Page 18 of Sad Girl Hours

Chapter Eighteen

Saffron

“You deserve so much more than them,” Nell says.

I can still feel the rage coming off her.

In a way, it’s keeping me warm against the night’s chill, but I’m not exactly sure that she’s right.

No one likes a buzzkill, even if it’s your own kid.

Maybe especially if it’s your own kid, and you’ve realised you don’t like being their parent at the best of times.

Sometimes I wished for a sibling so I wasn’t the only person who knew what it was like to live in that house; other times I was glad it was just me that had to feel the things I did.

“Thank you,” I say but I obviously don’t say it earnestly enough.

“You DO,” Nell says, her eyes still blazing into mine. “You’re so kind and smart and beautiful and creative and talented and like a billion other positive adjectives – I could keep going. Don’t test me. I know a lot of words.”

“I know you do.” I laugh, eyes still bleary.

Nell’s gaze slides from my eyes to the card that’s still in my hand. “I can’t get over that card.” Something wicked flashes in her expression. “Ooh. I have an idea for what you could do to help you get over it, though. Or, at least, just express your rage.”

“I’m not full of rage ,” I protest (I generally don’t have the energy for rage), but Nell’s already dipping back inside the house.

“Ta-da!” she says, coming back out with a lit candelabra.

“Are we … summoning a demon?”

“Not unless you want to. I was thinking we could just set fire to it.”

“That feels … drastic.”

“Oh,” Nell says. “Does it?”

She looks genuinely confused and it makes me think. She’s the only person I’ve ever told about my parents. And if this was her first instinct, to set it all aflame…

I look down at the card and its absence of love, and you know what? Fire doesn’t feel as drastic any more. In fact, it feels entirely appropriate.

“Screw it,” I say, gingerly taking the candelabra off Nell and lifting the card to the centre flame.

We stare at the flames licking down the card, dark ash spreading at the edges, for a good few seconds, both grinning, before I realise something.

“Um,” I say, the fire inching closer to my fingers. “What now?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t think this far ahead,” Nell says with a lilt of panic.

“Here.” She grabs it off me and holds it up high.

“Oh, God. Again, didn’t think this through.

” She drops it to the ground and looks as if she’s going to stamp on it, but I thrust her away – her dress looks very flammable.

“Step back!” I yelp, stamping on it until it’s no longer aflame, and is instead a single corner of white card and some soggy black stuff on the pavement.

We stare down at it together.

“Well,” I say. “That’s that.”

“That is indeed th—”

“There you both are!” A voice causes us both to jolt upright and spin round. Vivvie stands there, wrapped around the front door. “What on earth have you been up to?”

“Nothing,” I say guiltily, noticing Nell shift to cover the card remnants on the ground with her dress.

Vivvie looks suspicious but carries on regardless.

“Well, listen: while an excellent time is being had by all inside, we are kind of missing the stars of the show. Without the birthday girls, it kind of ceases to be a birthday party and is instead just an excuse for our friends to get drunk and eat cake. I’ve been looking for you both – I had cake-cutting down on my schedule for half ten when everyone’s just drunk enough to be snacky, but not so drunk that there’ll be icing-coloured vom on my stairs. ”

“You’d make an excellent wedding planner,” Nell says.

“You really would,” I concur.

“Well, you can call on me when the need arises – but I doubt you’ll be able to afford my rates,” Vivvie says. “Now, chop-chop, so we can chop-chop this cake.” She waves her arms like she’s trying to direct a plane indoors.

We move past her to enter the house obediently.

“Now I just need to track down Jenna and Casper and we’re good to go.”

“They disappeared too?”

“About ten minutes before you guys did,” Vivvie says. “Honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you all.”

I think back to Vivvie’s wedding-planner comment and feel a wave of warmth wash over me. I don’t know if she meant we should call on her. As in … jointly. But if she did, she’s got the wrong end of the stick. Nell and I are just friends. Really good friends, but just friends nonetheless.

The same surely cannot be said for Jenna and Casp, who we eventually conclude must be in Casper’s bedroom, after checking everywhere else.

“Guys?” I knock gingerly on the door.

“Give it a bit more than that,” Vivvie says, thumping her fist on to the wood. “You have fifteen seconds to emerge from the room, preferably fully clothed, but at this point I’d settle for a Garden of Eden leaf situation. We’re late cutting the cake.”

There’s a pause before footsteps approach the door and Casper’s head appears in the crack. “Oh. Hi, guys! We were just—”

“Doing a jigsaw?” Nell says wearily.

“Yes,” Jenna says, pushing Casper through the door. “A thousand-piece one of a Jurassic landscape.”

“Ichthyosaurus not included,” Casper adds.

“Whatever.” Vivvie’s eyes roll. “Downstairs, vamos. It’s cake time.”

“Ah. Excellent.” Casper still looks a bit awkward. “Tick-tock, it’s sponge o’clock. And whatnot.”

Jenna rolls her eyes this time, lightly pushing him down the stairs.

I follow everyone down. On the way, I overhear Vivvie say something to Nell. “Sorry about Evie, by the way. They can be un poco intense.”

“That’s OK,” Nell answers quietly. “They were fine. I just…”

“Wasn’t in the mood?” Vivvie offers.

“No. You could say that.”

This must be why Nell went outside. No doubt Evie was being their usual pushy self – I’ve seen them hit on all kinds of people. Not me, thankfully. Inconsiderate and self-absorbed isn’t exactly my type, and I’m not dating anyway.

Back downstairs, Vivvie turns the lights off and emerges from the kitchen with our cake in one hand, and I spot Evie in the ring of people that gather round us singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

Why do they have to be like that? My brain buzzes with a strange feeling of indignance that they would make Nell feel uncomfortable.

Nell leans her head on my shoulder, grinning round at everyone, the candles on our shared cake flickering amber on her face and lighting it up even more.

I hope she’s had a good day. Though I bet it would have been better without me dumping all my stuff on her outside. My throat clenches while I beam round at everyone as the last warbling notes are sung.

“ HAAAA-PY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!”

Nell and I cut the cake while my stomach mangles all manner of unpleasant feelings together.

I’m so ungrateful. How could I burn the one thing my parents gave me for my birthday? How could I ruin Nell’s day by making a fuss about something that’s really not a big deal?

She’s still grinning, taking a massive bite of her slice of cake – carrot cake, her favourite. And the one I pretended was mine too when the guys asked, even though lemon was my real answer.

But Nell being happy, that’s my true favourite. I don’t care what kind of cake I get. So why did I darken her day and make her worry about me?

It won’t happen again, I think, taking a bite of carrot cake myself and trying not to betray a wince when I hit a raisin. I won’t let it.