Page 36 of Sad Girl Hours

Chapter Thirty-six

Saffron

It sounds perfect. Minus the being depressed part. Nell is just … she’s perfect. And yes, I’m feeling more than a modicum of guilt at laying this all on her, but I’m also feeling… Well. Other things.

“Thank you,” I say. “You’re being so kind.”

Nell shrugs. “I’m being fine. I’m being how everyone in your life should have been if they weren’t all dicks .”

I try to suppress a smile out of loyalty to my family, but I can’t quite manage it. “Yes, well. I’m not exactly looking forward to going home for Christmas and spending time with—”

“Aforementioned dicks?”

I crack up. “Yes.”

I watch Nell process this for a second and then she grows quiet, her brow slightly creased with the same intense look she gets when she’s ‘struck by the muse’, which makes me a little nervous.

“What if you didn’t?” she says eventually.

“Didn’t what?”

“You say you’re not looking forward to going back to your parents’ house for the holidays. So, what if you just … didn’t go?”

“What, and stay here on my own?”

It’s a thought, I suppose. I’m not sure if that long on my own would be helpful for my mental health, though. With no distractions or people around to notice when I’ve forgotten to eat or wash or leave the house, I might spiral even more.

Nell shakes her head. “God no, that sounds bleak. I mean, what if you came home with me?”

She phrases it like it’s such a simple idea, like a genuine offer, even though I know it can’t be.

“That’s so kind of you,” I say, getting ready to politely decline as I’m sure she expected me to. “But I couldn’t do that.”

“Why not?”

The note of genuine confusion in her voice again almost throw me for a second, but no. People don’t just offer to host you in their house for three weeks, to spend Christmas with them.

“Well,” I say, “it would be such a burden to you and your family. They barely know me. They definitely don’t want me hanging around the house and interrupting your family Christmas.”

“OK, to start with, we always have people interrupting our family Christmas. Our house always has people coming and going, and Christmas is the best time for that. I’d say my dads wouldn’t even notice you were there except they would because they already like you and would want you to have a good time. They’d be glad to have you, honestly.”

She sounds serious. Like she’s genuinely offering me a place in her home. I so badly want to believe it. “Nell, you’re not serious. Come on.”

I jostle her gently in the side with a smile to try and provoke her into cracking and going, “Yeah, OK, you got me.”

She just keeps looking at me with that intense expression of hers. “Of course I’m serious. I wouldn’t joke about this.”

Oh my God. She is – she’s actually offering.

Every fibre of my body wants me to scream, “YES. PLEASE, TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU!” But it’s still not as simple as that.

Maybe Nell wants me there but I can’t burden her entire family with my potentially depressed bummer of a presence and another mouth to feed for that long.

And, even if I did think they would all be delighted to have me in their home, I don’t know how I’d actually feel about abandoning my parents over Christmas, or how I’d even tell them I wasn’t coming home.

“You’re spiralling, aren’t you?” Nell says matter-of-factly. “I can always tell. Your eyes get a little wider, and you go really quiet, even though I can tell that your brain’s being mean to you very loudly inside.”

“Can you stop reading me so accurately, please?” I joke, focusing on staring down at my hands so that she can’t see my telltale eyes.

“Nope. Now, I’m going to make this very simple. All you have to do is answer two questions, OK?”

I’m nervous. “OK.”

“Do you want to go back to your parents for the holidays?”

I’d lie but what’s the point when I’ve already said as much?

“No.”

“If you felt completely assured that everyone in my family would be glad to have you there, would you want to come home with me? It’s fine if you wouldn’t.”

She tacks that last bit on the end completely earnestly.

I want to tell her truthfully that I would love nothing more than to go back to her house, to spend all that time with her, to be in a home , one decorated for Christmas with garlands everywhere and mistletoe in every doorway, and a tree in both the lounge and the kitchen, like I saw on Nell’s Instagram last year.

A home full of music and laughter and love .

“I would,” I say, forcing myself to sound tentative, “but—”

“No buts !” Nell exclaims. “It can be as simple as that if you want it to be.”

“ But ,” I say, louder than before, “I know your family won’t—”

“No, you don’t. Hold on.” She pulls out her phone and starts tapping.

“What are you doing?”

She presses something again and then holds it in her palm, the dialling tone ringing out on speaker mode into the freezing air.

“Oh my God, Nell, stop.”

She just holds up a finger.

“Hello, agápi mou!” The voice of Xander, one of her dads, rings out while I move to face straight forward, feeling my eyes widen. “You OK? And where are you? I can hear sounds of revelry.”

“I’m good, Pops. I’m at the fair in town,” Nell says cheerily. “I just had a quick question for you and Dad.”

“Of course, shoot.”

I can hear noises in the background like they’re making tea.

“I’m listening too!” I recognise the voice of her other dad, Eric, in the background. “We’re so excited to see you in a couple of days, Nelaphant.”

“Me too,” Nell says. “But I actually wanted to talk to you about something first. You see, Saffron—”

I turn to gaze imploringly at Nell to get her to stop this before it’s too late, but she ignores this nonverbal plea.

“Oh, lovely Saffron. How’s she doing?” Xander asks.

“She’s OK,” Nell says, eyes flicking to me now. “But I was wondering: she’s got some … family stuff going on, and she’s not sure what’s happening – nothing’s definite yet – but if she was able to, how would you feel about her coming to stay with us over the holidays?”

I love her for phrasing it like that, for not asking the questions in a leading way, but I still know what their answer will—

“Oh, we’d be delighted !” Eric says, and my gritted jaw grows slacker. “The more the merrier’s always been our philosophy. You know that, Nell.”

“Of course I do, yes. I just wanted to check,” she adds pointedly (to me, not her dads).

“You lemon,” Eric says. “You know we love hosting, especially when it’s people that are important to you.”

“I hope she’s doing all right and the family stuff isn’t anything too difficult. It would be lovely to have her. Make sure you tell her that,” Xander says.

“Of course. I’ll definitely tell her. Well, I’d better go and let you get back to whatever you’re doing.”

“I’m trying to make stifado like my yiayia used to make,” Xander says, “but it’s not going very well.”

“And I’m slicing oranges to make some new garlands because the animals, including – I suspect – your ginormous hunk of a cat, keep tearing them down.”

“Any more accusations like that and Beanie will be forced to get his lawyers involved,” Nell says. “He is a perfect little angel boy who has never done anything wrong in his life.”

“He’s an im perfect ginormous devil boy actually, but I will stop talking because I wouldn’t put it past the bastard to actually have lawyers.”

“Very wise. See you soon!”

“All right, darling, love you.”

“ Mwah, mwah! ”

She presses end call. “See? I’m so sorry. I know that was really stressful for you at the start, but I wanted you to know how loved you are and how welcome you’d be. So, what do you say?”

I feel warm, just from listening to that snapshot of their family life, and from the fact that they want me to be part of it for a little while.

“I’m running out of reasons to say no,” I say, trying not to let myself want it too badly.

“Then say yes,” Nell says. “ Please .”

She says the word in such a way as to suggest that it’d be a favour to her and not to me. I’ve rarely felt this cared about.

No. I’ve never felt this cared about.

I feel a smile quirk at my lips before edging tentatively across my face for real, and I think I’d do pretty much anything if Nell said please.

“ Yes .”