Page 41

Rain has been falling steadily outside my bedroom window all day, but my tears dried up long ago.

I woke up this morning after a restless night of tossing and turning, with the same heaviness from yesterday still weighing on me. It’s eased slightly since then, thanks to Pia. I probably wouldn’t have left this room if it weren’t for her.

She declared my phone a no-go zone and made it her mission to distract me from everything. A few hours later, Macy and Elsie showed up. When Pia told them what had happened the previous night, I forced myself to become numb to my emotions.

I was tired of crying and emotionally exhausted. I didn’t want to think about Levi or what would happen next.

Of course, my girls were the best. The heavy stuff was off-limits, and they didn’t mention Levi. Nor did I bring him up.

We laughed—or at least I tried to. We ordered greasy food and pretended everything was fine. For a little while, I managed to escape the emotional turmoil.

Until the familiar heaviness in my chest crept back in. I just wanted a moment to myself. To pull the covers over my head and wallow in self-pity.

The girls must have sensed the shift in my mood because they were a little too enthusiastic when I mentioned stepping away. But now, alone in my bedroom, my thoughts drift back to Levi.

Did he wake up this morning and regret it?

Did he spend the night at the dorms, or was that a lie, too?

Did I even mean anything to him?

Each thought is more painful than the next.

When my bedroom door opens, I sit up and force a smile as Pia pokes her head in.

“Hey,” she says. “Just checking in on you.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, pulling the comforter higher.

She frowns, then hops onto the bed next to me. “For what?”

“Ruining our time together. I haven’t seen you in months, and when I finally do, you have to deal with this.” I stop myself from adding again at the end of the sentence.

I thought I knew better. I should have learned my lesson. I walked into this willingly, and now it’s blown up in my face.

“You’re not ruining anything. I’d have dropped everything back home to be here for you anyway.” She squeezes my hand gently. “Speaking of home, I changed my flight to tomorrow evening.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” I say quietly, but my body sags in relief. I don’t think I could handle seeing her go while my emotions are all over the place.

“There’s no way I could have left tonight knowing you’re dealing with this.”

“I’ll be fine.” I muster up a weak smile for her sake.

And I will be. Maybe not today or tomorrow. Maybe it’ll take months for this hole in my chest to fill. But there’ll come a day when I wake up, and it won’t hurt as much.

I’ll move forward because I have to, even if the thought of a future without Levi is soul-crushing.

“Yes, you will because you’re strong and amazing. But it’s also okay to feel sad.”

I rest my head on her shoulder. “Thank you.”

We sit in silence for a moment, and then I say the one thing I’ve been struggling to wrap my head around.

“I don’t get it, Pia. Everything was so good. I was happy and thought he was, too.” My voice cracks at the end, and my next breath is unsteady.

“I know.”

Something in her tone makes me straighten up. When I glance at her, I notice she's nibbling on her bottom lip, her telltale sign that she's debating whether or not to say something.

“Just say it,” I say, facing her fully.

She releases her bottom lip and sighs. “I don’t get it either. The entire night, he was only staring at you.” Her eyes soften. “He looked like a man in love. And then, out of nowhere, he throws it all away?”

My gaze drops to the comforter, frowning, as I take in her words. She’s right. It’s the part that confuses me, too. It’s the reason I’m still hoping there’s an explanation. One that puts everything into perspective. But then I remember the video, and that’s hard to explain away.

I lift a shoulder, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. When it comes away wet, I laugh. But it’s choppy, and there’s not a trace of humor behind it.

God, all I’ve done today is cry or stop myself from crying. I’m so tired of the tears.

“If he didn’t care in the first place, it wouldn’t be so far-fetched to think he’d throw it away.”

Sadness washes over her features at my words.

“I’m not justifying his actions, but—”

We’re interrupted by the sound of someone pounding on the front door. We share a look, and when it happens again, Pia is off the bed.

“I’ll go see who it is.” She flashes me a tight smile over her shoulder.

I nod, but my gut twists with dread and anticipation. I know who it is and why he’s here.

When Pia leaves, I kick off the comforter and rush to my small vanity desk. I pull my hair from the bun it’s been in since this morning and brush it out as quickly as possible. Retying it into a high ponytail is all I have time for.

When I hear the front door opening, I push off the chair and move to the window, watching the raindrops pelt the glass.

When the door opens, his familiar scent fills the space, and a wave of nerves tighten my chest. I fight the desperate urge to drop to my knees and beg him to tell me it’s all a misunderstanding.

I still love him.

I’m angry and hurt right now, but underneath it all, my love for him remains steadfast, perhaps foolishly so.

I’d do anything to have him take me in his arms and tell me everything will be okay. That we’ll be okay.

But wishful thinking is a bitch.

I can feel Levi’s gaze burning into my back as he waits for me to acknowledge his presence.

My eyes follow a single raindrop as it winds down the windowpane. When it finally disappears, I inhale deeply, count to three, and turn around.

Levi looks like shit.

His hair is wet and messy like he’s run his fingers through it a hundred times. His eyes are bloodshot and sunken in. The black shirt he wore to the party is wrinkled and covered in raindrop splatters.

Of course, it is. She took it off him, let it fall to the floor, and that’s probably where it stayed until they were done.

The reminder has me taking a step back just as Levi moves toward me. A flicker of pain crosses his face, but I don’t let myself feel the pull of sorrow. If I give in now, if I comfort him, there’s no hope of making it out of this with my head held high.

As the silence stretches on, I let the one emotion that will keep me from breaking down fester in my gut.

Anger.

“Bear,” his voice cracks, echoing through my bedroom.

The grief spilling into his tone gives me pause. He looks so helpless. Surely someone unfaithful by choice wouldn’t sound so broken ? Unless this is all an act as well.

My emotions intertwine with my memories, both old and new. I see Levi. I see Hunter. And I see myself—the girl who is, once again, collateral damage to broken promises.

Stealing my spine, I ask the one question only he can answer. “Why?”

“Bear, please.” He begs.

My chin quivers at the agony in his voice, but this is his fault. We’re here because of him.

“Tell me why, or get out.”

His throat bobs before his eyes flick to the ceiling. When they return to mine, I ignore the moisture pooling in them despite the sting in my chest at the sight of them.

“I don’t know what happened,” he whispers.

“I think the video explains things pretty well,” I say, knowing he would have seen it if he was at the dorm like Mack claimed.

I was next to Elsie when she sent it to Sam. I told her to send it to him.

“I would never do that to you.” He rasps. “Not after you confided in me about your past. Especially not after I told you your heart was safe with me. Please, I’m begging you to believe me.”

“You were drunk. People do stupid stuff when they’re drunk,” I choke out, forcing back a sob.

Levi lets out a frustrated groan and runs a hand through his already messy hair. “I had two and a half beers, Bear. Tell me how I wake up with no memory of the night before after two and a half beers?” A hint of panic seeps through his words.

But all I can do is stare at him. Anything I say to that will sound like I’m defending his actions.

I curl my hands into fists, letting my nails dig into my palms. The sting grounds me. It’s easier to focus on the physical pain than the tornado of emotions swirling inside.

Levi takes a tentative step forward. And then another, until he’s close enough to touch if I let myself.

“I would never cheat on you, drunk or sober. Please hear me when I say that. I love you, Bear.”

His voice breaks, and something in me does, too. Seeing him so torn up is eating me alive. But I’m conflicted. Once again, it’s a battle between my head and my heart.

I step back, my voice barely above a whisper, when I state the obvious. “There’s a video showing exactly what you’re denying.”

His jaw clenches, and I see the pain twisting his features at the reminder of what I saw. No, what he did . And if a picture is worth a thousand words, then surely a video must be worth millions.

The silence between us is heavy.

“Tell me what the signs were, Teddy Bear.” He says quietly, pleadingly.

“What?” I manage to ask, my breath hitching at the abrupt change in topic.

“You told me there were signs you ignored with your ex-boyfriend.” His eyes blaze with desperation. “Tell me what signs I gave you these past few months that would make you believe I suddenly threw away the best fucking thing that’s ever happened to me?”

Pia said something similar. Even she couldn't understand why he seemed so in love one moment and then acted like what we had didn’t matter the next.

But there’s temptation, and then there’s willpower. Both can be swayed, one way or another, if you’re not in the right frame of mind.

I think back to the last few months with Levi.

Our memories are painful to sift through, knowing where we are now.

But even amid my heartache, my mind is struggling to find a time when his behavior toward me changed.

Or when he started pulling away because he was no longer interested in spending time together.

Not once since we made our relationship official did I get that sinking feeling in my gut that he was hiding something or that his attention had strayed from me to someone else.

Not a single red flag until last night.

When my phone lit up with that text, the hair on the back of my neck stood up, and my heart dropped to my feet. I knew whatever I was about to see had the potential to rip my world apart.

My throat clogs with emotion, but I force myself to squeeze out the words I know will hurt. “Maybe that just makes you a better liar than him.”

Levi flinches from the impact of my words.

I want to take the words back and swallow them down. Tell him I didn’t mean them, and we can start over.

My heart’s not ready to let him go. Even the tiny voice in my head is begging me to look at the situation deeper.

You’re missing something.

But it’s hard to focus on anything but the ache in my chest.

“Tell me it isn’t over.” His eyes plead with me not to give up on him. On us.

"Go home, Levi," I choke out, no longer caring if it makes me look weak when a tear slides down my cheek.

“Tell me this isn’t the end of us.” He begs again.

“I need time,” I tell him honestly, blinking back another wave of tears. “Please, just leave.”

Levi nods slowly, defeat causing his shoulder to cave in. Every step he takes away from me makes me more desperate to ask him to say.

But I know I need to let him go.

When his hand curves around the door handle, he twists back. My heart cracks when I see the agony written all over his face. Levi’s cheeks are wet, and he gives me one last pleading look.

If he doesn’t leave now, I won’t have the strength to make him go. So I lower my gaze to the floor instead.

I bite my lip hard to stop a sob from escaping.

Only when the door opens and shuts behind him do I finally let it out.

He never did tell me why.