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holky

Riley and Logan sauntered into the living room like they owned the goddamn place, each claiming a chair without so much as a nod in my direction. Abby raised one of his giant arms in a gesture that said after you like we were at a fancy dinner party instead of in the middle of my nervous breakdown.

“Have fun, guys,” I said, turning toward my room.

Before I took two steps, Abby locked his arms around me from behind.

“Smug asshole,” he said against my ear. Then he lifted me off the floor—feet dangling, dignity in shreds—with all the effort it would’ve taken me to grab a gym bag.

“Okay.” I flailed until he set me down. “I can walk. You don’t have to manhandle me.”

Instead of answering, he gestured toward the living room again, triggering a memory from when I was little. Mom used to do that when she told me to take a time-out.

Muttering curses, I shuffled into the living room and dropped onto a loveseat, half-expecting Abby to sit on me. Instead of that, he flopped down beside me. He was gigantic, so we were jammed together, thigh-to-thigh. I had no doubt he’d physically hold me down if I tried to make a break for it.

I crossed my arms. “Fine. I’m sitting, but that doesn’t mean I’ll listen to a damn word any of you have to say.” My tone said fuck you, but inside, I was splintered and sore.

“Stop acting like a toddler,” Logan said, shaking his head.

Riley speared me with his eyes. “Why the fuck would you throw Dog out?”

“Have you lost your goddamn mind?” Logan asked. “I know you’re goofy, but I never thought you were crazy.”

I looked away and stared out the window. “You don’t know anything. Get the fuck out.”

“No.” Abby had called me smug, but his voice was smooth as silk.

Anger boiled inside me, and I glared at Logan. “I told him to stay with you because I thought you’d take care of him, not so you could barge in here and lecture me.”

“He’s not staying with me,” Logan said. “I haven’t seen him, but I’ve heard things. Do you want to tell us what’s going on? We’re on a break before playoffs, so we have plenty of time.”

“Fuck off.”

“Is good thing I can cook,” Abby said. “What should we have for dinner?”

I clamped my hands on either side of my skull until I was sure my head wouldn’t explode. “I don’t know why you’re here because I don’t want to fucking talk. My life’s a goddamn train wreck, and I’m only trying to protect Chuck.”

“From what?” Riley asked. “Holky, are you in trouble?”

I dropped my hands into my lap and tried to breathe. My chest felt crushed, and if it hadn’t been happening every other minute since Chuck left, I might’ve thought I was having a heart attack.

I looked at Riley. “Not in the way you’re thinking, but I was born in trouble. I broke things off before I destroyed him.”

“Destroyed him?” Logan tilted his head and let several beats go by. “I know you, and you’re not cruel. What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I hurt people, drive them away. Whether I made Chuck leave or not, I’d have ended up alone. I thought it was better to cut things off now before I hurt him.”

Riley gaped at me. “You think you didn’t hurt him? Dog loves you, and from what I hear, he’s devastated.”

I tried to shift positions, but Abby had me pinned, so I gave a frustrated grunt. “Don’t put words in my mouth,” I said. “I know I hurt him, but believe me, better now than later.”

“You’ve hurt yourself too.” Logan made a show of looking me over. “Have you even showered today? You’re a damn mess, and you aren’t making any sense.”

They weren’t getting it, so I spoke slowly, trying to explain things the way I would to a three-year-old. “I know I hurt Chuck, but it was either now or later. It would’ve been much worse later, so I got it over with now. Yes, I am hurt, but I would have been either way.”

Abby looked at me like I was deranged. “You sound like idiot.”

Logan’s eyes went wide, and Riley—bastard that he was—clapped a hand over his mouth. When his shoulders started shaking, I was too shocked by his reaction to even call him a fucker.

As suddenly as his laughing fit had come over him, it stopped. “Sorry,” he said. “Nervous reaction, but it’s true. You do sound like an idiot.”

“Or a lunatic.” Logan leaned forward and braced his elbows on his knees. “The fuck, Holky? You’re throwing away the best thing in your life because you’re afraid you’ll hurt him?” He scowled, like he was trying to figure out a hard puzzle. “You broke up with Dog to protect him? From you?”

I crossed my arms across my chest, hoping that might hold me together. “You’re making it sound ridiculous.”

“Because it is ridiculous,” Logan snapped. “You’re not some bad guy out to hurt Dog. You love him, and it’s changed both of you for the better. We’ve all seen it. So don’t sit there and give us a load of bullshit about how you’re trying to protect him, because I don’t think that’s true. You’re trying to protect yourself .”

I flinched so hard Abby grunted. He created a little more space on the loveseat, but I still didn’t have room to squirm. Wondering if I was giving away more than I should, I said, “I’m scared.”

“You think being afraid means you’re dangerous?” Riley’s voice was uncharacteristically gentle. “I hate to break it to you, bud, but everybody’s afraid of fucking things up, especially in a relationship. I’d be worried if you weren’t afraid.”

“Seriously,” Logan added. “You think we don’t all have ghosts? Remember the shitshow that went down with Gabe and Brody? Fuck almighty, what about Harpy and Luca? Or me, when Davey and I split? I messed up so badly I spent a year convinced I didn’t deserve to be with anyone.”

I would have banged my head against a wall if Abby hadn’t had me trapped. They weren’t fucking getting it, didn’t understand they were talking to a guy who’d spent his life bracing for the moment people left.

I buried my face in my hands and croaked out, “You don’t know what it’s like inside my head.”

“No,” Riley said, “but I live inside mine. It’s not exactly a beach resort.”

“You love Dog?” Abby asked.

I dropped my hands and stared at the coffee table, afraid if I spoke, I might break. “So much I don’t know how I’ll live without him.”

“Then stop treating him like he’s breakable,” Riley said. “He’s Mad Dog, and in case you haven’t noticed, the name fits.”

I raised my head, and Logan offered a hint of a smile. “He can take care of himself, Holky. He doesn’t need you to fall on a sword for him. He needs you to be real, and you do too.”

Abby bumped me again. “Is your chance, Holky. You’re in third period of your own love story, down one goal, five minutes to tie it up. What will you do?”

I squeezed my eyes shut and saw the same goddamn thing that had been haunting me since last night—Chuck’s face when I told him we were over. He’d slumped like I’d yanked the ground out from under him, and he looked a hundred years old when he left.

I did that to him.

It was time to admit Logan was right. I didn’t end things to save Chuck; I did it to protect myself. Then I dressed it up as a noble sacrifice and told myself letting him go was brave and selfless. Not by a long shot.

I’d been afraid he’d leave me first, and I still was. The fear hadn’t gone anywhere. It had been welded into me since the day my mom walked out and never looked back.

But that wasn’t Chuck. He never put himself ahead of me. He’d never ignored me or made me feel small and unworthy. Even when I pushed him away, he didn’t yell or call me names. Although I’d hurt him terribly, he still looked at me like I mattered.

Maybe that’s the difference. My parents checked out without a second thought, but not Chuck. He would have probably still been fighting for me if I hadn’t practically walked him to the door.

“What the fuck did I do? You should’ve seen how he looked when he left.” My voice was hollow, not because I wasn’t feeling things, but because I was feeling too much.

Abby shifted. “You can fix it. Dog loves you.”

I raised my head and looked at him. “I’ve messed everything up. He probably won’t even talk to me.”

“Why not find out?” Logan asked. “I think you’re wrong, but if he won’t talk now, wait until he will. He’s not the only one who’s stubborn.”

Riley scooted forward. “Logan’s right. Don’t sit here thinking the worst. You made a mistake, but you’re lucky because you made it with someone who loves you. It doesn’t have to be permanent.”

I nodded. Sadly, knowing I’d screwed up didn’t mean I knew how to fix it. What if I went charging back in and said the wrong thing? Could I hurt Chuck more and ruin whatever sliver of hope might still exist?

“I need time,” I said. “Instead of being my usual impulsive, fuck-up self, I’ve got to figure out how to approach this without making it worse.”

“That’s fair,” Logan said, “but don’t wait long. These things don’t improve over time.”

Riley nodded. “We’ve got you, Holky. Don’t get stuck in your head.”

Abby slapped my shoulder hard enough to make me grunt. “Don’t be dumbass. Enough of being idiot.”

I tried to laugh, but it may have sounded more like a sob. “No promises.”