Page 32 of Sad Girl Hours

Chapter Thirty-two

Saffron

I’m still in an invisible tug of war with myself and my rotting brain when we reach the ice rink. Nell squeals when she sees the square and does an adorable little jump.

I love how excited she gets about things, how earnestly unrestrained she is, letting herself feel everything.

Even I must admit that it’s a beautiful scene. There are strings of warm-coloured bulbs skirting the edge of the ice rink that encircles the stone monument in the centre of the square. Then the lights cross between the two rows of festive wooden huts alongside the rink.

People are already out on the ice – toddlers in puffy coats and snowsuits looking like tiny, bobble-hatted Michelin men as they cling on to small penguins to stay upright, couples holding hands as they skate round them, scarves trailing behind them, one guy on his own showing off by doing an impressive pirouette.

And then there’s the Ferris wheel, lit up with white spotlights and turning slowly, and the carousel, looking like a relic from a bygone era with its old-fashioned charm, chipped-paint horses rising and falling as the organ music breathes its tune.

“Come on – let’s go get our skates on! Last one to fall over or collide with a small child wins!” Nell calls to us, forging her way determinedly to the tent by the side of the rink.

A few minutes later, all skated up, we make our way out on to the ice. Nell squeals with glee again, even as her feet slide back and forth without actually propelling her forward, her right hand clasped firmly round the metal railing.

Vivvie skates off, not quite at doing-the- Bol é ro level, but still in a much more impressive display of coordination than the rest of us are showing anyway.

Casper takes a couple of slides forward and then immediately slips and falls backwards on to his bum, Jenna cackling at him before helping him up.

I can’t help but laugh too as I skate after Nell. “So, Casper’s out of the contest already,” I say when I’m by her side, moving very tentatively.

“Shh,” Nell says. “I’m hoping everyone will forget I said anything about winning given Vivvie’s clearly got this in the bag. Can’t believe she neglected to tell us she used to take figure-dancing classes as a kid.”

“Yep,” Vivvie says, coming up behind to lap us already. “I was obsessed with the costumes and begged my parents to let me take figure-dancing classes. Hence why they’d thought I was gay since I was about four and so were surprisingly chill about me telling them I was pan and also trans.”

She doesn’t wait for our response, instead continuing to skim gracefully across the ice.

“I love it when Vivvie drops some new childhood lore, and we find out she’s been the exact same person since she was born,” Nell says.

“Stubborn, passionate and undeniably fabulous?”

“Exact— Oh, shit .”

“Here, I’ve got you,” I say through a laugh as Nell’s knee slides out from under her. I catch her by the elbow and pull her upright.

“Phew. I can’t fall yet. It would be too damaging to my street cred.”

“What street cred?” I tease.

“Excuse me! I’m a very cool and sexy person. I positively ooze street credibility. Seriously, touch me. I’m slimy with it all.”

“You and your way with words,” I say. And yes, objectively, the words ‘ooze’ and ‘slimy’ are gross. But still, something about Nell saying she’s a cool and sexy person has me feeling like a gay disaster and also very warm, despite the bitter cold radiating up from our floor of ice.

I’m quiet while I think through this and I feel Nell glance at me with curiosity, but I pretend I’m just concentrating on not falling over. Which, to be fair, I am also doing.

To our mutual surprise, both Nell and I manage to stay upright for the duration of our skating session.

I even manage to persuade Nell that she’s more capable than she thinks and that she can let go of the metal bar.

She does but only after making me promise not to let go of her hand.

I agree, thinking, Why on earth would I ever do that?

Once we’re done, I feel a little uneasy on solid ground. I keep expecting my feet to slide from under me.

“All right, what now then?” Jenna asks.

“I will be heading straight over to get one of those roast-dinner wraps in a Yorkshire pudding that the beautiful man is selling over there.”

“Casper, you ate thirteen Yorkshire puddings just before we came out,” I say with a laugh.

“And what’s one extra giant Yorkshire pudding when you’ve already eaten thirteen?”

“Boy math,” Vivvie says promptly.

“Come on then,” Jenna says. “Let’s get you number fourteen.”

Nell turns to me. “I don’t think they have veggie ones, so how about we…” She jerks her head up towards the Ferris wheel.

A smile stretches across my face. “Absolutely.”

The closer we get to the end of the queue, the more Nell fidgets around.

“You OK?” I ask. “Ants in your pants?”

“Yup, several, the tiny insect perverts. I’ve tried to get them out but no luck.” She shrugs, and that seems like the only answer I’m going to get until…

The fairground guy comes and shuts us into our pod. I wriggle in next to Nell on the bench and am about to say, “This is fun,” when the pod lurches upwards and Nell grabs on to my arm with a grip like a vice.

“Nell?” I say. “You OK?”

She attempts a smile but it looks pained. “Yep. Never better.”

“What’s wrong?” I say, mentally calling bullshit.

“Nothing.”

I just look at her, much in the way she has at me these past months.

We keep on heading up, everything beneath us growing smaller. The bulbs strung across the square look almost as small as the stars above us as we reach the top and the wheel comes to a halt for a few seconds.

“OK, so I might be a teensy bit afraid of heights.” The words come out of Nell in a rush, her hand still gripping my forearm.

I turn to face her fully. “You’re afraid of heights?” I ask incredulously.

“Kind of? It’s more a fear of falling from a great height than the actual height itself but colloquially, yes, I am very much afraid of heights.”

“Why on earth are we on a Ferris wheel then?” I say, laughing gently.

“Because I thought you’d like it. I put it on the list because I wanted you to feel— Oh my God, are we wobbling? We’re wobbling. Is this thing supposed to wobble?”

I put my own hand on her arm, trying to be reassuring. “Shh, it’s OK, Nell. This is fine – it’s perfectly safe, I promise.”

“Did you personally carry out their health-and-safety inspection or witness the report of somebody who did?”

“No, but—”

“Then you’re in no position to make that kind of promise, SAFFRON.”

I bite back my laugh. “I promise because I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you. Look around: the view’s pretty. Hey.” I nudge her with my shoulder, trying to get her to open her eyes. “Take a look around.”

Bless her, she does open her eyes a millimetre, and she does take a look around.

I hope she’s seeing what I’m seeing. The city surrounding us is lit with pricks of silver light.

All of it blurs into the background, however, as my eyes focus on Nell.

Her round cheeks and pointed nose are pink and dotted with the ghosts of freckles from a sunkissed summer – her lips slightly chapped from the cold.

“Good Lord, we’re up high,” she says weakly, and I know she’s trying to pretend that she can’t feel our pod swaying in the wind.

“Just, whatever you do, don’t look down,” I say.

“I won’t,” she says, instead looking straight back at me, hazel eyes locked on to mine.

Her soft smile adds another glowing thing to the sky tonight.

“Why would I look down,” she says, voice quiet, even though it feels as though it’s only us two occupying the universe right now anyway, “when I could look at you instead?”

We’ve started moving again but it feels like everything is frozen. Is she… I don’t know.

I force the words out but they’re as quiet as hers just were. “You didn’t finish saying – why did you want to come on this thing, knowing that you’re deathly afraid of heights?”

“Deathly’s a bit extreme really. I’m scared but I’m not dead , Saffron.

And I’m doing it because I thought you’d like it.

I know you don’t want to be an astronaut yourself, you want to remain earthbound, but I thought you still might like to feel as though you’re in space for a couple of minutes, like you’re a little closer to the stars. ”

“I…”

How can she just say things like that and not expect me to fall apart. Or want to kiss her. Or both – my eyes brim with water, and I have to stop myself from grabbing her face and kissing those chapped lips.

I think I’ve realised a lot of things today. First, Jenna was honest and open and spoke about things so casually that it really shook things up in my brain. She made it all sound so normal . And now Nell has literally faced an entire phobia just because she thought I’d like it .

They’ve been so brave.

I feel like it’s time.

I’m still holding the fear in my body, I can tell, but I don’t want to let it guide me any more. I want to be done with that.

It’s time for me to be brave too.