Page 53 of Tell Me Your Desires

Kate smiled. “Or maybe we can call it self-aware.” She took a deep breath, and her expression instantly turned serious.

“The ones who remained of our team and didn’t hate me took me out for drinks to celebrate my promotion.

We drank the night away, and I…didn’t stop.

I became what they call a functioning alcoholic.

I was consumed with guilt for what I did to you, for driving you away.

But I also had the blood of six agents on my hands. If I hadn’t done what I did…”

“It still would have happened,” Anya said firmly.

For the first time since Kate had returned to her life, Anya’s heart forgave her.

She reached across the table and laid her hand over Kate’s.

“Radford had already made up his mind to go on the mission before he asked your opinion, Kate. It wouldn’t have mattered what answer you gave him.

You can’t carry the weight of these deaths any more than I can. ”

Kate flipped her hand over and interlaced her fingers with Anya’s. “I appreciate you saying that.”

Anya offered Kate a small smile before retracting her hand.

Although she wanted to be empathetic, she didn’t want to give any mixed signals.

“I need you to know that it’s not something I’m saying just to ease your conscience.

The operation was already in motion. Radford understood where your loyalties lay. ”

“You’re saying he used me to justify his carelessness?”

I’m saying you both had an agenda that day.

Anya thought silently to herself. “I’m saying he knew his team and how to push the right buttons.

” Anya believed that if Kate had carried the guilt of those deaths all these years, she had suffered enough.

A little reprieve was deserved. She tilted her head and studied Kate as an idea popped into her head.

“You’re in the program, aren’t you? Alcoholics Anonymous. Step what? Eight, is it?”

“Nine,” Kate spoke softly, her head bowed as if she couldn’t look Anya in the eye.

“Make direct amends. I tried to find you, but—” she shook her head.

“Most people, when they don’t want to be found, go off-grid.

But you know how hard that is in a modern world full of technology.

You flooded the grid. Every search turned up a new headache, but no Dr. Anastasia Grant.

That’s why I put you on the Hotwatch list. And I know it’s a total misuse of my power as SAC, but program or not, I needed you to know how sorry I am for what I did to you. ”

Anya’s brows furrowed. “T-that’s the first time you’ve ever said those words.”

“I know. And I’m sorry for that, too. I’m sorry for the way I treated you, for betraying you, for letting you walk out of my life.

No, for pushing you out of my life. I have many regrets in life, Anya, but losing you?

That’s the biggest one. I hope this detective of yours knows what she has with you.

I hope she cherishes it. And most of all, I hope you are happy. ”

A tear slid down Anya’s cheek. She couldn’t fault a program that encouraged people to do that. “T-thank you, Kate. I don’t know what else to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything else. Unless you want to forgive me, but that’s not a requirement.

” Kate cleared her throat. “I understand that I can say all the beautiful words, but they hold no real value unless I follow through with my actions. My initial attitude towards your friend and my comments about your new job were far from honorable. I apologize. I’m a… work in progress.”

Anya smiled, then laughed when Kate nearly screamed as Derek jumped on her lap to get a closer look at the sushi that was sadly being ignored by the humans.

“Derek, get down! You can’t have sushi. The last time you ate a piece of Shaggy Dog, you had stomach issues for a week.”

“Mew! Meow!”

“I will disclose what kind of stomach issues those were to our guest if you don’t get down right now. Do you want to be embarrassed?”

“Meow!”

Derek plopped down off Kate’s lap and sashayed away, meowing the entire time.

“I don’t know what just happened,” Kate said, somewhat breathlessly.

“You were Dereked.” Anya shrugged. “And I forgive you. But I’m still going to need another favor.”

Kate’s mouth hung open as she watched Derek stroll away. “He…you…then he…” She pointed at Derek, then at Anya, then at the sushi, then back at Derek as she stuttered her way through this entire exchange.

“Are you having a stroke, Kate?”

“You know, I’m not sure that I’m not. You just had a whole conversation with your cat, who just stormed off muttering to himself because you threatened to embarrass him.”

A smile broke out on Anya’s face. “That’s my boy.”

Kate blinked several times. “Okay. You’re acting like that’s normal, so I’m just going to pretend it’s normal and move on before my head explodes.”

“Good idea.”

“Thank you for forgiving me, by the way.”

Anya smiled again. “Sure. I mean, I don’t think Derek does, but…” She lifted a shoulder and eyed the files. “Are you ready to get back to work?”

“Yes. I promised you my undivided attention to the case, and you have it. Wait, what favor?” Kate picked up her water and took a sip.

“Oh, we’ll get to that more later. But it involves the possibility of the UNSUB having explicit sex tapes of me that I would like not to get out.”

They spent the next few minutes carefully dabbing the water that Kate had just spewed onto the files, trying not to damage them.