Page 53 of Sin With Me

But then Dad died and nothing’s felt right since then.

The grief and pain of losing him hit me in random bursts. Seemingly out of nowhere and often inconvenient when it does.

It’s why there are days I can barely get out of bed or clean my apartment and other days where I feel great and can finally catch up on laundry. If it gives me emotional whiplash, no doubt it’d do the same to a partner.

I’ll never get over how he died or feel less guilty about it, but I’d like to be in a better headspace before I make another life change.

It doesn’t help that he seems to want answers from me that I can’t give him. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to discuss the elephant in the room. Even when we do, I’m hesitant to believe he’s willing to give up his lifestyle permanently.

I’m proud of the work he’s put in, and I can tell he’s trying hard.

But that’s why I think we both need to work through our personal shit before we’re in a good place for someone else.

It’s one of the things I’ve discussed with my grief counselor during my appointment yesterday. She can tell I’ve beenstruggling and when I mention Wilder and what happened between us, she doesn’t immediately agree with my take.

However, she said if I’m not ready, then I need to listen to my gut and follow it.

After Wilder’s message about wanting time apart to get over his feelings, my gut has been twisted in knots.

Feeling lost and needing fresh air, I drive to Dad’s gravesite that’s located behind the ranch hand quarters. Even though he was cremated, Mom wanted someplace special for us to visit him.

Waylon made a private garden and buried the leftover ashes we kept after spreading them on the farm he worked on for years before his accident.

There’s a memorial bench, a Cherry blossom tree, and tons of flowers. Wilder found some old tractor tires and made a decorative display with straw bales, wildflowers, and some other old farm equipment.

I appreciate how much care and love they put into it, especially now when I could use my dad’s advice more than ever.

“Hi, Daddy. I really miss you.” I kneel in front of his gravestone, feeling guilty it’s been a few weeks since I’ve been here. “Mom, Harlow, and I got through our first Thanksgiving without you. We ordered Chinese food and watched oldChristmas movies, as usual, but it wasn’t the same. Without realizing it, we ordered your favorite dish and ended up sharin’ it so it didn’t go to waste.” I smile, remembering how confused we were when our order arrived and there was extra orange chicken and rice.

I pick one of the flowers and fidget with the stem between my fingers. My gaze lowers to the ground, remorse and grief hitting me hard in the chest.

“I’ve decided to officially retire from trick riding,” I confess, wondering if he’d be disappointed in me for giving up something I love. “Still tryin’ to figure out what I wanna do at thirty-one is kinda embarrassing, but I can’t work at the lingerie shop forever. I mean…who’s gonna buy a lacy teddy from a sixty-year-old?”

I smile to myself at the thought. Lacey, the owner, is in her fifties and mostly works behind the scenes. She does all the ordering and makes the schedules on top of all the business duties. She’s nice, but I don’t see her much.

“I think I’d enjoy helping people like when I volunteered at Haven Grace. That gave me a purpose.” A veryspecificpurpose.

If Harlow’s accident hadn’t happened when it did, I would’ve continued working there until it closed down two years ago.

“But I feel like I’m running out of time to decide. I never went to college at eighteen and thinkin’ about going thirteen years later sounds so dauntin’. But I need to figure it out soon before it’s too late, and I’m stuck. I’m not myself without a passion to focus on, and I’m afraid I’ve lost my spark for anything at this point.”

Leaning back on my haunches, I look up at the sky and inhale the crisp air. Although the sun is brightly shining down on me, there’s a chilly breeze that causes my cheeks to burn.

“It sucks not gettin’ your input on this. You always gave the best advice and pep talks, and I took that for granted. I thoughtI’d always get to talk to you whenever I wanted. Now I’m stuck listenin’ to my counselor, who’s more of atough loveparent than I’m used to.”

Admittedly, maybe that’s what I need at this point.

Someone to keep me accountable so I don’t become complacent and then never go after what I want in life.

Not everything can be easy and living with that mindset will only make me stumble longer. But fuck, some days I just don’t have the mental or physical capacity to do anything more than getting out of bed.

Before I leave, I decide to tell him one more thing.

“Wilder knows, Daddy. He knows I’m the girl from the crisis hotline and he knows that I know. He keeps hintin’ at wanting to talk about it and us being more thanjust friends, but I’m scared to relive that part of my life. It was a dark time for our family. He’ll wanna know why I never said anything about it and discuss how he told me some of his deepest, darkest secrets. But more than that…” I inhale deeply, then close my eyes as I blow it out. “He wants more than I can give him right now. Even though I’m the one who’s been waitin’ this whole time, the timing is all wrong. How can I give someone my heart when it still feels like parts of it are missin’?”

I haven’t stopped crying for the past five days. Unfortunately, I can’t blame it on getting my period either.

But ever since I went to visit my dad and word vomited everything that’s been on my mind, I’ve been sad, anxious, and lost.