Page 7 of Sad Girl Hours

Chapter Seven

Saffron

This is a terrible idea.

I love Nell’s enthusiasm and how happy her idea has made her, but I also can’t agree to it.

My dislike of autumn and winter isn’t related to whatever activities there are to do in them – not that I have ever really done any of them.

I’ve mostly been busy being capital S sad.

No, it’s the fact that my mental health takes a monumental hit, and I end up wallowing in the dark feeling like I’m failing myself and the people around me.

But I can’t tell her that and watch her smile fall.

“It’s a really nice plan, Nell,” I say carefully. “I just know you’re not going to change my mind. And you’ll be busy with work – you’ve got your own life – this isn’t something you need to do.”

“Well, I won’t be busy with work if I can’t find anything to write about. And yes, I do have my own life but it’s a life I’d love nothing more than to fill with all my favourite things and also get to share them with you.”

I notice Jenna’s face soften into a smile at that last part.

“That’s really sweet of you,” I say, desperately trying to find the words to knock back the idea without dampening Nell’s enthusiasm or hurting her feelings. “But I really don’t want to waste your time.”

“I’m the one who gets to decide what’s a waste of my time, and this is definitely not going to be that. Quite the opposite. Come on – it’s a win-win! You’ll get so much good content .” She sings the last word like a siren.

Ordinarily it would work. I love spending time with Nell, and she does make a good point. The idea of doing anything for content is deeply cringe to me, but also…

It is fun, and I love sharing my love of astrophysics with more and more people (even if the pressure of having such a large audience does occasionally hit me and I get the urge to cleanse my digital footprint from the internet entirely).

But, more than that, I also like knowing that I have something , just in case things do go really wrong.

I get a modest income from my videos every month, not enough to live on, or even particularly close, but if I did do this with Nell – and she’s right: people would probably love that kind of thing – then it’d be a good way to keep building engagement.

That is all a pretty persuasive point in Nell’s plan’s favour, but it’s still not enough. I go to apologise and say no, but when I look up at her face again…

Her hazel eyes are soft and wide, her mouth curved up, excitement and hope radiating from her entire person.

Nell is one of my closest friends. I know how much her poetry means to her.

I saw her passion for it, the same way she saw my passion for all things space, the very first night we met when there were stars above us and scattered across her dress as we danced together.

I thought she looked like the coolest witch I’d ever seen.

And she clearly had no idea how beautiful she was, and how effortlessly herself in a way that I both admired and coveted.

She wants to do this.

And I want to make her happy.

“All right,” I say. “Let’s do it.”

She flings her arms around in glee. “Really?”

I take a subtle breath in. “Really.” I try a little harder, plastering on a smile. “It’s a great idea. Like you said, it’ll help both of us out.”

“It’s going to be so much fun,” she says. “You’ll see.”

“I’m sure I will,” I lie.

“Right. I’m going to do some research first, make sure I’ve thought of everything I possibly can,” she says. “But we should meet one night next week to go over the list together and plan our first activities.”

“Sure. Sounds good.”

I return my attention to the rest of the group. Both Jenna and Vivvie have been focused on Nell and me respectively. Casper, of course, is just looking at Jenna with an expression that betrays both that he’s not been paying attention to our conversation and that he is adorably besotted with her.

I doubt I’ll ever be looked at like that.

And I don’t want to be, not really. Obviously not by Casper, sweet boy though he is, but not by anyone else either.

I’ve met people post-Melanie that I’ve been attracted to, maybe even that I’d be interested in romantically, but I don’t let it go further.

Like when I met Nell, I asked her to dance with me.

I began the year with her by my side, and a small part of my brain started to imagine what it might be like to let myself be loved by someone like her.

But I am loved by her. We’re good friends. And staying that way is safest for everyone involved.

“Do you guys want to join in too?” I open it up to the group.

Vivvie and Jenna’s eyes flick to each other for the briefest of seconds.

“Nah,” Jenna says.

“We’re both going to be really busy this term,” says Vivvie.

“Coursework and rehearsals.”

“And a lot of overtime in the studio prepping for the show in January.”

“We could join you for a couple of things maybe, but you two should start planning things for just you. At least to start with.”

“All right.” I nod. “And you, Casper?”

“Huh?” He starts at his name. “Oh, no thanks. I think.” There’s a pause. “Could you repeat the question just so I’m sure, though?”

I explain the whole rigamarole again, aided by various excited interjections from Nell.

“Oh, that does sound fun,” Casper says. “I’d definitely—”

I may be mistaken but I think I see Jenna pinch Casper in the arm. Hard.

“—definitely like to hear all about your adventures.” He looks to Jenna. “I … also will have lots of coursework to do this term.”

Ah, I see. Jenna didn’t want Casper spending all his free time with us instead of her. I’m sure she’d never admit it, but it’s very sweet anyway.

“Just us then,” Nell says. “Shall we meet on Thursday evening? I’ve got a seminar in the afternoon but I should be done by six if you want to come to ours? I’ll provide dinner and present my ideas for the list to you if you’re amenable to such a plan.”

I’m always amenable , I think to myself.

“Sounds perfect,” I say to Nell.