Page 33 of Sailing Free at Loch Tunnagan (Loch Tunnagan #1)

“I ’m going to be sick,” Jess flung open the car door, stumbled onto the grassy verge and emptied the contents of her stomach.

She felt Ryan’s hand rub her back.

“Get away from me,” she said through ragged breaths.

Ryan ignored her demand and handed her a bottle of water, which she took reluctantly. The liquid washed away the acrid taste in her mouth and helped even out her breathing.

A large boulder lay by the fence, she perched on it and leaned forward, placing her elbows on her knees,

“How long have you known?”

“Two weeks,” he replied.

“Why didn’t you tell me then, or last night for that matter?”

“I wanted to tell you in person but then when I saw you last night I panicked. I knew that as soon as I told you, it would be over between us for good.”

“It was over as soon as you slept with Steph,” she snapped.

Ryan sat down beside her, “I know.”

“How long have you been cheating on me?”

“It started a couple of months ago.”

“Are you in love with her?” the words pained her to say.

“I love you, Jess.”

“Well, you’ve got a bloody funny way of showing it.”

Ryan rummaged in his pocket and pulled out a small velvet box.

“You have got to be kidding me,” scoffed Jess. She stood and faced him, “You are not seriously proposing right now?”

“No,” replied Ryan. His eyes were cast down. He was focused on a small twig on the ground. “I’ve been trying to propose for over a year.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Think back Jess, remember how many trips away I tried to plan for us?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “We were always too busy.”

Ryan shook his head sadly,” No, we weren't, we could have made time. Each of those trips was me attempting to organise a romantic set up so I could propose. But you always said you had too much admin work to do. You told Steph to go instead and said we were to use them as research trips.”

“Oh my god Ryan, are you trying to tell me it’s my fault that you had sex with Steph?” she raged.

“No Jess, that’s not what I’m saying. I know it’s no excuse. I should have spoken to you about how I was feeling. You asked for the truth and I’m just trying to explain.”

Jess sat back down.

“Steph saw that something was bothering me. I opened up to her when we were away. At first it was purely friendship but then one thing led to another. We became closer.”

“Are you still together?”

“No,” Ryan shook his head. “Steph and I aren't a couple but she is pregnant with my baby. I need to be there for her throughout the pregnancy. I want to be a good Dad.”

He ran his hands through his hair, “I’m so scared I’m going to mess it up.”

The picture of Ryan being a dad sent waves of nausea through her body again. She needed to focus on something.

Curious, she asked, “What makes you think you’ll mess it up?”

“I failed you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I hurt you. I messed everything up.” Tears filled Ryan’s eyes.

Jess looked into the depths of those blue eyes. The eyes of the boy she had fallen in love with all those years back. His face had changed a bit since then; there were a few extra lines that marked the passing years but his eyes had remained the same. They were the same piercing blue.

Ryan’s words lingered in her mind, ‘We could have made time’. He was right, they should have made time. She should have prioritised their relationship over the business.

The fight slowly left her and she shook her head, “We both messed up Ryan. We lost sight of each other; we lost sight of ourselves.”

She leaned into him and nudged him gently with her elbow, “You’ll be an amazing Dad.”

Ryan winced and his face contorted in pain.

She sprung back, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. My stomach has been a bit sore. I’m starting to think Cal may have poisoned my food last night,” he flashed her a weak smile.

Jess rolled her eyes, “He did not. Come on, let's get going.”

They were silent for a while as they drove along the winding country road. Both lost in thought.

Ryan broke the silence, “He’s into you, you know.”

“Who is?” asked Jess.

It was Ryan’s turn to roll his eyes, “Don’t play dumb.”

“Cal is just a friend,” retorted Jess.

“I see the way you look at each other,” replied Ryan softly. He gave a sad shrug, “You used to look at me that way. I know you like him Jess, it’s ok.”

Jess watched the fields flash by, “Maybe there is something there,” she admitted, “but nothing will ever come of it.”

“Why do you say that?” questioned Ryan.

Jess looked over at him, “You know this is a weird conversation to be having with each other.”

Ryan nodded, “Yeah, but it doesn't feel weird.”

Strangely, he was right. It felt natural to be chatting with Ryan again.

He grinned, “The subject matter is perhaps not my favourite topic but it’s actually really nice to be talking to you about something that’s not work related.”

Jess let out a snort of laughter, “You’re right.”

Ryan’s expression became thoughtful again, “If anything does happen between you and Cal, promise me you won’t let what happened to us repeat itself.”

Jess shook her head, “It won’t. Time at the loch has changed me. It’s made me readjust my values.”

“Good. I need you to know that no matter what, I’ll always care about you Jess. I’ll always be in your corner.”

Jess nodded, “I know.”

She gazed out the window at the clouds rolling slowly over the vast hills. Everything seemed clearer.

It was obvious they both needed a fresh break so they could pursue their own dreams. Working alongside each other would keep them stuck in limbo,

“I think we should sell the business.” she blurted.

Ryan’s head snapped round to meet her gaze, “Really, you’d be ok with that?”

“Yes, would you?”

Ryan shrugged, “My heart isn’t in it anymore. I didn’t think you felt that way though,” he looked at her quizzically.

“Spending some time away from it has made me realise that I’d like to try something new. I’ve really enjoyed organising the boat race. I might retrain in something like event planning.”

It hadn’t been a conscious thought up until that point but as soon as she mentioned event planning her mind started to race. Her fingers were itching to search for courses online.

“I could picture you doing that,” smiled Ryan.

“We'll need to make sure Paul and Alan’s contracts are safe. And I guess Steph too.”

Ryan nodded, he opened his mouth to speak but then his face contorted in pain again and he grabbed his side.

“Are you ok?”

“I’m not feeling so good Jess, do you mind driving?”

The drive back passed in a blur. The pain in Ryan’s side seemed to intensify and Jess had to pull over once for him to be sick, “Shall I call a doctor?”

He shook his head, “I’ll be fine. It’s probably just a stomach bug.”

By the time Jess pulled into the car park at the hotel, Ryan was doubled over in pain.

“I’m calling an ambulance,” she declared, despite his protests.

Her fingers shook as she dialled 999 and explained Ryan’s symptoms to the operator.

“Can you ask him what level of pain he is feeling on a scale of one to ten.”

“Ten,” breathed Ryan through gritted teeth.

She relayed this to the operator.

“OK, stay on the line. Due to your location I'm going to see if we can dispatch the air ambulance.”

“Thank you,” Jess breathed a sigh of relief knowing that help was on its way.

There was a knock on the window. Cal peered through the glass, “Everything ok?” he asked.

“Ryan’s not well,” Jess was shaking now. “The air ambulance is coming. We need to get him to the field behind the hotel where they can land the helicopter.”

Cal jumped into the back of the car, “I’ll come with you. I’ve got the key for the padlock on the gate.”

“Thanks.”

The helicopter probably only took about 20 minutes to arrive but it felt like an eternity. Ryan’s condition continued to deteriorate and she was completely helpless. He writhed in pain as the paramedics completed their initial assessments.

“Have you ever been in a helicopter before?” Asked the paramedic who had introduced himself as Stuart.

Ryan looked in no condition to converse but managed a curt nod.

“We won a raffle prize when we were students,” explained Jess. “We were taken for a short flight around Stirling in the Air Ambulance.”

Stuart looked up as he removed the blood pressure cuff from Ryan’s arm and a glint of recognition flicked across his face,

“I thought you two looked familiar! It was me and Eilidh that took you up that night. He tilted his head in the direction of his colleague.

“This is a bit of a full circle moment for you,” Eilidh spoke as she helped load Ryan onto the aircraft.

Jess was taken back to the night of the ball; the night Ryan had first kissed her. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

“Don’t worry we’ll have him in the hospital in no time,” reassured Stuart.

Eilidh looked over at Jess and Cal, “I’m afraid we aren’t allowed to take extra passengers. We’re transporting him to Ninewells in Dundee. You can meet us there if you like.”

Jess lifted a shaky hand and waved to Ryan, “See you soon.”

She felt Cal’s hand on her back, “I’ll drive you.”

After an excruciatingly long wait she was finally told that she could visit the patient. The door to the ward slid open and Jess was engulfed by the strong smell of antiseptic and citrus floor cleaner that were only just managing to mask the scent of body fluids.

She attempted to breathe through her mouth in an effort to limit the ‘hospital smell’.

The lady at the front desk had rattled off a list of lefts and rights at such a high speed that Jess doubted even the doctors with all their PhD’s could have followed.

She was scrutinising a map of the hospital on the wall when she heard a familiar voice.

“Hey.”

She turned to see Ryan sitting up in a bed in the room opposite her.

“How are you?” she asked as she entered his room. “Appendicitis huh?”

“Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it,” replied Ryan with a weak smile.

His face was still pale but no longer contorted in pain. They had taken him for an emergency appendectomy as soon as they had run tests at the hospital.

“I called your parents; they're on their way.” She cleared her throat and added awkwardly, “I also sent Steph a text. She’s coming too.”

Ryan nodded solemnly, “Thanks Jess, I don’t deserve your kindness.”

“Just concentrate on getting better.”

Ryan’s gaze landed on the bouquet of flowers she was carrying, “Are they for me?”

“Oh yeah,” she placed them on the bedside table.

“I don’t think you’ve ever bought me flowers before. In fact, I don’t think anyone has ever bought me flowers before,” he smirked.

“Well, I wasn’t sure if you could eat chocolates or grapes after your op,” she replied lightly.

“They’re beautiful, thanks Jess.”

She gave his hand a gentle squeeze, “Listen, I’m going to shoot off. I don’t think it would do anyone any good if I’m still here when Steph arrives.”

He nodded, “Thank you for everything Jess.” He held her gaze for a long time, “I’m going to miss you.”

Her throat caught and she struggled to fight back tears, “Bye Ryan.”

As she let go, she realised it was likely the last time she would ever hold his hand.

Her head knew that it was over, it had been over for a long time but her heart ached for what had been.

It was the end of a chapter in her life and although she was excited to see what lay ahead, she couldn’t help grieve the loss of her best friend.

Ryan would not feature in the next chapter and she would miss him.