Page 39 of Spark
RUBY
“ W hen we get to my house,” Kendrick says, “I’m gonna make you come even harder than you did in that laundry room. Multiple times, too.”
We’re in his car, headed back to his house. He’s driving, and I’m his passenger princess.
“There’s no such thing as me coming harder than I did back there,” I reply with a laugh. “And multiple times? Babe, that’s never happened before, so don’t set your sights on that. I appreciate the enthusiasm, though.”
Kendrick looks away from the road to me. “Didn’t you say I made you come harder than Bruno?”
I scoff. “So much harder, it’s not even funny.”
Kendrick hoots again. “Then don’t underestimate me. That Kendrick Cook is a sex god, man.”
I snicker. “First of all, don’t refer to yourself in third person, please. It creeps me out. And second of all, don’t you dare tell Bruno I said that, or he’ll try to gag you to death in your sleep.”
Kendrick grimaces. “Not the way I want to go out. Death by dildo. ”
“Did you know the French call orgasms ‘little death?’ La petite mort . So, actually, death by dildo makes perfect sense, when you think about it like that.”
“Not being gagged to death by one, though. That’s a new fear unlocked. Thanks, Ruby.”
“Sure thing, babe.”
Kendrick adjusts his hands on the steering wheel. “Can I ask you something, in all seriousness? If you’ve never had an orgasm without the assistance of a vibrator, does that mean you always use one during sex? Or do you sometimes, you know, take care of yourself afterward, or . . .?”
“Either/or,” I answer honestly. “Also, there are lots of times when I just don’t bother with myself.” When Kendrick looks shocked, I add defensively, “Sex isn’t always about orgasms, you know. Sometimes, it’s about the journey, not the destination.”
“Well, yeah. But if you’re doing it right, isn’t it about both?”
“Not always. Not for me, anyway.”
He processes that. “Why don’t you always bother? You know, to get yours during sex?”
“Because it’s not always worth it.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s not always feasible to pull out a dildo, Kendrick. Also, sometimes, I don’t want to take the time. Or I’m feeling embarrassed.”
He looks pained. “You’ve got nothing to feel embarrassed about, Ruby. The guys you’ve been with, however … that’s another story. They should feel deeply ashamed of themselves.”
I press my lips together and look out the passenger-side window of Kendrick’s car—at the speckles of light rain dripping down the glass as we whiz down the freeway.
“It’s not their fault,” I whisper. “I don’t blame them. ”
“Well, I do. I’d never, not in a million years, get off with you and not make sure you did, too. Never . So, I don’t understand how any guy was okay with that for you.”
It’s a mind-blowing way for me to look at things. “I’ve never thought of it that way.”
“How is that possible?”
“Kendrick, you have to understand, women get mind-fucked in our society, every which way, about sex and sexuality and our role in all of it. Whether we realize it or not, we’re programmed from a very young age to believe we’re here to give pleasure.
To be sexy for men. To be a fantasy for them.
But nobody ever tells us to expect or demand equal pleasure. ”
“Huh.”
“Add to that, I was personally raised to believe sex outside of marriage is a sin.”
“You were?” He sounds shocked.
“Well, okay, or at the very least, to believe sex is only something you should do with someone you love. And boom. Mix that all together, and the result is me—a girl who can’t seem to get there without some mechanical help.”
He snickers gleefully. “Until now.”
I bite my lip. “Hopefully, that wasn’t a fluke.”
“Oh, it wasn’t a fluke. I promise you that.” Kendrick pauses for a moment. “I’m pretty sure Titus had sex with a couple girls in high school, unless he lied about that.”
“More than a couple.”
“But wasn’t he raised to think sex before marriage is a sin, too?”
“No. He’s a boy. Different rules apply, babe.”
“What? That’s totally fucked up.”
“I agree. My parents didn’t mean to screw me over or give me lifelong hang-ups.
They were just raising Titus and me the way they were raised, you know?
And that meant being extra-protective of their sweet, innocent little daughter and her ever-so-important virginity.
” I roll my eyes. “I’m partly to blame, too, because I was such a people pleaser.
Even if they’d tried to give Titus the same rules as they gave their sweet little daughter, he wouldn’t have followed them.
Titus never gave a fuck about the rules. ”
“You see yourself as a people pleaser? I’m shocked by that. Even in high school, I always got the impression you didn’t give a fuck about rules. I mean, you were a great student and all that, but you never seemed to care about being popular, or what other kids were doing or thinking.”
“I didn’t give a fuck about any of that stuff. Your impression of me was accurate. But when it comes to sex, the programming a young woman gets is powerful stuff, Kendrick. I don’t think you could possibly understand unless you’ve lived it. It messes with your head.”
We’re both quiet for a long moment as we process the conversation.
“You know,” I venture after a while. “I bet it wasn’t a coincidence I was able to come with you, and only you, for the very first time.”
“Yeah, because you finally found someone with actual skills.”
“No. I mean, yes . Of course that’s true. But I mean because you’re uniquely you in my life.”
Kendrick turns away from the road to look at me, his face lit up. “What do you mean?”
I shrug. “I was raised to believe sex is only acceptable with someone I love. Well, I love you, right? True, I’m not in love with you in a romantic sense, but I definitely love you.
So, who better to explore my sexuality with than someone I already love and trust—who’s also an objective smoke show?
Yes, your talented fingers were mostly responsible for that orgasm, but I have to think it helped my brain to completely let go for the first time because, subconsciously, there was no part of me that believed I was doing anything wrong or shameful. ”
Kendrick exhales slowly and adjusts his hands on the steering wheel again. His Adam’s apple bobs. His chest heaves. “That’s . . . an interesting theory. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.”
Another silence ensues—this one long enough to feel a bit awkward.
Finally, Kendrick asks softly, “Does that mean you’ve never loved any of your boyfriends? Or am I taking too big a leap in logic?”
My breathing hitches. I didn’t realize that’s what I just said, basically, because I didn’t fully realize it myself. But if my theory about myself is correct, then what other conclusion is there to reach?
“I think I’ve thought I was feeling love, at times,” I answer carefully. “But looking back, no, I don’t think I did, because I’ve never fully trusted anyone I’ve dated. Not the way I trust you.” I look at him. “Can a person really, truly love if they don’t fully trust?”
Kendrick looks away from the road to meet my gaze. “No. They can’t.”
My heart feels lodged in my throat. Feeling tongue-tied, I look out the windshield to gather myself.
Kendrick’s wipers are swiping back and forth at the light drizzle falling. And suddenly, I picture everyone on the patio at Reed’s party scurrying back inside to the main party room. The thought makes me smile, for some reason.
“Thank you for telling me all this personal stuff,” Kendrick says softly, drawing my gaze back to him. “It means the world to me that you trust me enough to open up like this.”
“I trust you like nobody else,” I whisper. “Totally and completely.”
“I trust you like that, too.” He shifts in his seat, and his broad chest rises and falls sharply. “I can’t believe none of your boyfriends took the time to help you reach the finish line. It boggles my mind.”
“It’s not totally their fault. I faked it with a lot of them.”
The comment draws his gaze again. “Why?”
“Sometimes, that seems like a better choice than admitting you’re defective.”
His beautiful features contort. “You’re not defective, Ruby. Not at all.”
I smile. “Yeah, I know that now, thanks to you.”
He blushes, and so do I, and silence fills the cab of Kendrick’s car again, broken only by the swiping sounds of his windshield wipers.
“I told one boyfriend the truth,” I admit. “Remember the emo piano player I was obsessed with during my third year at Northwestern?”
“No.”
“You met him twice.”
“Was he a douche?”
“Very much so, as it turned out.”
“Then I’ve probably blocked out the memory of him from sheer frustration.” Kendrick looks from the road to me. “What happened when you told him the truth?”
“At first, he was into the idea of getting me there. For all of three days. But then, he said sex with me had become ‘too much work,’ and ‘not fun, like it used to be.’ And everything unraveled from there.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“The good news is I only dated him for about two months.”
“Seems to be your outer limit.”
“That’s not true.”
“Okay, three months. Name one relationship that’s lasted longer. ”
I pause to think. But he’s right. My relationships have always started out strong, but then they fizzle out quickly.
“Okay, so I’m not good at long-term relationships.
So what? I’m still in my twenties. I’m supposed to be having fun and making tons of mistakes.
As I recall, your very first girlfriend is the only one you dated longer than a few months. ”
Kendrick exhales and practically spits out the name. “Florence.”
“I despised her.”
“I don’t blame you. She did me dirty after my injury.”
“No, I hated her from day one. Even before she dumped your ass for the crime of getting injured.”
Kendrick looks shocked. “Why?”
“Because it was obvious she only wanted Kendrick the Future NFL Player, rather than my darling Kendrick, and that pissed me off.”
“Wow,” Kendrick says softly. “I wish you’d told me.”
“Would you have listened to me?”
His chest heaves as he looks from the road to me with burning blue eyes. “If you’d been the one to tell me? Yeah. Absolutely.”
“Oh. Really?” When he nods, I press my lips together, feeling shocked.
Another silence envelops the interior of Kendrick’s car.
For a long moment, I watch his windshield wipers moving back and forth, feeling electrified for reasons I can’t figure out.
Am I feeling this way simply because that orgasm in Reed’s laundry room was so damned good?
Am I feeling high from getting the “no orgasm without robotic assistance” monkey off my back?
Or is there something else going on? Something even bigger than all that?
“Okay, Ruby,” Kendrick says. “Here’s the deal. This fling of ours? It’s going to be all about you. Getting you off. Making sure you experience everything you’ve been denied before now.”
“Kendrick, no. That’s too much pressure. Let’s just have fun and?—”
“We will. I promise. Trust me, basically being your sex therapist will be the hottest thing imaginable for me.”
“I don’t want to feel pressure, though.”
“You won’t. Please, Ruby. Don’t overthink it. Just accept that’s what we’re going to do, okay? Remember how you felt about helping me with my insomnia? That’s how I feel about this. I want to do everything in my power to show you what your body can do. Let me do this for you. It’s all I want.”
He does look pretty damned excited about this idea. And I can’t deny, I’m excited, too.
“Okay,” I say on an exhale. “But only as long it’s fun for you. And only if you promise not to make me feel pressure to perform. If I can’t get there, I can’t get there. It’s not the end of the world.”
“Pressuring you to perform is literally the opposite of what I’ll do. There’s no pressure on you, in the least. Your only job is to relax and have fun, and I promise I’ll take care of the rest.”
A ripple of excitement flashes through me. “As long as you’re into it.”
“I am.”
“When you’re not, if you feel like you’re not getting enough out of it?—”
“That’s impossible. Ruby, I tasted your pussy on my fingers and came in my pants. I think I’ll get enough out of it.”
I can’t help bursting into laughter. “That’s a fair point.”
“Glad that’s settled.” He exhales slowly. “This is gonna be incredible.”
We’ve reached his house now; the rain is pouring down.
“Now, stay put, cutie,” Kendrick coos as he parks his car in his driveway. “I’m gonna come around and carry you inside so your dress and shoes don’t get wet and dirty.”