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ARELLA

It’s been a month since Caleb agreed to make spending time together a priority. This is our second date night since, which is more than what we’ve had in the past six months.

Tonight’s date night feels as bland as the last one. During dinner, neither of us could stay focused on the conversation. The silences between us felt awkward, and the way he kept staring off into the distance bothered me.

I wasn’t much better. My mind kept wandering toward a man with dark hair and a sadness in his eyes that’s been haunting me since the moment he stormed off and left for the airport.

I thought that after four weeks, I’d be able to forget about the way I saw his soul die when I said I wasn’t coming back.

I haven’t forgotten. I also haven’t forgotten about how for the rest of that evening, Trey got lost in his own thoughts and barely heard anything I said.

I wanted to take it all back and ask him to whisk me away with him as if Caleb had never existed.

But Caleb does exist, and now we’re on our couch, watching a movie.

Correction: Caleb is snoozing like he has been for the last twenty minutes. I’m staring blankly at the movie we were supposed to watch together, wondering what the heck I’m doing.

Why am I forcing my husband to spend time with me when he clearly doesn’t want to? Why am I putting so much effort into fixing something I’m not even sure can be fixed? I have no idea why we fell apart or why he’s been so distant, but I can’t live like this anymore.

I told myself after leaving Nathan that I’d never subject myself to another relationship where I was abused or felt unwanted. Caleb wouldn’t lay a finger on me that way, but I don’t feel wanted by him either. Lately, I’ve also been questioning what I want.

I spend more time thinking about Trey than I do thinking about Caleb. I spend more time wishing Caleb was Trey than I do wishing this marriage will work. Caleb and I still have yet to have sex again, and even if we did, I’d probably imagine he’s Trey the whole time.

What am I doing? This marriage is over, and now that I think about it, it’s been over for a while—long before I even saw Trey at our tree.

Before I can talk myself out of it, I shake Caleb’s arm.

He startles awake and upright. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

My heart thrashes in my chest—in a good way. “I need to talk to you about something.”

He rubs his eyes, then straightens his back. “Okay?”

I try not to think about how this is going to hurt him. If I think about it too much, I’ll chicken out. Yes, this is going to burn, but it’s for the best. Our relationship isn’t healthy anymore. I don’t think Caleb has the courage to leave me, which means I have to be the one to leave him.

I suck in a deep breath, then let the words out. “I’m in love with someone else.”

Caleb’s body freezes. “What?”

“I said, I’m in love with someone else.”

I expect him to freak out and ask me who. Instead, he says, “Me too.”

“What?”

“I said, me too.” From the way his face remains impassive, I don’t question the validity of those two little words.

“Who are you in love with?”

“Rakesh.” He stares at me for my reaction.

“But he’s—oh...” It all clicks together: Caleb’s late nights out with Rakesh. His lack of physical intimacy with me. His eagerness to drop me to be with Rakesh. It all makes sense now. “Is Rakesh gay too?”

“Yes.”

“Does he also have feelings for you?”

“Yes.”

“Have you guys . . . um, done stuff?”

Caleb sighs and picks up the TV remote, then turns the movie off. The room goes silent as he stands to flip the light on. When he returns to the couch, he folds his hands together in his lap. “How much do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.” This is why I don’t think he’d have the courage to leave me. He’s too nonconfrontational for that.

I give him a firm nod. “I’m sure, Caleb. Just tell me everything.”

He stares at his hands, trying to figure out how to start.

“Um, it wasn’t until after our wedding when I began developing feelings for him.

I always chalked it up to how close of friends we are.

Eventually, I couldn’t ignore the feelings anymore.

The more time I spent with him, the more I didn’t want to leave him.

The more I saw him shirtless at the gym, the more I wanted to touch him.

“It scared me at first because I’ve never looked at a man like that before. I also didn’t know he was gay, so I suppressed my urges. I told myself I was just being ridiculous. I mean, I was already married to a woman, and he was my best friend, who I assumed was straight.

“As time went on, it got harder to suppress my urges. It also got harder for me to be with you because the idea of touching a woman just didn’t appeal to me anymore. That’s why I pulled away, and I’m sorry for that. You’ve been trying so hard to make this work, and I’ve been an asshole.”

I lean in to him and lower my voice. “Caleb, you could have told me. You know how I feel about stuff like this.”

“I was scared though. When I finally admitted to myself that I’m gay, I spent months keeping it to myself.”

“When did you finally tell Rakesh?”

“When his grandma died. You remember how I went over to his apartment that night? I found him crying, so I gave him a hug that was meant to be consoling, but once our bodies connected like that, it was like something sparked between us. The next thing I know, we’re making out in his kitchen.”

In any other situation, I might feel betrayed to find out that my husband kissed someone else, but all I feel is happiness for Caleb. That kiss was a long time coming for him and Rakesh. It must have been a huge relief.

“Rakesh has known he’s gay since middle school, but he never explored it because his very traditional Indian family won’t accept it.

He never came out to his friends either, because with his siblings at the same school, he didn’t want it to get back to his parents.

As for me, he’s the only person I’ve told. And now you.”

I place a gentle hand over his forearm. “I’m really glad you told me. That was really brave of you.”

“Brave? No, Ari. I’ve been a coward. You’re an amazing wife to me. You’re everything a man wishes for in a woman. You’re caring, loving, attentive, and you’re an amazing cook. You deserve better than this. I should have told you much sooner, but I was too afraid of hurting you.”

Obviously, I wasn’t that attentive, because I missed seeing that my husband is gay. “Hurting me is better than killing yourself on the inside for being untrue to who you are.”

He lets out a breath as he rubs his sweaty palms off on his pants. “Jeez, you’re taking this way better than I thought you would. I suppose whoever you’re in love with has something to do with that.”

“A little.”

“Can I guess who it is?”

Caleb is never going to get it right, so I say, “Sure.”

“It’s that Trey guy, isn’t it?”

“What? How did you know?”

“You didn’t see the way he looked at you, Ari. I mean, maybe you did, but you don’t remember it. That man looked at you like you were his entire reason for existing.”

I wish I could see the way Trey looks at me from the outside. If it’s anything like the way Gramps looks at Grammy, then I’m making the right decision.

Caleb continues, “I still don’t know what happened that day you acted like you knew him and tried to kick me out of our apartment.

What I do know is that you looked at him like you loved him.

At the time, I was freaked out by it, but I also loved you so much that I just wanted to forget it ever happened. ”

“I think I’m supposed to be with him.”

“I think you are too, and despite how weird this may sound, I think you were with him before.” Caleb stands and waves for me to join him. “Come on. I need to give you something.”

I follow him into the bedroom, where he stops at his nightstand. He pulls out the second drawer, then grabs a little black box that used to hold a watch. He flips open the lid, then pulls out a shiny diamond necklace with gold angel wings.

He drops it into my open palm. “Read the back.”

I gasp as I stare at the engraving. Paris? T.G. “Where did you get this?”

Caleb snaps the old watch box shut, then tosses it back into his drawer. “Do you remember the day of your surgery, when the nurses in the pre-op room asked you to change into a hospital gown?”

“Yeah?”

“After you changed, the nurses handed me a bag with all your clothes and personal belongings to hang on to. When you got out of surgery, I pulled your clothes out for you and found this necklace. I meant to give it to one of the nurses, thinking they must have accidentally put someone else’s jewelry into your bag, but I forgot to.

“Later, we got home and were eating burgers when Trey showed up. The second he said his name, I thought about the initials on the back of this necklace and found it strange that some guy appeared at our door with the same initials as what’s engraved onto a necklace that appeared in your personal-belongings bag from the hospital. ”

I run my thumb over the diamond. This is the same necklace I wore in that picture I gave back to Trey. It’s also the same necklace I keep seeing in my dreams. How did this end up in my bag from the hospital?

“Why didn’t you give this to me a long time ago?” I ask.

“Because I was weirded out by it. I mean, seriously, Ari? The whole situation is a little freaky, don’t you think?”

It felt freakier to me three years ago. Thanks to my dreams, now I have a better grasp on the full picture. While it’s still a little weird, I’ve accepted it.

“What do we do now?” Caleb asks.

“Now,” I say, “we move forward.”

Trey’s been listening to me tell my story without a single interruption.

“After I told him that I’m supposed to be with you, he agreed, then said he needed to give me something. From his drawer, he pulled out this.” I drag the necklace out of my pocket.