Page 58 of Teach Me
I let Mark’s words sink in, simmering in my mind as I lay there staring at the popcorn ceiling. Was he right? Was I too caught up in my own self-imposed rules and principles to see the bigger picture? Maybe he was right. Maybe it wasn’t the secrecy that was the issue. I’d been lying to myself, but it wasn’t the kind of lie I feared; it wasn’t a relapse waiting to happen or some dark secret that would tear me apart. On the contrary, thoughts of Grady filled me with lightness. It was actually an admission of truth. I was head over heels for Grady Lusk.
“What if he doesn’t feel the same?” My heart sank at the thought.
“Then you deal with it. You move on like you’ve moved on before. But at least you both know where you stand.”
That hit home. I’d been so caught up in my own turmoil I’d almost forgotten that Grady had a lot on his plate, too, emotionally speaking, that he might be struggling with the same fears and uncertainty. Or that he might not share the depth of feelings I had. After all, he was navigating the same treacherous waters and arguably had more to lose. It was true if he didn’t feel the same for me as I felt for him, I’d have to move on. And it would hurt. But at least it wouldn’t be a secret burden I’d have to carry alone.
“Ahhh, fuck…” I sighed heavily, closing my eyes as reality washed over me in cold waves. My heart sat heavy in my chest, but there was also a sense of relief, like a knot unraveling.
Mark’s laughter echoed through the room, soft and infectious. “Yeah, buddy, relationships are a real bitch sometimes.”
“Especially when you didn’t even mean to get into one in the first place.”
“Tell me about it.”
Silence stretched between us for a few beats. Downstairs, I heard the TV come on, the murmur of voices. All of itwas comforting. Mark next to me, the din of the house, being surrounded by people who’d let me back in after I’d hurt them, gave me a chance to redeem myself. Graduation was weeks away, and in the midst of my heartache with Grady, nostalgia tinged with sadness filled me, knowing that they’d all be moving on soon, too. Even though we had the house until the end of August, it felt like the energy had already shifted, like a change of seasons. I could feel it all coming to a close.
“I’m gonna miss this,” I whispered and swiped at the warmth trekking down my cheeks.
“Me too.” Mark’s cool fingers found mine on the bed and threaded through them. “C’mere.”
I scooted closer to him, and we shifted around until he was spooning me. “Since when did you become a cuddler?”
“Dunno.” I felt Mark’s shoulder hitch against my back. “Somewhere between living with Sam and getting together with Chet. It’s nice, yeah?”
“Yeah.” He smelled good, familiar, and a memory flashed behind my eyelids of the first time I’d met him, his welcoming grin, and then the frat house the day we’d moved in, how he’d flung himself on one of the tiny twin beds and told me to take whichever one I wanted, all the parties he’d invited me to freshman year, infinitely cooler than I was, all the times he’d picked me up when I needed him to, the bottles of water he’d leave beside my bed, the dim memory of waking up in a hospital room, the pressure of his touch on me then and now. My heart threatened to burst from my chest, and I was glad he was behind me and couldn’t see the tears ready to flow down my cheeks again.
“You’re a really fucking good friend, you know?” I whispered. “And I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you, too.” He nuzzled my shoulder. “Just remember. No matter what happens, you’ve got us.”
“I know. You’ve got me, too.”
We lay there a while longer. One or both of us might have fallen asleep until the door flung open and Sam filled the frame.
“Dinner’s ready. Ohhh, a cuddle party? Can I join?”
“You’re too big,” Mark protested. It was a futile effort. Sam threw himself across our legs. Jesse wasn’t far behind, nosy as ever.
“What’s going on in here?”
“Mark and Cam and I are cuddling.”
“Bunch of sluts,” he said and then flopped down in front of me. “Is someone sad? Having drama? Why are we cuddling?”
“We’re getting close to graduation,” Mark said, and it was as good an explanation as any. “No more house, no more dinners, no more…” He gestured around us.
“Shit. It’s been so crazy lately I haven’t even thought about that. You’re right. Ugh. Depressing. I should’ve made a cheesecake ‘cause now I’m gonna need to eat these feelings.”
Sam ruffled Jesse’s hair, and we all looked up as Ansel appeared in the doorway.
“Fucking knew I’d catch all of you heathens in an orgy someday.”
Mark threw a pillow at him as Jesse extended a hand. “Come join the heathen pile, you weirdo.”
Ansel grinned and then sprinted toward us.
The collision was both painful and absolutely worth it.