Page 55 of Teach Me
“Paul.”
“Okay, write the rec for Paul, tell him to keep his mouth shut, and be done. Wait.” John’s eyes narrowed. “Paul what? You said he’s a TA? So a grad student, right?”
“Yeah, he’ll be finishing up next fall and is applying for?—”
“Some fancy fellowship.”
“Yeah.” I blinked. “You know him?”
“Holy fuck, the universe has a weird sense of humor sometimes.” John chortled. “Yeah, I know him. We’ve been fucking for a few weeks. Nothing serious, but I remember he was frustrated one night when we met up, said something about thinking he’d pissed a professor off enough for him not to write a rec he really wanted for that fellowship. Wild.”
“Wild? No, complicated, potentially scandalous, and something that could jeopardize my career, not to mention my book deal.”
“Only if you let it,” John said, taking a sip of his coffee. “I’m not sure you’re giving yourself enough credit here. First of all, I don’t think Paul has anything on you aside from a hunch. Hunches, as you are well aware, are not admissible in an academic setting, much less a court. If he had genuine proof and wanted to do something with it, he would have said something by now. It sounds like he panicked, tried to use that as leverage, but has no real intent of doing anything with it. Probably because that would make him a hypocrite.”
“I’m not following.”
“Paul likes to tell me of his exploits. He’s fucked around where he shouldn’t, too. Including his advisor. Whom he’s still involved with, when I’m not railing him on the side.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Like I said, you’re not giving yourself enough credit. Paul has bigger fish to fry.”
“That little shit. I should go to…”
John held his hand up. “Nope, you shouldn’t do a goddamn thing besides write that rec letter that it sounds like you’d planned on doing anyway, lay low, and…when’s this guy you’re in love with graduating?”
“I’m not in…” I stopped myself before I lied, Cameron’s words in the back of my mind. “August, if all goes as planned,” I said softly.
“So, worst-case scenario, you help Paul with his fellowship, build some goodwill, and then tell him to keep his mouth shut.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
John shrugged nonchalantly. “Then deal with that if it arises. But for now, it sounds like your biggest problem isn’t Paul. It’s that you’re trying to deny yourself something you really want. Just like you’ve been doing since I met you.”
I stared at John, the wisdom of his words sinking in slowly. “It’s not that simple.”
John laughed, the sound booming even amidst the noisy restaurant. “When is it ever? It’s possible for something to be ‘not that simple’ but also possible that things get overly complicated, especially by certain academics who are used to looking for patterns and meaning in every single thing. Because it’s their job. But a job isn’t always reality. A job is an aspect of the greater whole of reality. Unless you make it your whole identity.” John looked pointedly at me. “Take it from a lawyer who regularly has to squash my own gut feelings in the nameof seeking justice. Because it’s my fucking job. But it’s not my reality.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed. I couldn’t ignore the fact that my heart quickened every time the image of Cameron’s face popped into my mind. His radiant smile, his cobalt eyes twinkling with curiosity, and, I liked to think, affection for me at the very least.
“You can deny something all you want, but that doesn’t mean it ceases to exist, especially in the realm of feelings. Hell,youtaught me all of this, Grady. I’m just parroting it back at you, a. because it’s true, and b. because I take great delight in getting to reverse roles with you on occasion. Makes me feel smarter than I am. For a few minutes anyway.” He winked at me. “Take Paul out of this situation. He doesn’t exist. From there, figure out what you want. What you truly, truly want. Maybe it’s this guy, maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s the puritanical life of an academic, and maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s a combination of many things or none of them. But for as smart as I know you to be, I’m not sure you’ve figured that out yet.”
For once, John was wrong. I did know what I wanted. It was trying to figure out how to navigate the obstacles standing in my way that were causing a raging case analysis paralysis.
I calledPaul into my office later that afternoon, tapping the corner of my desk to indicate the sealed recommendation letter once he’d shut the door behind him. “The recommendation letter you requested,” I said, then gestured to the chair in front of my desk. “Sit for a moment. I’d like to talk to you.”
Paul’s expression went from elated to cautious, but he sat and was smart enough not to take the letter off my desk yet, evenif his gaze kept straying toward it like he thought I might take it away.
“You’re in the dual degree master’s program here—a program that takes up a ton of time and requires a lot of dedication. I’ve always found that impressive. You’ve been a good TA, as well, and from what I hear and have seen, excellent at tutoring, too.”
“Yessir.” Paul nodded, the tension in his posture relaxing slightly. “Thank you.”
“At the beginning of the year, you were undecided about what you’d do with this dual master’s, whether your calling was more towards the business side or the academic side. I’m sure you’re also aware, too, that a dual degree like this affords you a lot of lucrative potential in mergers and acquisitions. You’re going to leave this university with in-depth knowledge about human behavior, social dynamics, and a comprehensive skill set for negotiating and managing acquisitions in a variety of organizational contexts. This fellowship will be yet another feather in your cap, and if you play your cards right, you could easily land yourself as a key player in a Fortune 500 company before you turn thirty. My guess is that’s what you’re hoping for, at least.”
“Yessir.” Paul nodded again. This time, his back straightened and his chest puffed up. “I’ve been considering all of my options.”
“Right.” I held my gaze steady on him. “And let me be clear, I’m not trying to dissuade you from that path. Any organization would benefit from your skills and dedication.” I paused for a beat. “However, certain decisions you’ve made recently…I think you should consider whether those align with your goals. A lot of the art of negotiation is assessing your hand and judging it against what you think the other person has. But one of thegreatest mistakes a person in your position might make is to try to negotiate when it’s not necessary.”