Page 48

I didn’t know she thinks of it as our tree.

The idea makes me want to smile and sob at the same time.

“I’m glad you didn’t tell him. You don’t need to give him a reason to not want you.

He seems to have enough reasons already, and he doesn’t need another.

Whatever it is that fell apart between you two, I hope you two can fix it and move on to be happy together. ”

“What about you? Where are you going to find your happiness?”

I keep putting one foot in front of the other as I think about my answer.

“I already have. I’ve got nine weeks of it to replay in my head whenever I feel down.

Every Sunday, when I’m back at our tree, I’ll just imagine that you’re there with your little questions box.

I’ll answer the cards and imagine that I made you laugh so much that you slap your knee like you sometimes do. It’ll be great.”

She shakes her head, giving me a sorrowful look. “That doesn’t sound great to me.”

That’s because it’s not ideal, and it actually fucking sucks. “Well, that’s all I’ve got, so...”

“You’ll find someone someday.”

“I don’t want anyone else.”

“What if there’s someone out there who could make you as happy as I do? What if you’re missing out on her because you’re refusing to let anyone else in?”

I let out a scoff. “I’m done letting people in, but I appreciate that you care enough to—I dunno. Whatever it is you’re trying to do.”

“I’m trying to encourage you to move forward.”

“I will.” Begrudgingly, but I will. “It just won’t include some random chick who won’t make me feel even half as whole as you do. Besides, I’m fine with being alone. I’ve done it my whole life, so don’t worry about me. I’m more concerned about your happiness than mine anyway.”

“Why?”

Because you’re the one who’s running back to a man who doesn’t love you.

I don’t say that. The last thing I want is to start a conversation about how I’m right for her and he isn’t.

It’ll make things tense between us again, and I’d rather end this evening on a good note.

“Let’s just say that if you ever find yourself in a place where you feel like something’s missing again, you know where to find me on Sunday nights. ”

She’s quiet after that. I hope it’s because I made her think about the possibility that she’s making a mistake. Maybe the more she thinks about it, the more she’ll convince herself to leave him. A man can hope.

When we return to our tree, Arella picks up her purse and slides it over her shoulder. Then she locks her eyes with mine in an unspoken request. I know what she wants from me, because I want it too.

“Can I walk you to your car?”

She perks up with a relieved smile. “Yes, please.”

We get there together in silence. Normally, silence irks me; it reminds me that I’m lonely, and it encourages all the raging thoughts of my worthlessness to beat me up inside.

But when I’m with Arella, the silence doesn’t bother me.

Even now, as I walk her to her car where she’ll end up driving away from me forever, this silence with her still comes with a teeny-tiny sense of peace.

After she sets her purse in her car, she shuts the door and turns to me. “Do you want a goodbye hug?”

Do I want one? Fuck yeah.

Can I handle holding her knowing I’ll have to let her go? Absolutely not.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.”

“Right. I understand.” Her face falls more than I expected it to. I thought she asked if I wanted a hug for my benefit. Now I think she might have asked for hers. “Take care of yourself, okay?” she says.

I won’t. “You too.”

“And stay sober.”

“Sure.” No promises.

“And stay out of prison.”

That one gets a chuckle out of me. It’s small, but it’s something. “I’ll try.”

She smiles at me like she’s grateful to hear my laugh one last time. I’d like to hear hers too.

The idea comes to me easily. “You know what else I’ll do?”

“What?”

“I’ll start putting the toilet paper on the correct way.”

She rewards my quick thinking with a giggle. “Of all the things I just mentioned, that one is the most important.”

I take a step backward, keeping my eyes trained on her.

I want to look at her for as long as possible.

She grabs the door handle and pulls the door open.

I brand the shape of her body into my mind.

The length of her hair. The curves of her waist. The way her legs look in those shorts.

When I’m old and gray, I want to remember all these little details about her.

When I’m on my deathbed, I want the last thing I picture to be her.

She’s about to step into her car when I can’t hold back anymore.

“Arella?” My voice comes out like shattered glass.

She freezes and looks up at me with wide and eager eyes. My feet make their way to her before I can stop them. They pause once I’m in front of her again. I clear my dry-as-fuck throat. This is a bad idea, but I’m gonna do it anyway.

“I, uh, changed my mind. I think I’d like a goodbye hug. You know, if you’re still offering.”

With glistening eyes, she nods. I don’t need more permission than that. I yank her toward me so hard, she collides with my chest with a thump. Our arms clutch each other like we’re a couple in the 1940s and I’m about to go off to war.

I want to ask her why she’s doing this. Why she’s torturing us both. Why she feels like she owes anything to a man who didn’t fall in love with her of his own free will.

But I don’t.

I can’t.

She’s made her decision.

Maybe this is for the best. I’d probably only have her for a few short months before the zovernment takes her away, anyway. Unfortunately, this is our fate. Two souls meant for each other but fated to be apart.

I fist her hair and squeeze her against me so tight, a strangled breath leaves her mouth. I don’t care. I keep crushing her anyway. Apparently, she doesn’t care either, because even though I’m probably suffocating her, she doesn’t pull away.

I breathe in her sweet scent one last time, then my words come out through held-back tears. “Count down from three, and I’ll let you go. Slowly, please.”

She nods against my pec. “Three.”

Fuck, why is she counting so fast? I wasn’t ready for her to start yet.

She waits a few seconds before saying, “Two.”

I hug her tighter. Since I can’t say it out loud, I hope she can feel how much I love her through my body.

“One.”

I release her and march toward the woods so she can’t see the tears dripping from my eyes. I feel her gaze on my back as I order myself not to look at her. If I do, I might drop to my knees and beg her to stay.