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ARELLA

“Caleb . . .”

“What?” He glances up at me from across our little kitchen table. He’s got his phone in one hand and a fork in the other.

“Remember what we talked about on Monday?”

He thinks, then sets his phone down. “Right. Sorry.”

I took Trey’s advice and talked to Caleb about being more intentional about spending time together and staying off his phone. Caleb agreed, and tonight, we’re having a date night. Unfortunately, it’s a Sunday, but this was the only night Caleb could take off work.

Around this time, I’m usually on my way to see Trey. I hope he’s not sitting under our tree right now, waiting for me. I wish I had a way of telling him that I’m not coming. I don’t have his phone number or email, and neither of us use social media.

With my fork, I push some of the rice around on my plate. I need to get Trey out of my head so I can think of something to talk about with Caleb. “How was your workout today?”

“Fine.” He takes a bite of his rice and beans, barely even looking at me.

“What do you want to do for date night?”

“Whatever you want.”

I thought I asked him to plan something for us, but I suppose I can do it at the last minute. “Would you rather stay in or go out?”

“Either.” He stares blankly at his water glass as he takes another bite of his dinner.

I set my fork onto my plate. “Caleb?”

“What?”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

That’s a lie. He’s more distant tonight than most nights. “You’re barely even looking at me.”

“I’m just stressed about work. That’s all.” He says it so nonchalantly, I almost believe him. Even if his stress was only about work, it still doesn’t make it okay that he’s letting it affect our relationship.

We haven’t been actively trying to have a baby for four months. Correction: He hasn’t been actively trying. I’ve been actively getting rejected. It takes two for this baby thing to happen.

“I’m ovulating?” I meant for that to sound sexy, but it comes out more like a question.

“Sorry, muffin. I’m not feeling it tonight.”

“You haven’t felt it for four months.”

“It’s hard to feel it when I’m stressed out.”

I’m beginning to think this stress thing is just an excuse. I get stressed out at work too, but I don’t allow it to affect my sex drive. All he has to do is walk laps around a closed museum at night. What’s so stressful about that?

Maybe he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. I’ve gained a few pounds since we met. I wouldn’t say I’m big, but I’ve definitely filled out. Is that it?

“Do you want to talk about what’s going on at work?” I ask.

He finishes eating the last bite of his dinner. “Not really. I don’t want to put that burden on you.”

But you are—indirectly. “Do you want to cancel date night?”

“We haven’t had one for a while, so we should have it.”

We should have it. He sees this as something we should do, not something he wants to do. I’m beginning to question if this date-night thing is something I want anymore.

Caleb stands and brings his dirty plate to the sink. I push my half-eaten food away because suddenly, I’m not hungry anymore.

After the kitchen is cleaned up, Caleb and I sit on the couch to pick out a movie together. By that, I mean it’s him scrolling through movie options in four different streaming services before finally deciding on something.

We are three streaming services in when Caleb’s phone vibrates on the coffee table. I don’t have to look to know it’s Rakesh calling.

Caleb doesn’t hesitate to pick up his phone. “Hey.”

The phone is loud enough that everything Rakesh says goes straight into my ears. “It finally happened, man.”

“What?” Caleb tosses the TV remote onto the coffee table. “Just now?”

“Yeah. I just got off the phone with my brother. He was with her when it happened.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Rakesh says through a sniffle. “She’s not in pain anymore, I guess.”

“Do you need anything?”

“Could you come over? I’d really like some support right now.”

“I’ll be right over.” Caleb ends the call, then turns to me. “Rakesh’s grandma just died.”

I’ve never met Rakesh’s grandma, so I pretend to sound like I care. “What happened?”

“She’s been in hospice for the past few weeks.”

News to me.

“Her colon cancer got really bad.”

I didn’t even know she had cancer. Honestly, I didn’t even know Rakesh had a grandma.

“Are you cool with me going over to see him?”

“Of course.” It’s not like I can say no. He already told Rakesh he was coming.

Within seconds, Caleb has his shoes on. As he grabs his keys, he says, “Don’t wait up for me.” Then he’s gone.

As his car engine rumbles to life, my heart sinks. He didn’t even say bye or give me a kiss before he left. Just “don’t wait up” as if he plans to be out all night. Does he?

I suppose it wouldn’t be out of the norm. Lately, Caleb has been having game nights with Rakesh and a few other friends. On those evenings, he usually doesn’t return home until almost two in the morning.

I press a button on the remote, and the TV goes black. Then I’m left alone in a dark living room, questioning all my life decisions. Being alone was not part of my plan tonight. I pictured this evening filled with fun and laughter. I even hoped for some baby making.

Now I’m not even sure if I want a child with Caleb anymore.

If this is how he’s going to act when we don’t have kids, how is he going to act when we do have them?

Will he be an absent father? Will he leave me to take care of them every night while he goes out with his friends?

Will he even look at our children when they talk to him, or will he just scroll through his phone?

Caleb hasn’t been physically present in our relationship for four months. Now that I think about it, he hasn’t been mentally present for even longer. Is this how it’s going to be for the rest of our lives? I can’t live like this.

Within seconds, I’ve got my shoes on and I’m out the door.