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Chapter Twenty-Eight

Lars

I woke up with a stiff neck and a heavy pit in my stomach. Straightening in the bedside chair, I checked in with Mabel. She was awake and looked so much better. Color, and not the fire-engine-red kind, bloomed on her cheeks. Her eyes sparkled with pleasure, and I could tell she was happy to see me.

I grasped her little finger. “You okay, Mabel?”

“Yabby!”

“Yeah, yabby to you, too. You gave me quite the scare, ya little monster.”

She chattered on with her usual baby talk and I listened, thanking my stars she was in a better mood. Last night when we were moved to a private room in Pediatrics, I sent Adeline home. There was no reason why both of us should get no sleep.

I regarded the empty chair on the other side of the room, wishing she was here, that I could have woken up to both my girls. When she left, she’d been in a subdued mood, which I put down to her worry about Mabel.

Numerous texts had come in overnight from the team and org staff, checking in on Mabel. Even one from MacFarlane, telling me she was in his thoughts, which meant pigs might actually have transcended the laws of physics after all.

The only person who mattered was Adeline. I needed to be up front with her about what I wanted. Not just a nanny for Mabel. Not just a village to raise my child.

I wanted this woman with every part of me.

The door opened, and I looked up expecting a nurse, or better yet the woman I loved. It was Elle, toting two cups of coffee.

“Hi,” she whispered. “How is she?”

“Good. She’s awake.” I stood, took the cup she offered, and kissed her cheek. “She’s been talking up a storm, which usually means she’s in a good mood.”

“Oh, thank God. I thought you could do with a break.”

I didn’t like the idea of leaving her, but Elle was as experienced as anyone. I trusted her, the heart and soul of this family who meant the world to me.

“I probably stink.”

“No, you’re fine. But I’m here if you want to nip home and get a shower or some rest.” It might have been my imagination, but she seemed on edge.

I sipped my coffee, let its magical properties lift me. “Is everything okay?”

A small sigh, nothing dramatic, but I sensed what was coming. “Last night, I saw you and Adeline together.” She didn’t need to elaborate. We both knew what she meant.

“Okay.” I put the coffee cup down. “I can see that would be upsetting for you.” I had to assume Theo didn’t know because my balls were still intact.

“She says you didn’t take advantage, Lars, but I find that hard to believe. You’re the more experienced person here.”

I snapped my gaze to hers. “You and Adeline discussed this?”

“Once I knew, I couldn’t exactly ignore it.”

Adeline hadn’t said a word. Maybe she worried about piling on, given Mabel’s condition.

“She’s too young, Lars.”

I swallowed. “Yeah, she is.”

“And she has very little experience with relationships. She’s always set my and Theo’s relationship on a pedestal. She wants what we have.”

My heart cheered. Yes, that’s what I want, too.

“So it surprised me when she said what you two had was merely a short-term thing.”

My jubilant heart pricked like a spent balloon.

“That it just happened because of the living situation and …” She gestured at me. “Her crush.”

Her crush. Right.

While I tried to process that, Elle went on. “The thing is. She’s lying.”

“She is?”

“Lars, my daughter’s in love with you.”

Snap, I’m in love with her, too. I should have been overjoyed to hear this.

But Elle’s expression wasn’t giving “welcome to the fam” vibes.

As kind as she had been to me over the years with the invites, the fond words, the pitching in with Mabel, it all meant squat because now I was a threat to her daughter’s happiness.

“She didn’t say that, though,” I said.

“No, but I know my daughter. She’s had a thing for you for years. A teen crush, rather harmless, I thought. It seemed to have vanished while she was away, and once she started looking after Mabel, I had hoped she would see it for what it was. The reality of it.”

I struggled with the words. “The reality?”

“Lars, you have so much going on right now with Mabel and working out custody with her mother. The more embedded my daughter becomes in your family, the less likely she’ll figure out her own path.

Adeline’s a sensitive girl, and she’s always been the caregiver in our family, the one who puts everyone else before herself.

She might confuse her feelings for you with obligation. Set aside her own needs.”

Everything she said resonated. I had been using Adeline, weaponizing her selflessness to make my life easier. I knew she had a crush, and while I wasn’t convinced there was more to it despite Elle’s claims to the contrary, I recognized a mother’s concern.

You’re not good enough for my daughter.

“I took advantage, Elle. Of your hospitality, of your support, of your kindness.”

A flicker of something in her eyes—disappointment, perhaps—tugged at me before her gaze hardened.

“I’m not sure where to go from here,” she said.

“You mean, with Theo?”

She nodded. “I’m not in the habit of keeping secrets from my husband.”

Need advice? I’m a freakin’ expert.

I was betraying this man every day, and I had thought I could tell him about Adeline? About how my feelings for her had developed. About how it had gone from lust to love in an instant.

That would not be happening. I had taken the trust of a friend, his family, his daughter, and abused it. Not so different from the old man after all.

“I wouldn’t ask you to do that.”

“Really? My daughter did. She doesn’t want to upset the team’s strongest partnership. But if she’s serious about you—and I think she is—that will have to happen. I don’t want my daughter or my husband to be hurt, Lars.”

That said it all. I was all set to rip that partnership to shreds last night, but the collateral damage would be monumental.

Mabel made a sound, looking for attention.

The sight of her should have warmed me, but all I could think of was her short life’s volatility.

Her mother missing, her father a traitor to his legacy and his friends, not to mention what I was doing to Adeline.

Clinging to her for dear life because she and Mabel were the only good things in it.

“What happened with Adeline was a mistake. I’ll take care of it.”

Elle studied me. “She’ll be hurt.”

“She’ll get over it. First major crush and all that.” She looked like she wanted to say more, but this conversation had to end. “You don’t need to stay, Elle.”

She looked taken aback. She had to realize that this knowledge between us changed everything. What I had done to her daughter and her family had expended all my goodwill. I could no longer use the Kershaws as a crutch.

“It’s okay,” I assured her. “Thanks for the coffee. Thanks for everything.”

Adeline

Dragging a heart-shaped balloon and with a tartan teddy under my arm, I rounded the corner of the hospital corridor just as a nurse was leaving Mabel’s room.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes, Mabel’s with her dad. We’ve just discharged her, so she’ll be heading home.”

Relieved, I headed inside. Lars was pulling her tiny pink jacket on, but Mabel was resisting.

“Hey, team!”

He looked up at me, his brows drawn together in a V. “Hello.”

“The nurse told me she’s coming home.” I rushed in to help with her sleeve. “There ya go, Mabel.” She fisted my hair and gave it a good tug. “You must be so pleased,” I said to Lars.

“I am. Thanks for looking after her.”

“Of course. I would say it’s my job, but it’s more than that. It’s Mabel. I’m crazy about her.”

A curious range of emotions danced across his face. “I’d better get her home.”

Something about the way he said it pulled me up short. I, not we.

He was still fussing with Mabel’s jacket, not looking at me directly. “I called the childcare agency this morning. Janet’s still available and she can start on Monday.”

My heart plummeted. That was mere days away. “I didn’t realize you were ready to hire someone. You don’t feel like you’re settling?”

“I’m learning that compromise is the essence of parenthood. You said she was the best candidate we interviewed.”

I had, weeks ago, but I expected more discussion, that these decisions would be made as a team. As a family. I chuckled nervously. “Lars, are you firing me?”

Finally, he looked at me squarely. “This had to end sometime, Adeline.”

I resisted going to where my sorry heart was leaning. Surely, we were just talking about the nanny gig. My pulse was hammering a million miles an hour.

“I didn’t think you’d want to make such a drastic change. Mabel needs stability.”

“Then the sooner she starts with an official nanny, the better. And the sooner you can get on with your life.”

Enough of this dancing around the issue. “Lars, are you ending us ?”

“We knew it had an expiration date.”

As far as I was concerned, that had never been discussed. I had suspected we were on borrowed time yet a part of me hoped we’d figure something out. Suddenly, I saw what I wanted so badly slipping away—and I was no where near ready.

“Is this because of Mabel getting sick while in my care? I know I don’t have the same experience as an officially-certified nanny, but my mom was there and?—”

He cut me off. “That’s not it. You’ve been amazing with Mabel, an absolute godsend. But it’s time to part ways. It’s best for everyone.”

“Is it?”

“Adeline, don’t you see how much I’m hurting you?”

Right now? Yes, you dick. I shook my head, feeling like it might roll off my body at any moment.

He went on. “You’re too caught up in this, your first grand affair.

You don’t see the damage this thing we got going on is doing to your relationship with your dad.

Your family. You’re lying to them. I’m lying to them.

I’m dragging you down because I wanted you.

I wanted your sweetness and goodness and everything in between. I used you to make myself feel better.”

My debate skills were no match for this multi-pronged attack. “I wanted to be here. I want to be here.”

“In the gutter with me?”

I had no idea why he was doing this. “Lars, what’s going on?”

“I’m not the good guy here, Adeline.” He allowed Mabel to curl her cute hand around his little finger. Sure, real villain stuff.

“You are to me.”

“You sure about that? The guy who knocked up a married woman in a bar bathroom, who barely resisted when faced with the temptation of his friend’s daughter, who continues to lie to that friend every day. Such strength of character.” His tone was more than disgust. It was self-loathing.

“There’s such a thing as context. None of those things exist in a vacuum.”

That didn’t impress him much. “Is that what you told your mom?”

“My mom?”

He rubbed his beard. “She stopped by this morning to see Mabel. She mentioned that she’d seen us together last night. You and me.”

“Lars …”

“Don’t worry. I told her it was just a one-off. And I’d appreciate it if she kept it from your dad.”

“You told her it was a one-off?” My voice sounded like I was trying to talk through razor blades.

“Better that than mentioning the gritty details.”

I had told my mom it was a fling, and she must have shared that with Lars.

In my own fucked up way, I had told him that our future wasn’t important enough to override the fear.

Was this why he sounded so blasé about us?

Had I hurt his feelings? Or was he truly relieved that I’d given him an out, a means for him to bury his guilt and maintain a relationship with my father?

“What I said to my mom—it was a moment of panic. That’s not how I feel. I don’t think of this as a short-term thing. I just wanted more time to think through a solution, one that would work for everyone.”

I was the people pleaser, the peacemaker. Surely he could see that changing that pattern couldn’t happen overnight.

With each word out of my mouth, his eyes appeared to harden until they achieved peak ice. Pure, dark discs of indifference. But I could warm them up again with three little words.

“I love you.”

A muscle twitched in his jaw. “You don’t.”

Pain stabbed me in the heart. “Are you seriously telling me I don’t know my own mind?”

“Adeline, you once told me you wanted a great love story, something epic like your mom and dad. Now you’re saying you’d settle for this ?” He waved a hand between us, as if this was meaningless. “You have your entire life ahead of you. Why would you want to waste it on me?”

“It-it wouldn’t be a waste,” I said faintly. “It would be my choice.”

“Then you need to choose better.”

Apparently, I did. My throat felt thick with tears, my heart a ball of lead. I needed out of here, but I couldn’t just run. That would confirm to him that I was a stupid schoolgirl, crushed by my crush.

That was no longer me. I had become a different person, partly owing to him. More confident, more open. Yet he was prepared to teach me so much then throw me away?

Anger flared, hot and swift. “I never expected you to choose me over my dad. But I thought that if it came out, like it has, you wouldn’t be a chicken about it.”

That shocked the hell out of him. Cowardly Adeline Kershaw suddenly had claws.

“Hold on a sec?—”

I offered an imperious hand. “My mother confronts you with what she knows, and your first instinct is to tell her it was a one-off?”

Never mind that this was my initial reaction as well. My response came from a need to protect him, to protect his relationship with my father and the fortunes of the team. But deep down, I had hoped that he would claim me for his own, like he had that night he came to the nightclub.

“You’ve given me so much, Lars. Shone your sun on me and shown this wallflower how to bloom.

Soothed my fears and stopped the nightmares.

But I guess I haven’t helped you in the same way.

All this time you were worried about Sven’s blueprint for shitty fatherhood imprinting on you, along with his history as a rotten partner and an abuser.

You’re nothing like him, Lars, but as long as you think you’ve inherited his bad traits, then you’ll never be ready for something real. You’ll never be ready for me.”

Shock rendered him speechless, which gave me time to kiss the top of Mabel’s head and mutter a goodbye. I loved her and would miss her so much.

“Be good, little one. Take care of your daddy for me.”

He finally found his voice. “Adeline.”

But it was too little, too late. With my heart broken, I turned and left, one tired foot in front of the other.