Page 9

Chapter eight

Fhord

She's Not Mine

T his is why I spent ten years trying to avoid her.

I felt her when she burst into this world. At first, I had no idea who—or even what—she was. But I knew something had arrived that could screw up everything. I knew I needed to keep her away from me.

I didn’t know she’d be so fucking beautiful.

Or that she’d be such a pain in the ass.

Or that she would be my gods-damned mate.

Who I can never, ever claim as my own.

Not that I’d ever want to. Because she is a huge, fucking pain in my ass.

The gods have wicked senses of humor.

And they take too much pleasure in playing with our lives.

For ten years, it was easy to keep her away. She landed in the North, but her emotions were too heightened, overwhelmed. She never even noticed me. Never felt our bond.

I only learned later it was because she’d been tortured mercilessly as they tried to learn where she’d come from. How she’d gotten here. Why she’d come. What she planned to do. And more important than anything else, what or who had come with her and disappeared before it could be caught. The Dróttning sensed a third presence when Sifa and the troll erupted into this world, but it disappeared before her guards could get there.

Sifa never broke. Annoying as she is, I have to admit she earned my respect when I learned that.

She even managed to escape from a prison that had never lost a captive. She took control of a guard’s thoughts, something nobody had done before. The Dróttning had a special device created for her—a manacle that will restrain Sifa’s magic when she’s caught again—because the Dróttning is determined to find her and get answers to her questions.

And then Sifa went south, away from her enemies in the North. Away from me. Those were good years. I could ignore her. Pretend she doesn’t exist.

But the Dróttning decided to send me to Bevin. She wants me nearby. More than that, though, she wants me to prepare to usurp him. She’s concluded I’m more trustworthy. Whether or not that’s true, she’s right about Bevin. He pretends to be loyal, but his allegiance is only to himself. He’d shove the Dróttning aside and rule this land if he could.

Sifa’s getting closer to Bevin, but he won’t hurt her. She’s safer here than anywhere else in Vanatia. She has a home. She’s even made friends. She isn’t going anywhere.

So we have to share Revalle. And I have to keep her away from me, make sure she doesn’t sense my presence or the pull of our mating bond. The first time our path crossed, I filled her with revulsion—made sure it would be stronger than whatever the mating bond would ignite in her. It took some effort, but I’ve had centuries to learn to control my magic. I can repel most people without them having any idea they’re being manipulated.

And then the next gods-damned day, Bevin sent her to Ulfhild. And Ulfhild sent her to the training grounds. And she decided to get herself caught by my own people. I fill her with revulsion and anger every time she senses or sees me, but she just keeps showing up.

The gods are fucking with me. I’m sure of it.

I didn’t even tell the ?tt about her at first. They didn’t need to know. But when they found Ulfhild’s girls in the forest outside the training grounds, I had to intervene. I couldn’t let them—I couldn’t let her—be taken to the Kastali. She’d never make it out alive. I made sure Jorunn and the rest of the ?tt let her go.

Now they know about my doomed mating. They think it’s funny. Pricks .

I still tried to keep Sifa away. When I saw her splayed across a couch in the ballroom for all to see, the savage inside me reminded me she is our mate. I’ve never had to work so hard to control him. I almost shifted right then and there—which would have been totally fucked. But I held on. Then I stopped myself from killing the men who watched her a little too closely, bulges in their pants and lust in their eyes. It would have drawn attention she can’t afford.

And she’s not mine. She never can be. Because Tindera will be the one to suffer if I give in to this temptation. Probably my ?tt too. The Dróttning knows they’re the best way to hurt me, and she will punish all of them for my weakness.

I warned Sifa about the Dróttning. Told her to leave. And then crossed paths with her again.

None of it worked. I can’t get away from her. The gods must be laughing at the mess they’ve made.

Fucking Bevin. Forcing us to work together is one thing. Sending us on a job a week’s travel away is something else entirely. I need to just get through this trip and make sure I never have to see her again.

In the meantime, she won’t be quiet. I don’t want to get to know her. I don’t even like her, but it wouldn’t matter if I did. We can’t be together. It would cause too much pain.

“Fhord, I’m talking to you.” Her hand wraps around my elbow as she tries to get my attention. “How much longer?”

Even her touch brings life to my old bones, sending little flames up and down my arm. I yank it away, though, and watch as her eyes fill with dismay, then turn to stone, as rigid as the chestnut they resemble. Mine stay hard. Cold. Let her think I can’t stand her touch. It’s better for both of us.

“I need some personal privacy. I can wait a little while, if we’re going someplace with a privy. Otherwise, we should stop soon.”

“We’ll sleep in an inn tonight.” After flicking my gaze up to the sky, I add, “We should be there within an hour.”

“Good. It’s been a while since I rode a horse. And Hilde’s pace isn’t as smooth as it probably once was. I’m a bit sore.”

She looks down at the nag she rode from the training grounds, stroking its neck with a little smile. That animal should hate her like it hates everyone else. It doesn’t, though. It seems to be fully committed to her already.

I still don’t know what prompted me to get the horse from Ulfhild. Some pathetic part of me needed the beast that spent two days with Sifa’s legs wrapped around her.

I’m so fucking weak.

Minutes pass in pleasant quiet before she speaks again.

“Are you going to talk to me at all, or are we going to ride in silence the whole way?”

“I enjoy the silence.”

“I don’t. And if I’m going to be stuck with you for days, you’ll need to speak to me.”

I steel my eyes before I turn to look at her. Reinforcing the barrier I’ve erected between us. Making sure my voice is cold, distant.

“No, I won’t,” I tell her at last. “We’re not going to get to know each other. We’re not going to talk about our lives or anything else. We will do this job for Bevin no closer to each other than we are now. Then we will go our separate ways. And we will never see each other again.”

I expect to see a bit of hurt in her dark eyes, not the anger that flashes there.

“I don’t want to get to know you, you arrogant ass,” she flings at me, spite in every word. “But I’ll be damned if I’m going to ride in silence for days . We’re stuck together. You don’t have to make it completely miserable.”

“It is miserable. For both of us. A little chatter won’t change that.”

“Oh my gods, you’re a bastard.” Her head spins forward, and she kicks her heels to nudge Hilde forward. Away from me. When they’re twenty or so feet in the lead, they settle into a walk, matching my speed to stay in front.

I smother the flames of emotion that start to stir inside. Regret that I have to cause her pain. Desire to comfort her, take away the angst and dislike of me that I’ve built inside of her. A wish we’d been born into a different time and place, that would let us explore our bond.

This is necessary , I remind myself. It’s the only way .

I’m so relieved to see the inn when it appears in front of us. It’s a slovenly place, but the kitchen will offer a hearty meal and the beds are clean. And I’ll finally get away from her. Her smell of lavender with the smallest hint of rosemary. The dark skin that looks soft and firm in all the right places. The eyes that reveal bits of her soul. The curls I’m desperate to touch. The leather pants cupping a perfectly-shaped ass that I need to hold.

I’ll be able to let go of my magic—the wall I must keep between us—while both of us are lost in sleep.

I let out a sigh of relief when the owner tells us they have two rooms.

“Thank the gods.” Sifa echoes my feelings. She smiles at the handsome woman and lifts a hand to gesture to me. “This one’s a miserable prick. I was dreading the thought of being stuck with him all night.”

The woman’s eyes narrow as she looks at me. “Happy to be of service,” she says at last.

I resist the urge to defend myself. What do I care what either of them thinks of me? “Where are the stables?” I ask instead. “Our horses need to be rubbed down and fed.”

“My men will take care of it,” she assures us. “Just leave them out front.”

I’d normally insist on doing it myself, but I need to get to my room.

I need to get away from Sifa.

She doesn’t make it easy. “Are we going to eat together?” she asks as she follows me down the hall toward our rooms. They’re too close together, but I can’t do anything about it.

“No,” I tell her. The fewer words between us, the better.

Reaching out, she takes my wrist, stopping me in my tracks. She places herself directly in front of me, inches between us, before speaking. I want to push her out of my way, but I don’t know whether I can trust myself if I touch her.

“I don’t know what this is about, why you hate me so, or why I can’t stand to be around you. But I do know we have a job to do. You better not screw it up because you refuse to talk to me.” She pauses, poking a finger into my chest as her gaze holds mine. “I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to be anything to you. But we need to learn to trust each other. At least a little. In this, even if in nothing else. So get over yourself.”

She spins to stalk down the hall, swinging her door open and slamming it behind her.

She’s right. I know it. This job won’t be easy. It’ll be impossible if we don’t figure out how to work together before we get there.

Tomorrow. I’ll deal with that tomorrow. Tonight, I just want to pretend she’s nowhere nearby and sleep.

I take a long bath, hoping it will give her time to eat before I go downstairs. But she seems to have done the same thing. She’s sitting alone at a small table when I get there, no hint of food in front of her. She sees me as I enter the room and narrows her eyes. If she could throw a dagger at me she would. And then she turns away to look toward the kitchen.

Resisting the urge to go back upstairs and return in a half hour, I take the only small table still available in the full room. It’s twenty feet from her, but it gives me a perfect view. I could spin the chair and stare at the wall instead, but I never give a full room my back. I’m stuck.

There are plenty of other people here. I can focus on them instead. But that’s even worse, I realize after a few minutes. This inn is a favorite spot for the Dróttning’s warriors. She’s never been one to like Valkyries in her service so there are few. The men who protect her, fight for her, come here for drinks and bedmates. And Sifa looks to be the only female who doesn’t charge for the pleasure she might bring.

It doesn’t help that she’s also the most stunning female in the room. By far.

She’s so fucking dangerous.

Every man has noticed Sifa. I can almost feel their heartbeats increase when they steal a glance at her. Which they do way too much.

Fuck . I can’t watch this.

I also can’t leave. Because if I do, I’ll spend the whole night wondering who Sifa chose.

Who’s trying to please her with his scrawny little penis.

Whose hands are on the body that belongs to me.

Wishing they could satisfy her in the way only I can.

Because she’s my gods-damned mate.

Even if I don’t like her.

And I’ll never have her.

I hate the gods right now, their cruel senses of humor. They’re probably watching us. Laughing at the chaos they’ve created.

When my stew arrives, I dig into it like I haven’t eaten in days, grateful for the distraction. My gaze keeps finding Sifa, eyeing the men who don’t try to hide their interest in her. At least none of them join her.

I’m waiting for my second serving when a tall, wide man rises from his seat, staring at Sifa. He’s not ugly, and I desperately wish he was. Sifa notices and gives him a small smile. His lips tip up at the encouragement, and he strides forward.

My blood pressure rises with every step. I can feel my savage struggling to break free, and I’m fighting again to rein him in. This was my first lesson. The one beaten into me over and over again until I became flawless.

Always, always keep a short leash on that primal part of me.

But I’ve never been tested like this. The mating bond transcends everything. It is elemental and when it snaps into place, it is in control. Those old lessons, the power I learned to wield, to dominate, mean nothing.

By the time the bastard sits down, leaning forward to say a few words to her, my hands have clenched into fists. I focus on them, forcing my fingers to relax, then pushing that feeling up my arms and through my body.

She’s not mine. I know that. I can’t control who she chooses.

The savage, though, doesn’t care about those niceties. He knows who Sifa is. That she’s ours. And he’s not willing to share.

When the stranger reaches over to take her hand and lift it toward his lips, I lose control. My magic slips out, slithering across the room to build a wall of disdain between them as I rise and stalk toward their table. Sifa leans back, flustered by the new feeling I’ve forced on her.

If I were a wise male, I’d leave well enough alone. Let my magic do what my body should not.

But I’m not wise. At least not where Sifa is concerned. I know that already.

“She doesn’t want company,” I say as I grab a chair from a nearby table and swing it to sit next to Sifa, straddling it with my arms on the back. I catch the male’s gaze, letting my savage roar through mine. “You should leave now, while you can.”

“What the fuck, Fhord?” Sifa’s angry.

My savage doesn’t care. “He’s bothering you,” I tell her as my gaze finds hers. “He needs to go,” I add with a smile.

“No, you need to go. He’s great. I was finally starting to enjoy myself on this trip.”

“It’s good I got here in time, then.” I turn back to him. “She’s with me. And I’m a dangerous male. This is your last chance to leave with all your teeth.”

“The lady seems to want my company, not yours.”

He’s not prepared for the fist that flashes toward him, aimed at the teeth I warned him he’d lose. His head flings back, a spray of blood flying out to sprinkle a nearby table. When those men jump up, hands on their weapons, I do the same. My back is against the wall, sword in my hand, before the stranger reaches up to find his front teeth missing.

“What the actual fuck, Fhord?” Sifa stands too, ripping off a scarf to hand it to him, but I grab it before she can. She spins toward me, eyes filled with storms and shadows. “What are you doing?”

“He cannot have any piece of you.”

“Why can’t I give him a scarf? Why in the names of all the gods would you care? We don’t like each other. At all. Remember?”

What can I say? She’s right. We both know it. But I’ll never be able to tell her why.

“We have a job to do,” I finally offer as a feeble excuse. “Neither of us can be distracted.”

“That is the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard.” She turns toward the male, an apology on her lips.

But he’s done with her. “Get your man under control,” he bellows before storming out.

And that’s all it takes to smother every bit of lust in this room. They all turn their heads away from us. As attractive as she is, Sifa isn’t worth the trouble to any of them.

My savage is howling, wallowing in his victory. Settle down , I tell him. We’ll pay dearly for this .

He doesn’t care.

Sifa snatches the scarf from my grip, spins on her heel, and stalks away. My savage wants to follow, but I’m in control again. Barely. I let her go, waiting long enough to be sure she’s made it to her room before I find my own.

My mind, though, won’t let go. Since the first time I saw her, I’ve been trying to strip her image from my fantasies. Sometimes I can. Usually, I can’t. Tonight, it’s impossible.

I didn’t want to, but my eyes kept finding her as she rode. Now I’ve memorized every curve of her body. Her perky tits, ready to be licked and sucked. Her tight ass, shaped like a heart waiting to be held and caressed. Her full lips, made to be kissed.

Those images won’t leave me. And I give in to them. At last.

Letting her fill my mind, I reach down and release the tie on my pants. I’m so fucking hard. Just the thought of her has me ready to explode.

I’ve never let myself do this with Sifa in my thoughts. I’ve always squelched the desire she triggers in me.

If I’m going to do it now, I want to savor it.

So I go slow, imagining her hands touching me. My dick twitches in response, anxious to feel her fingers wrap around it. I’m gentle as I reach for it. She’d start that way, I’m sure. Getting to know me. Exploring my cock as it grows for her.

In my dreams, I can feel her body too. My palms start on her breasts, holding them as I taste her for the first time. She’s sweet, exactly as I knew she’d be. I take my time with her, kissing my way toward her center, watching as she opens up for me, invites me to suck that most intimate part of her. My name’s on her tongue as two fingers reach inside to find the spot that will make her squeal.

Claim her as mine.

That’s as far as I can go with any shred of control. When dreams of her cunt fill my mind, I lose it. My cock needs release. I stroke myself faster, her picture in my mind the whole time. The feel of my hand sliding up and down, sending little fires into every part of me as her face fills my thoughts, is unlike anything I’ve experienced before. The pressure builds in the most agonizing way. And then it releases in a rush. I actually shudder as waves of pleasure roll through me.

It’s the best orgasm I’ve ever had, even with a female in my bed. Just the thought of Sifa—my stunning, infuriating, unattainable mate—excites and satisfies me more than any lover ever has.

But it can never be any more than this.

She’s not mine. She can’t be.

The cost would be too high.