Page 57 of Teach Me
“What?” Mark’s eyes went wide, and I shushed him quickly. God knew a whiff of scandal might alert Jesse.
“We didn’t know at first.” I explained the whole crazy scenario from the start, and by the end, Mark was sitting fully upright, cross-legged on the bed, frowning as he digested.
“Shit, that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.”
“It already happened,” I said glumly.
I waited for more and, when nothing came, peered over at him. “You’re not gonna chastise me or something? Tell me how stupid I am to have gotten into that situation in the first place.”
“I mean, duh, but that’d kinda make me a hypocrite, considering everything that went down with me and Chet and my dad.” He shrugged. “I know what it feels like to be caught between a rock and hard place.” He looked me over carefully. “You’re in deep, huh? Like, caught feelings?”
“We’re just blowing off steam.”
Mark arched a brow. “You sure about that?”
“No,” I admitted. “I mean, I was sure about it at first, but yeah, I fucking like him as a person. I like being around him,lovebeing around him, and I’m trying really fucking hard to compartmentalize that.”
Mark let out a quiet snort. “And is he doing the same? Compartmentalizing?”
“That’s what we agreed to.” I fiddled with the sheets, twisting them around my finger. “But no. It’s not like that anymore. I think he feels the same as I do, but it’s like if we tell each other, it’ll make it worse. Because none of that changes the fact that he’s a professor with a book coming out and a book tour, and I’m just some dumb undergrad.”
“Man, you are screwed.” There was no mockery in Mark’s tone, though. Instead, I heard an echo of sympathy there, a mirror to the turmoil twisting around my guts. His voice gentled when he spoke next. “And don’t say you’re some dumb undergrad. You know better than that. You’ve been working your ass off. Don’t discount any of that. I think you should tell him how you feel.”
“What for?”
“Because it’s the truth, and maybe that matters, even if you can’t do anything about it. Maybe sometimes that’s when the truth matters the most.”
I inhaled a shaky breath and nodded. “Yeah, maybe. That’s part of what gets to me about this whole thing, having to be a secret, having to lie. I said I’d never do that again, get myself into a situation where I have to, and look where I am.”
Mark propped up on one elbow, forehead scrunching. “And what, you think that’s a road back to relapse or something?”
“It could be, sure. But it’s more that…it’s like I’m living two lives again, and it’s getting harder to keep one from merging with the other without causing a lot of damage.”
“Damn,” he said simply, and it was such a Mark response that it almost made me laugh. “Can’t you two, like, lay low for a while, get through the summer so you can graduate, and then get together again?”
“That’s not going to solve everything, and I have no idea if he’d even want that.” I pointed out, though it did offer a kind of solution.
“So talk to him about it, numbskull.” He thumped my arm sharply. “You wanna know what I think?”
I gave him a wan smile. “You’re gonna tell me anyway, but yeah.”
“I’m no philosopher or anything, but this whole thing about lying and secrecy? I kinda wonder if you’ve made some sort of superstition or talisman or something out of it.”
I frowned. “How do you mean?”
“I mean, it’s a noble cause and shit, right? But sometimes you can lie or be secretive for noble reasons, too. It’s not automatically evil or harmful to someone else. Shit, all this stuff we’ve talked about? It’s not anyone’s goddamn business, really. If you never told me any of this, and a year from now, I saw you walking down the street with your guy, and you told me you’d been seeing each other in secret for months because you were his student when you got together, I’d totally fucking understand. Chet and I did it, and we’d planned on doing it for longer, except we have no chill. And the stakes were different.”
“It can be harmful to yourself.”
Mark gave me a pointed look. “Lying to yourself, you mean?”
“Yeah.”
“Like you’re doing right now, trying to play it cool when you’re head over heels for this dude?”
Goddammit. I groaned, and Mark laughed.
“Look, Cam, like I said, I’m not the smartest man on the face of this earth, but I do believe someone can be true to themselves and to others”—he gave me another pointed look—“without having to confess all your inner workings or private life. That’s not secrecy. There’s a difference between being a filthy liar and playing it close to the vest because not everyone deserves or needs to know the intimate details of your life until you’re ready for them to.”