Page 53 of Teach Me
“I didn’t tell him. I didn’t even confirm anything, but he somehow knows. I don’t think he has any proof or anything like that, but I don’t know.”
“Did he threaten you?”
I shook my head. “It was very…it was the weirdest non-blackmail blackmail attempt I’ve ever heard. The only one I’ve ever heard.” I chuckled bitterly. “He just wanted me to talk to you. He didn’t threaten to expose us if I didn’t or if you said no to writing the letter.”
Grady mumbled something about social manipulation under his breath, and then sighed. “Christ, he probably does deserve that rec with that kind of approach. It’s smart.”
“I believe him. I don’t think he’ll say anything.”
“But we can’t be certain. Why the fuck are you just now telling me this?” he snapped and then closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bite your head off.”
Fuck, I hated this. “I should’ve. I don’t know. It was right before spring break, and I panicked and wanted some time to think, and then I went home, and my parents, and then we went to your sister’s and we were having such a good time. I didn’t want to ruin it…” I petered out, my eyes stinging as I whispered. “Those are all dumb excuses, I know. I’m sorry.”
“This is serious.” Grady rested his elbows on the countertop and put his head in his hands, massaging his eyes with the heels of his palms. “It’s not only my job—it would kill the publicity tour, too.” He looked up at me then, a weariness in his gaze that aged him almost a decade. “Fuck. What have I gotten myself into? What the fuck have I been thinking?”
My jaw clenched as frustration boiled over inside me. “Thinking with your dick, maybe?” I snapped and instantly regretted it as Grady looked up sharply at me, a flash of pain in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” I quickly apologized. “I’m guilty of the same. Thinking with my dick. Thinking we could keep things from becoming complicated. I mean, shit, I’m going against my own promises to myself, that I would never be a liar again, and now I have. I’ve lied to you, even by omission. And I’ve put myself in a situation where I have to lie to all my friends, keep you a secret. All for an ‘easy’ hookup.”
“An easy hookup…” he echoed softly and then shook his head with a baleful downturn of his mouth. “You know, that isn’t remotely what enters my mind when I think of you now, but I suppose you’re right. You said this from the beginning, didn’t you? No strings attached. It was what we agreed to.”
“Yes, we did.” The lump in my throat grew larger, threatening to choke me as I watched Grady grapple with the reality ofour situation. It had been what we agreed to, yeah, and now I couldn’t imagine not having him. The emotional tightrope we were walking was dangerous. It had always been bound to snap. I stared at the worn-out tiles of Grady’s kitchen floor, heart pounding in my chest like a hammer against an anvil and the sharp sting of regret nettling my skin. “Grady,” I started, my voice a rough whisper. “I didn’t mean…”
He held up a hand to stop me, his fingers trembling slightly as they rubbed against the bristly hairs on his chin. Then, he exhaled a long sigh, arms crossing over his chest and nodded, seemingly to himself. “I’m not being fair to you.”
“Hold on.”
“No,” he said sharply. “You’re right. You shouldn’t have to hide anything just to protect me.”
“But—”
Grady continued, his voice a low rumble. “This isn’t about right or wrong, Cameron. This is about us making sure we’re not sacrificing who we are, what we believe in and stand for. And you…you need to focus on finishing your degree, your friends, your job.” His voice lowered to a near whisper. “And I need to…” He looked at me then, expressive eyes clouded with conflict I knew mirrored my own.
“To protect your reputation and your career,” I finished for him, the sour taste of reality thick on my tongue, though I didn’t say it unkindly. It was a simple truth. One I couldn’t argue with.
Grady nodded, his gaze never leaving mine. A profound sadness gripped me as he reached over the kitchen counter to gently grasp my hand. His touch still sent an electric jolt through me, but it was bittersweet.
When he tugged, I came around the counter and wrapped my arms around him as he did the same. “Let’s take a little break for a few days. Let things settle down.” I knew as soon as he said it we’d reached the end of our road. I nodded into his shoulder tokeep from choking on a sob. “I’ll get everything sorted out with Paul.”
“Alright,” I whispered against his shirt, the earthy scent of his cologne grounding me. My heart was lead in my chest. Grady’s arms tightened around my waist, his fingers digging into my back through the thin T-shirt. I felt the steady rhythm of his heart pounding against me and closed my eyes, absorbing the warmth of his embrace and committing it to memory.
A cold emptiness bloomed inside me as I backed away from him and tried to put on a brave face.
“Let me grab my keys, and I’ll drive you.”
“I’d rather walk.”
Grady scrutinized me and then nodded, no doubt seeing the hard resolve in my expression. I needed air and space. I picked up my bag and walked out the door before I lost it.
26
GRADY
It had taken every bit of self-control I possessed not to go after Cameron the second the door closed behind him, every last shred of rational thought to tuck my phone away when I opened it up to our chat, until finally, when three days after he’d walked out of my door, I deleted the thread.
I’d instantly regretted it and tried to get it back, but it was gone.
The semester would be wrapping up in less than a month, and I couldn’t remember ever being more grateful to see it come to a close. If I thought it’d been painful to share a confined space with Cameron for fifty minutes back when we’d broken anonymity, it was exponentially worse now. Even catching a glimpse of him in my periphery made me ache, body to toe. I listened for the sound of his voice, his laugh, and then ached when I could pick him out from the crowd. I missed feeling him tangled alongside me in bed, missed the way he kissed and the idle chitchat. Every other moment, I wondered if we were doing the right thing and yet I couldn’t see any alternatives.
“I assume book stuff is going well, considering I haven’t seen you in—” John made a show of checking his phone. “—literal weeks.”