Page 25 of Shadow Boxed (Shadow Warriors #2)

O’Neill’s eyebrows climbed higher with each word. “Would knowing this help with…” Furrows dug into his forehead. “Whatever you’re feeling?”

Good question. “Probably not.” She sighed. “I’m not even sure what I am feeling.”

Although that wasn’t quite true. She recognized anxiety. And fear. But the emotions weren’t connected to the end of the world. They were more specific. They were connected to O’Neill. It was fear for his safety. And anxiety over the danger he was walking into.

Anything could happen to him out there and steal him from the waking world, steal him from Gracie.

“Is this mission connected to the wanatesa weapon Wolf spoke of?” The last time the Shadow Mountain warriors had gone after one of the nanobot bombs, her family had faced catastrophic consequences.

Her throat burned as Daniel’s smiling face filled her mind. Her beautiful baby boy, taken from her by the same people who’d created that horrible weapon.

O’Neill hesitated, as if considering how much to tell her.

“If Wolf told you of this weapon and it’s disastrous effects, then you know how critical it is that we…acquire it…and lock it down,” he said, without admitting anything.

The bell chimed, the elevator stopped, and the doors opened. She sighed and nodded, following him into the hallway.

“I get it, but you better return, Angus.” His step caught and he turned to look at her.

Surprise flickered across his face. She wasn’t sure it was because of the nickname she’d used, one that had once been a joke between them, or whether it was because of her demand.

She ignored his reaction and continued talking.

“If you die on me, I’ll follow you to the land of your ancestors and drag you back to the waking world.

Gracie is already attached to you. I don’t want to have to tell her you died. ”

Her breath hitched at the memory of telling her daughter about Daniel’s death. The cold she’d felt back then returned. It chilled her innards, extinguishing the faint warmth coming from O’Neill’s body.

Gracie had absorbed the news with stillness, with a blank face and empty eyes. With resignation.

“I already know, Mom. I felt him leave,” she’d said, her voice as empty as her eyes.

Was that when this emotional chasm had deepened between them? Did Gracie blame her for Daniel’s death?

O’Neill didn’t respond to her theatrical threat, but then what could he say? He couldn’t promise to survive this mission. Other than the Shadow Warrior himself, no one could promise her that.

Their footsteps echoed along the metallic walls as they walked down the corridor, doors stretching to either side.

“How is Gracie?” O’Neill asked as he stopped in front of one of the doors and pressed his thumb to the security panel.

“She’s upset.” Muriel didn’t sugar coat it. Maybe if he understood how his daughter was already counting on him, he’d be extra careful during this upcoming mission. “She was hoping you’d return after you answered the text to start the self-defense lessons.”

“This is the first time I’ve been free since then.” His voice was pragmatic rather than apologetic. The security panel turned green, and he pushed the door open. Stepping inside the dark room, he turned on the lights and held the door open with his back.

“Does she know what we’re facing?”

He was close enough, his scent enveloped her as she brushed past him.

Not cologne, just the smell of soap and fresh laundry, with something earthier beneath, like spring rain and pine.

She must be imagining that. Why would he smell of rain and pine when they were in the middle of a mountain?

She caught herself before huffing him in like an eseneee sniffing glue.

What had he asked her? Oh yeah. “I explained why you were called away, but she doesn’t appear to believe the situation is that serious. Like most youths, she thinks the world is invincible.

As she walked deeper into his quarters, he stepped away from the door, letting it swing shut. The click as it latched sounded as loud as a gunshot in the silence surrounding them. A sense of intimacy prickled at her.

The last time they’d been alone...together...had resulted in the birth of the twins. Which wasn’t something she felt comfortable remembering with him standing so close behind her. She looked around for distraction.

His apartment was smaller than the one Wolf had given her and Oliva.

The combined living and dining space was a quarter the size of their apartment.

His galley kitchen looked unused. Even the coffee maker on the tiny counter sported a thin layer of dust. A stiff-looking couch was shoved against the far wall and a sturdy table sat next to the counter.

The walls were bare. Lacking even the subtle warmth of a cheap motel.

“She cannot afford to close her eyes to what’s happening.

” O’Neill’s voice broke into her assessment of his living room.

“The moment she was chosen by the Ho'cee, she ceased being a youth.” He hesitated.

“If she is right. If she was chosen to join the warrior ways, these are things she will need to consider.”

He was right. Muriel tried to ignore that fact. She focused on his walls instead—the lack of pictures, or knickknacks, or anything that gave the place a personality. “Didn’t you say you’ve been with Shadow Mountain a year?”

“Close enough to that.” His voice was noncommittal as he followed her farther into the living area.

This place was obviously a temporary shelter for him. Had he simply not put down roots yet, or were his roots elsewhere? Was he planning to return to them once he saved Hokalita ? Where did that leave their daughter?

“What are your plans after the wanatesa threat is neutralized? Will you stay at Shadow Mountain or return to where you disappeared twenty cycles ago?” she asked, swinging around to face him.

“I don’t know.” He held her gaze. “But wherever I end up, Gracie will always be a part of my life.”

That was good to hear, but a lump formed in her throat.

One that tasted like loneliness and loss.

He hadn’t mentioned her. He’d said nothing about making room for her.

It shouldn’t surprise her. He was a stranger now.

Twenty cycles of life separated them. Besides, she’d been nothing to him back in high school either.

Nothing beyond his enemy’s sister. Someone to fuck and bail on.

She turned away, afraid he’d see the pain on her face. His disinterest in her was for the best. He’d already proven she couldn’t trust him with her heart. It would be foolish to throw it at him again and hope for a different outcome.

“What was it you wanted to talk about that required privacy?” she asked.

“I wanted to apologize.” His voice was quietly sincere. “If I’d known you were pregnant.... if I’d known you were looking for me...I’d have contacted you. I’d have offered support.”

What kind of support would he have offered? Emotional? Physical? Financial? Would he have mated her and helped raise their anvaat? Or would he have given her money and left again?

She suspected the latter.

Anger started simmering. His patience and kindness to Gracie had stifled much of that earlier rage, as had the realization that Gracie wanted a relationship with him. Which meant she would have to interact with him also. Anger would not make that easy.

But that old resentment and confusion were difficult to suppress. She’d thought they were developing something...something special...something that could endure. She’d even decided to tell Samuel and Wolf that she was in love with him. And then he’d vanished, proving he’d never cared about her.

Had he pursued her as retribution against Wolf and Samuel? But then why hadn’t he told them he’d been her first? He hadn’t tried to humiliate her. He’d just left.

Had he left because she hadn’t believed his heschrmal claiming? Had he felt betrayed? He’d told Gracie his leaving had nothing to do with Muriel, but that look in his eyes...the pain...the betrayal...it still haunted her all these cycles later.

“Why did you really leave the Brenahiilo ? Was it because I didn’t believe your heschrmal claiming?” Even to her own ears, the question sounded haunted.

“No. I didn’t leave because of that.” The rustling of cloth came from behind her. “I left because the Shadow Warrior, in his infinite wisdom, unleashed his spirit gift upon me.”

The sarcasm in his voice was biting. She turned to face him. “I don’t understand. Why would that force you to leave?”

Spirit gifts were rarely shared unless one had a gift that required sharing.

Like Wolf with his warning gift, or Kait with her ability to heal.

Or even Olivia’s ability to see spirit mates.

Although Muriel questioned the accuracy of her brother’s le'ven'a after that absurd claim that Muriel and O’Neill were fated mates.

But most gifts were held close and silent. She still didn’t know what Samuel’s or Daniel’s gifts were, even though they were close kin. Nor did she expect O’Neill to tell her his. Not when they were nothing more than strangers now.”

“Turns out I was blessed with the ability to look into another’s mind.” His voice was empty of emotion now. But she could sense the anger in him. “If I touch someone, I can see what they are thinking. Feel what they are feeling.”

Muriel stared back, searching his face. Her gaze dropped to the nerve ticking in his cheek, and then down to his clenched jaw.

“I sense your anger at this gifting.” She acknowledged slowly.

“But I don’t understand it. Doesn’t such a gift make questioning the enemy easier?

Doesn’t it give you answers the enemy would withhold?

Surely this is why the Shadow Warrior gifted you this talent. ”

O’Neill scoffed. His eyes were glowing again, gleaming with green fire.

“Easier? For a warrior, sure. During interrogations, sure. But that’s not how it first manifested.

Instead, it manifested with you. As we were.

..as I touched you...I saw into your thoughts.

And it became clear that I was not the one you were thinking of.

I was not the one you wanted touching you.

” His face hardened, his eyes turning grim.

“You didn’t want me as your first lover. You wanted Wolf.”

He bit the name out like a curse.