is trapped, we’ll be able to figure out exactly what we all need.”

“I hate that I let Dukiel get to me like that.” Finn clenched his jaw. “If that was his plan. He must be hoping I’ll drive you away and cause you to run. Without the pack's protection, you’d be vulnerable and easier to catch.”

“It’s a good thing we’re stronger than he realizes. He won’t come between us, no matter what he tries.” Elin clutched his hands, giving him a small smile.

Finn couldn’t stop the swell of self-disgust that washed over him. “I’m doing a pretty good job of that on my own.”

“So this is what Mica meant.”

“What?” Finn’s eyebrows pulled together. What was Elin talking about?

She released his hands and balled up her fists on her hips. “What I’m talking about is that you’re wrong. You’re very, very wrong. And that sort of thinking is only going to end with you buried in self-pity. I know we can’t change thought patterns as easily as we’d like, but you can’t think that way. It only opens up more room for that fucking bastard to manipulate you.”

Hearing those crude words from that pretty mouth startled Finn to laugh. From the pleased look Elin gave him, that was exactly what she’d been hoping for. The tension gripping him eased as he pulled her back into his arms. As he nestled his head in the hollow of her neck, listening to her heartbeat, he remembered what Christine said about bed rest.

“We should get you back home again,” he murmured.

“Home is in your arms.”

Finn kissed her pulse point. “Is it?”

“It is.” She tangled her fingers into his hair. “Goddess, but I wish that Christine hadn’t said absolutely under no circumstances are we to have sex. I want to meld into you so much right now.”

Finn lifted her back to the examination bed and stroked her hair from her eyes. “We only have to wait a little while longer. One week until we can see our baby. Then, it takes six weeks to heal, at least for humans. Or is that just from vaginal birth? Maybe the surgery takes longer.”

Elin cupped his chin and swept her thumb over his lips. “We just have to be patient is what you’re saying.”

“Yeah. I’m not going to do anything to risk you further.” He frowned. Before they slept together again at all, he needed to make sure he was incapable of getting her pregnant. As much as he realized he did want to be a father, he couldn’t put her through this again.

If they wanted more kids, they’d adopt. Maybe IVF with a sperm donor if Elin wished to give birth again. That would be something to discuss later when they had the space to have a long discussion, weighing all the pros and cons.

“You know, the first time we slept together? I kept telling myself I wasn’t going to do it. First, I just wanted to check on you and make sure you were okay. Then it was just one kiss.” Finn shook his head, laughing ruefully. “The need to connect with you was so strong. I knew the moment we met on that street, all you’d have to do is crook a finger at me, and I’d be on my knees.”

“Really?” Elin laughed. “So that means I didn’t have to wait so long?”

Finn nuzzled her neck. “I am your dearly devoted. I love you.”

Elin let out a shaky breath. “I love you, too.”

Finn closed his eyes, reveling in this moment. Love. It was a word he’d been terrified of for so long.

“And Christine thinks that an early C-section will work? That it won’t hurt you?” Finn asked, meeting her eyes again.

“She thinks it’s the best option we have. But it is risky for both me and the baby.” Elin bit her lip. “Waiting is risky, too. She’ll have to continue monitoring me. It’s best to give him as much time as possible, but we want to be ready just in case.”

Finn brushed his hand over her belly. “I trust her judgment. Let’s do it.”

***

Finn sat on the edge of the bed, Elin tucked into the blankets and pillows again. She wore a modest nightgown that hid her figure entirely, but Derek still didn’t seem to want to look at her. His eyes were averted to the floor.

“You want me to work with Christine?” Derek complained. Finn had just told him to arrange with Christine to get everything they needed.

“Are you incapable of doing that?” Finn asked pointedly.

Derek shook his head. “But she might be incapable of working with me.”

Finn let out an annoyed huff. “Look. I’ve held my tongue and not tried to push you two into reconciling. But this is about my mate and child, Derek. If you can’t stop being petty when Elin is in danger, how can I trust you again?”

“I—” Derek started, his head snapping up. But he closed his mouth again.

“I don’t have the patience for this old beef when Elin is in danger, Derek. Right now, you’re the closest thing I have to a Beta. I need this to happen. I need someone who will push this through when the males don’t respect Christine as a human woman,” Finn said softly.

Derek nodded once. “Although I think you’re underestimating Christine. She could castrate them all single-handedly if they tried to stop her.”

It was the closest he’d gotten to complimenting her in years. Elin giggled at the comment, and Derek grinned at her. He bowed once and left the room. Finn grunted as he stretched out beside his mate, resting his head on the pillow.

“I like it when you call me your mate,” Elin told him, snuggling close to him.

“I like it, too. So. What names have you come up with so far?”

“Hendrik or Sven. Or Findlay, Finnegan, Finley… something that starts with ‘fin,’ after you,” she said, her voice dropping shyly at the end.

Finn searched her gaze. “You want to name him after me? Even after… everything?”

Elin tapped his nose. “I’m considering it. But now it’s not just my decision. It’s ours. So I want you to come up with a few names yourself.”

“I’ll try,” he promised. His mind went to Beth. Was there a masculine form of the name? He couldn’t think of one.

It wasn’t long before Elin fell asleep. Finn kissed her and tucked the blankets around her before slipping off the bed. He went to his desk but couldn’t find the motivation to work. Instead, he kept watching Elin. She’d gone through another dramatic drop in weight over the last few days. No wonder Christine had suggested the early c-section.

He was still sitting there, watching his mate, when Rosemary came to the house. Finn welcomed her into the house.

“I can sit with Elin while you’re busy,” Rosemary told him.

Finn hesitated. He didn’t want to sneak away while she was sleeping again.

Compassion filled Rosemary’s eyes. “I know it’s a difficult time right now. It’s not easy seeing someone go through that. There were many nights when Seth and I would sit at Beth’s bedside at night, sleepless with worry. Sometimes, I felt as though if I looked away, even for an instant, she would slip away.”

Finn flinched. “I’m sorry. I didn’t…”

He trailed off. What was he supposed to say? He didn’t mean to? It wasn’t a choice he’d made. There was nothing he could have done. He understood why Seth blamed him. He’d gotten so caught up in his anger and guilt he’d followed the same path.

“I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry I didn’t do more to protect you,” Rosemary said, her shoulders slumping. “I’m sorry I didn’t keep you. When I think of what Beth would say… she’d hate me and Seth for what we put you through.”

“I don’t,” Finn said honestly.

“I do.”

Finn nodded his understanding. There were some things that forgiveness wasn’t possible for. And sometimes, that meant you’d never forgive yourself. Just like how he’d never forgive himself if Elin didn’t make it through this pregnancy despite everything. Even though he knew she made her choice, even though he knew she loved that baby… and he loved their son, too, now.

Rosemary sighed. “Elin is strong. Beth wasn’t. She was born with no wolf and was sickly at the best of times. I never thought she would survive as long as she did. She showed strength during that pregnancy, which we didn’t know she had.”

“I wish… I wish she hadn’t died,” Finn said. “I wish she hadn’t sacrificed her life for me.”

“Don’t say that, Finn.” Rosemary took his hands in hers and squeezed lightly. “You were worth it to her, so you must find a way to see that worth yourself. She loved you. She loved you so much. And I’m not sure it would have changed anything. I think… I think she was going to die anyway.”

Shock rippled through him.

“I think she knew it, too. She held on as long as she did because she was determined for you to be born.”

Finn searched Rosemary’s eyes and saw nothing but the truth. But what did it mean? Why was she telling him this? It didn’t change that Beth had been tricked and then died to bring him to life. He didn’t know how to respond to her. Should he reassure her? Thank her?

“I…” he trailed off.

Rosemary squeezed his hand. “Take care of your mate. But also learn to love yourself. You’ll always doubt yourself until you do.”