Page 12

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holky

I’d been pacing in my room for fifteen minutes, wearing a path in the carpet and ignoring the perfectly made bed where I was supposed to be napping. Every time I got close to lying down, my chest tightened, and I sprang back to my feet like the mattress had a deflector shield. There was a storm in my chest—restless energy that made it impossible to sit still, much less sleep. I told myself it was nerves about the game, but that was bullshit.

I opened my door, then closed it again. Opened it. Closed it. By the fifth time, I was afraid I might rip the damn thing off its hinges, so I forced myself into the hallway. The overhead lights buzzed softly, and everything felt too still, like the hotel was holding its breath.

I crept down to Dog’s door, then waited like the coward I’d become. Who the fuck knew what I was doing? I sure as hell didn’t. The one thing I was certain of was that I didn’t want to be alone. Being near Dog was starting to mess with my head. It wasn’t only his smile, the way he looked when he laughed, or even how good he’d felt curled against me. Everything built into a pull I couldn’t resist, and the tension tightened every time we saw each other.

He was comfort and heat, wrapped in one infuriating, irresistible package. I’d made up my mind not to run from it, but damn if I could figure out how to run toward it. I had no idea how to stop this, which was fine because I didn’t want to stop it.

My heart hammered as I stared at his door. This is fucking dumb with everyone so close. Yet I raised my fist, and with the same explosive energy I used to rip slapshots, I knocked—three quick taps—then nearly bolted back to my room before he answered.

He opened the door slowly, hair a mess, dressed in nothing but boxer briefs again. My brain went offline while I stared at him, fighting for air and hoping like hell he couldn’t tell I was seconds from combusting.

“Holky.” His voice was low and rough, and I nearly fucking melted. His eyes widened slightly, then narrowed. His chest rose and fell a little too fast while his fingers flexed at his sides.

By some miracle, I managed to speak. “Hey, bud. My room’s cold. Mind if I nap in here?” The words sounded casual, like this was the most normal thing in the world instead of the craziest fucking thing I’d ever done.

He hesitated for a half-second, long enough to make my stomach twist, and then stepped aside to let me in. “Yeah. Sure.”

I followed him to the bed with my heart hammering so hard I was afraid he could hear it.

He turned toward me. “I’m surprised to see you. Didn’t expect to.”

“You didn’t?” Afraid I might collapse, I lowered myself onto the edge of the bed. Hadn’t he been thinking about me and what might happen? It had been whirling around in my mind every minute of the last twenty-four hours. Wasn’t he as wrecked over it as I was?

“No,” he said. “I thought we were… I don’t know. I’m confused. Weren’t you pissed off this morning because of what happened yesterday?”

“No. Were you?”

Instead of answering, he turned toward the window.

Good luck with that, I thought. The snow piling on the glass wouldn’t give him any answers.

His shoulders rose and fell with quick breaths that looked too shallow to do him any good. The snow on the glass was relentless, thick flakes sticking and swirling as if they were trying to bury the whole city.

“Fuck,” he said, spinning back to face me. His eyes were bright and restless. “I don’t know what the hell is happening. I’ve never felt like this before, never even thought about doing anything with a guy. And now…”

“Now what?” I asked.

He rubbed the back of his neck too hard. Was he trying to scrub away his unease? “Now all this shit is running through my head, and it won’t stop. I feel something with you. I don’t know what to call it, but it’s real, and it’s big, and it’s confusing me in ways I didn’t know were possible.”

My chest ached, but I didn’t know what to say that might calm him.

He huffed loudly. “If I do what I want to, there will be no going back. What will happen then? What if it fucks up the only good thing I’ve had in a long time? I just found you, and I don’t want to lose our friendship.” He gave me a pleading look. “I don’t want to lose you. ”

I stepped closer, still unsure of how to respond, but knowing I had to. Before I could talk myself out of it, I rested my hands on his arms. He flinched but didn’t pull away.

“I’m afraid too.” My voice was small and shaky, but at least the words came out. “I’ve never done anything with a guy either, but that isn’t why I’m scared. Look how happy Gabe and Brody are. Hell, they are so fucking far beyond happy. They’re content . I can’t imagine how it would feel to have that with someone, because I’ve never come close.”

Dog’s body was shaking, and he swallowed hard. “Same.”

I should have shut up, but I couldn’t. “I’ve never known how to handle others emotionally. In our fucked-up society, people expect men to be that way with each other, but for me, it’s been even harder with women. I think I’ve played Holky the Womanizer for the guys because I want them to think I’ve got it all figured out. I don’t want pitying looks when they think I’m not paying attention, or half-hearted invites for holiday dinners because they feel bad for me. I don’t want them thinking I’m lonely, but I am .”

His brow creased. “Are you?”

“Hell yes. I live alone, my friends are all loved up, and I pick up women mostly to prove I can. At least I’ll have someone for the night. But hooking up has never felt right, not really. I’m tired of it. So yes, I’m lonely.”

He nodded. “I can relate. A lot of what you said describes my life too.”

The moment stretched between us. If I said what I was thinking, I’d be stepping so far out on a limb it might snap underneath me. Still, I went for it because it was apparently time for true confessions. “When you came running into the locker room like a maniac and poured coffee all over me, I?—”

“Spilled. I didn’t pour it on you.” The glint of humor in his eyes gave me the courage to go on.

“Whatever. The point is, you walked in, and I felt different, like maybe things were about to get better. Yesterday, I felt something else. I wanted you. I don’t know what that means, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like I’m missing something, and you might be the key to helping me figure it out. I like you so much, and I… Fuck, Dog. I want you. ”

“You know I’ve been feeling it too.”

“Yeah.” I took a deep breath. “There’s only one way to figure out what it all means.”

“True, but maybe we shouldn’t rush it. We don’t have to do anything today. Let’s hang out this week and keep getting to know each other. If we get our friendship on solid ground, maybe we’ll be safer.”

He gazed at the wall, but I could tell he wasn’t looking at the wallpaper. He was somewhere else, lost in what-ifs that obviously scared the shit out of him.

He spoke again, and his voice was softer. “Hell, maybe we’ll even decide it was all a dumb idea. That’s a possibility, right?” There was something raw in his expression, like he was begging himself to listen to his own words.

“If we end up doing something,” he went on, “it won’t be because we’re trying to scratch an itch. That’s what we’re both sick of, isn’t it?” He gave a helpless shrug, trying for casual but not pulling it off. “If we’re already friends, and it turns out this thing between us isn’t what we need, maybe we can still walk away with our friendship intact.”

Who knows what I’d expected when I came to Dog’s room, but it wasn’t a deep discussion. A hug, maybe. Jumping into bed? Or even a fight, since I’d been a total jerk earlier.

I was suspicious by nature, but although I’d rarely heard something and known immediately it was right, this made sense. “You’re right,” I said. “We shouldn’t be in a hurry because I need a friend, and I want it to be you.”

“Me too.” He glanced at the clock beside his bed, and I expected him to tell me to go back to my room. Instead, he gave me a smile that knocked me back on my heels. “It’s about three. Let’s lie down and rest for an hour.”

I blinked at him. “In here, you mean? Me in here?”

“Yes. I haven’t slept as well as I did yesterday for a long time, so let’s do it again.”

My heart thrummed, but I couldn’t tell if it was because of nerves or excitement. “Okay.”

He crawled under the covers and scooted to the far side of the bed. When I didn’t move, he patted the mattress beside him. “Come on. I won’t bite.”

I snorted. “Sure about that? Your name is Dog.”

“Yeah, yeah. Get in here.”

I was afraid of pushing my luck, but I couldn’t sleep with clothes on. “Mind if I take my shirt off?”

“Take off anything you want.” When I didn’t move, he said, “Do it already. If I’m considering having sex with a guy, I deserve a little eye candy.”

The devil was loose, so I raised an eyebrow. “What if I’m going commando?”

He snorted. “That’s bullshit. If you were hanging loose, I’d already know. Those gym shorts don’t hide anything.”

I laughed and started dancing around, giving him an exaggerated striptease. Between sultry looks, I played with my shirt, pulling it up and then lowering it again, finally slow-rolling it off. Before I eased out of my shorts, I sucked my finger and blew him a kiss.

He hooted and howled like we were at a damn club, and when I slid under the covers, he gave me a snarky smile. “Still need to teach you how to dance. You were worse today than before.”

“Fuck off. You loved it.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

I turned on my side, facing him, and our eyes locked. After a long moment, he gave me a look. “Want to cuddle?”

I barked out a laugh. “Man, that sounds so fucking weird coming from somebody with a deep voice and two-day scruff.”

“No weirder than it feels saying it to someone with hairy legs and angles everywhere I’m used to seeing curves.”

That cracked me up, and I launched myself at him. We laughed as we rolled around in the most halfhearted wrestling match I’d ever been part of. Eventually, I was on top of him and had his hands pinned beside his head. Everything went quiet. I couldn’t keep my eyes away from his mouth, and when he licked his lips, I wanted to kiss him so much I could already feel the ghost of it.

But not yet. I let his hands go, rolled off to the side, and threw an arm over his pillow.

He snuggled close and laid his head on my shoulder. “This feels good.”

I couldn’t help thinking this was how we’d end up after we fucked. If we ever fucked, and I was a long way from being ready for that. I draped my free arm across his abs and pulled him as close as I could. “Sure as hell does. I like holding you.”

Fuck. Is this a conversation you have if you’re going to wait?

His warm breath stirred against my neck as he said, “You’re forgetting something, though.”

“What?”

“Your leg on mine, like yesterday.”

I hesitated for a beat, then slid my leg over his. The contact was simple—hair brushing hair, skin pressing skin—but the effect hit like a live wire. A slow spark lit in my gut and pulsed outward, chasing through my chest and up my spine. I stiffened in more ways than one as blood rushed south. My throat tightened because the feelings were overwhelming. There was heat, sure, but also a weightless ache, like I was floating too close to something I wasn’t supposed to want but couldn’t stop reaching for.

“I think I can sleep now,” he said.

“Me too.”

I watched him as his breathing slowed. My heart thudded under his cheek, and when I was drifting away, one last thought clamored for my attention.

We are in trouble.