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Chapter three

Sifa

And Yet Here I Am

“W e’re going where?” I glare at Ulfhild, astounded at what she’s asking of her girls. And me.

Already, a rock has dropped into my stomach, filling me with dread. I force my face back into the mask I wear with clients and throw back my shoulders. Ulfhild can’t see my fear.

“He pays well,” Ulfhild explains, as if that’s all the answer I need. “And I know a safe route.”

Another madam who cares more about money than her girls. Looks like Ulfhild will be a foe .

“There’s no safe route,” I insist. “The last time you sent a harem, three were caught. You paid dearly to retrieve them and even then, two nearly lost their lives. If they catch us this time, we’ll all be dead. The penalty allows no exceptions. You know that.”

Ulfhild’s eyes widen in surprise at the knowledge she didn’t know I possess. And then she smiles, her face settling into a look of cold calculation.

“You’ll be there to help make sure everyone is safe.”

I stare at her for a moment, evaluating her resolve. Finally, I dip my chin. She isn’t going to change her mind. Bevin wants me here, so I have no choice but to go where Ulfhild sends me.

This is not the northern Nest , I remind myself. I don’t have any reason to fear this place . And as much as I dread it, I need to go to Vanatia’s forbidden areas. The training grounds should have a library I can search. I’ve never had an opportunity like this.

I just wish my stomach agreed.

“Who’s going?”

“Liv will join this time. She knows well the rules to follow when dragons may be doing drills nearby.”

I spin my head to look at the woman who somehow feels like an ally, though we barely know each other. It’s unsettling. I have few friends and didn’t want another. Still, I feel strangely connected to her. She’s pale, holding her chin high but unable to hide its slight tremble as she wipes her hands down her skirt. Liv is just as terrified as me of sneaking into the outskirts of the southern training grounds, but she has no more choice than I do.

“Frida will be in charge,” Ulfhild continues. “She’s led this trip before. Ten other girls will join you, along with a few guards.”

“When do we leave?” I ask at last.

“Tomorrow morning. Bring clothes for a week.” Ulfhild pauses before asking, her voice skeptical, “Do you have dresses you can wear?”

“I will be exactly who I need to be,” I assure her as I leave.

I show up in the morning ready for travel—my extremely revealing gowns packed away where they belong for as long as possible—only to find all the girls looking like they plan to find extra jobs along the way.

“Why would they be dressed like this already?” I ask Ulfhild as I gesture toward the skin on display.

“We have a reputation to maintain,” she explains in her most peremptory tone. “Whenever we leave the house for work, we dress for the occasion.”

“And do you expect me to bare everything for this two-day trip? Where would I hide my knives?”

“You’ll need to get creative. I have great faith in you.”

Ulfhild spins and strides away, leaving me wondering why in the nine worlds I agreed to do this. I knew I’d need to conceal a dozen knives in odd places once we got there but didn’t expect I’d have to travel for two days with them hidden beneath a courtesan’s dress.

But if I need to look the part now, that’s what I’ll do. I spend the next fifteen minutes in the bathroom finding places for all my blades under one of the ridiculous outfits I brought with me. Finally, when I feel like I can sit down without spreading wide for all to see, I emerge and join the harem.

Within an hour after climbing into the small, rickety carriage, I need to pull the knives from my thighs. I can’t move with the sheaths constantly rubbing against my most sensitive parts, a pair of cocks poised to pick me apart from the inside out. Soon, the knives under my arms come off. And then the three along my back.

Liv and the others watch with increasing laughter as I give up one blade after another, stowing a few next to me and the rest in my bag. I hate feeling unprotected, especially if I’m stuck inside and can’t watch my surroundings.

We reach the inn after sunset, gratefully stepping out of the trap that held us. Next time, I’ll insist on a horse. I’ll dress as a man for the trip if I need to. That would be better than this ridiculous dress.

Dinner is good, at least. It helps tamp down the anxiety that’s been building in me all day, as we get closer to the training grounds. And it gives me a chance to watch everyone—the girls and their guards. Most seem comfortable, eager even, despite the destination. They’ve been before and know that usually the trip there and back is safe. The guards aren’t nearly attentive enough. Other guests watch us with interest. It wouldn’t take much to overwhelm the sentries in the food hall.

We pair up for the evening and I insist on sharing a room with Liv. I need to learn what she knows about dragon training grounds.

“Not much,” she insists, a shrug lifting her shoulders. “You know how secretive they are. At home, we’d see them sometimes during the day, when the senior riders take their dragons on security runs. We never saw anything else. Children’s lessons all include the importance of training secrecy. It’s drilled into us.”

“You don’t know why?

“I have absolutely no idea. It’s always seemed so strange to me. Why do they care so much that they’ll kill anyone who sees a dragon run drills, or even exercise. But they do. We lost my uncle to the penalty.” Liv looks down now, her back curving as her shoulders droop forward.

And I hate the Dróttning even more. She’s destroyed so many lives for so little cause.

“What do you know about our contact?” I ask after a moment.

“His name’s Knut and he’s part of the rider guard,” Liv explains as her gaze finds mine again. “His job is to serve the leaders of the training facility. He never asks us for anything. I think he wishes we brought some males with us, other than as guards,” she adds with a grin. “He arranges the entertainment for others. Ulfhild’s girls go every few months, but I’ve only been once before.”

“Did you learn anything helpful?”

“I wasn’t working for Bevin yet. This is my first time since then.”

“If it’s for the leaders, why do we have to sneak in and out? And why did some of the girls get caught on the last trip?”

“Oh, it’s not approved. The Konungr and Dróttning would have us all served to the Thunder if they knew.” She shivers, her gaze dropping to her lap. “The thought of being eaten by a dragon,” she adds under her breath before shaking her head and looking at me again. “The men are stuck there for months. Some spend time with other trainers, or maybe students, but most prefer our company. Men always do,” she says with a wink. “Knut makes sure Ulfhild’s girls come often enough to keep them happy with him.”

“What happened last time?” I ask, a tremble rolling down my spine at the reminder that we’re risking much by traveling to the training grounds without the Kastali’s consent. “How were the women caught?”

“They went for a birthday party. Someone important. It wasn’t the best time. The Dróttning’s guards were scheduled to visit a week later, and Knut didn’t want to bring the girls. He wasn’t given a choice. The birthday boy wanted entertainment. Then the guards showed up sooner than anyone expected.”

“How did they get away?”

“I don’t know for sure,” Liv tells me, “but I think Ulfhild paid off a guard. She may have killed another, who wouldn’t take coin for his silence.”

“Does Knut always bring in Ulfhild’s girls? Or does he use other houses sometimes?”

“It’s always us. I saw Frida and Knut together when I was there, and I’m sure they’re friends. They acted like they were close.”

I pause as a shiver rolls down my spine then expands out, filling me with the restlessness and unease that wrapped around me two days ago. The male I encountered in Revalle is here. I’m overwhelmed by a compulsion to find him that’s so strong, I have no choice but to follow it. But then it’s paired with the most intense repulsion I’ve ever felt, a blanket that would smother the pull toward him if I let it. A bitter taste erupts in my mouth as bile rises in my throat.

I’ve never experienced such discordant and overwhelming emotions, triggered by the same person.

“Is everything okay?” Liv’s question draws my gaze back to her, and I realize I’m staring at the door as if I might see the stranger if I focused hard enough. One eyebrow is raised, wrinkling her brow.

“Yes,” I murmur. “I just need to find something. Get some rest,” I add as I stand, swallowing a few times to stop myself from spewing all over her. “And thanks. I appreciate the information.”

“We’re in this together. Anything you need, just ask.”

“I still appreciate it,” I tell her, dropping one hand onto her shoulder with a light squeeze.

He’s moving away more quickly than I’d hoped. Grabbing a cloak, I open the door and check the hall. The rumble of patrons drinking—and everything else—floats toward me but I ignore it. The only sense that matters now is the one that will lead me toward his unexpected presence. My heart rate is increasing with my need to see him again.

I step out, my feet light enough to be hidden by the noise below, and follow my senses. I’m struggling to keep him within my grasp while I jog downstairs and toward the kitchen, my legs moving faster as I try to catch up. I feel a hint of his emotions—the anger that’s driving him. A desperation to get away from something.

Me.

The simple answer strikes me like a hammer.

He can sense me too.

He knows we’re connected.

And he wants to get away from me.

So now I must find him.

But he doesn’t want to be found. Within a few minutes, he disappears. And my heart drops to my stomach. I’ve been here a decade and never felt a power like that. One so tied to me. Suddenly, though, he’s dropped into my life twice in the span of a few days. It must mean something.

I wander the grounds for nearly an hour, finding nothing. Finally, I trudge back upstairs and fall into bed, exhausted. Tomorrow. I’ll search more tomorrow.

I don’t have time. The harem is scheduled to leave the inn at first light so I’m up early with the other girls, scarfing down the simple breakfast offered. Before the sun reaches the horizon, we’re on the road again.

Today is so much worse. We were able to stick with roads and well-trodden paths yesterday. Now, we’re too close to the training grounds for that. Hours before our arrival, our carriages leave the road behind, bouncing us along a little-used trail like balls in a cage.

By the gods, I hate traveling in this peculiar world.

After hours of struggling to hold down my breakfast, the carriage starts to slow, and then stops completely. I can hear whispers around us tinged in fear. My heart responds, quickening as it prepares to fight or flee. I start to stow my knives on various body parts again because I do not flee.

And then the presence appears again, moving in our direction at a snail’s pace. I’m not sure if he’s hesitant or taunting us. I’ll know soon enough. He’s no longer trying to avoid me.

“I can’t stay here,” I whisper to the girls in the carriage. I manage to keep the hint of desperation out of my tone, stating my intent in a matter-of-fact way that doesn’t reveal my need to see him again. “Something’s here that I have to understand, so I can help protect you and the other girls.”

“You’re supposed to stay with us,” Liv reminds me. “You’ll be safer if you just pretend to be a bedmate, don’t let them see that you can fight.”

“I’ll be safer out in the open, where I can do whatever’s necessary to protect you.” I reach toward the door but then pause for a moment to turn toward Liv. “I promised to keep you all safe. This is how I keep that promise.”

Her gaze holds mine for a moment but she finally nods. “Be careful,” she says as I open the door and step out into the cool afternoon.

We’ve journeyed far inland and are surrounded by trees, the paltry path we’re following a haphazard ribbon tossed between them with no discernible purpose. The guards stand around the carriages, hands on the hilts of their swords as their gazes scan the forest, searching for whatever approaches.

And then we see them. They wear the clothes and colors of the royal house—thick black breeches tucked into boots that are even darker, tunics in the blood red the Dróttning loves with sable straps across their chests for the swords on their backs. But this group seems less disciplined somehow. It’s as if they’re the candidates who didn’t make it through soldier school.

Approaching us with an informality the Dróttning would despise, the apparent leader steps forward. But I don’t make the mistake of confusing her nonchalance with weakness. She’s a warrior, fierce and strong, with short brown hair and piercing hazel eyes.

“Why do you travel these roads?” The woman’s voice is firm, demanding.

A girl I don’t know well—Frida, I think—steps forward. I sense no fear. Ulfhild chose her for a reason.

“Thank the gods you’ve found us,” she says in a tone rich with relief. “We found ourselves on this miserable road this morning.” She raises a peremptory finger to point at one of the drivers. “He swore he knew the route, but here we are. Will you lead us back to the road?”

“You’re lost?” the leader asks, her lip quirking with her skepticism. “You ask us to believe you’ve trekked more than two vikus away from the main road by accident?”

Frida turns to sneer at her chosen scapegoat— she’s playing the aggrieved traveler to perfection —then looks again at the woman whose soldiers bar our path.

“He’s so stubborn,” she explains, her voice dripping with frustration. “I told him we were going the wrong way, but he insisted on taking us down this rut of a path. Our Madam will be so angry with him.”

“He’s led you toward a place you may not be. This land belongs to the Kastali. The punishment for entry is death. Perhaps we should take him to the Konungr and Dróttning for drawing you down such a dangerous path.” The woman’s lips still twist. She knows Frida’s lying, but we haven’t entered the training grounds yet—I think—so she’s not quite ready to condemn us all.

“Our Madam would be even angrier if we lost him,” Frida explains, her voice taking on a plaintive note. “He’s her brother, so she cares for him, tries to make him feel useful when she can. Perhaps you know of her? Meistara Ulfhild.”

The woman smiles. It doesn’t reach her eyes. “Of course we know of Meistara Ulfhild. All do. But that does not give her leave to send her bedmates into forbidden lands. There still must be a punishment.”

Before Frida can respond, the woman’s chin lifts and her gaze turns to the nearby forest. The presence that seems to be following me is racing straight toward us now. And I’m torn, my gut clenching with a dread I can’t explain. I’ll finally get to talk to the male who has run from me twice. I need to be here, to understand how we’re connected, but my instincts scream at me to get away. Fast. My stupid stomach has twisted for no reason at all.

I stomp down those frantic parts of me. I’m not going anywhere.

Everyone’s quiet, watching the woman in charge as she waits. Long seconds drag by.

When he emerges from the forest, my breath catches in my throat. He’s every bit as magnificent as I remembered—tall and strong and dangerous. Now that he’s closer, I can see the tattoos that were too far away to notice in Revalle. Hints of them appear on his hands and neck, but the rest are hidden. An irrational, reckless part of me suddenly wants nothing more than to take off any piece of clothing necessary to follow those lines and swirls wherever they lead. Preferably with my tongue.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me.

His gaze should be focused on our guards. It’s not. Instead, he stares directly at me as his horse carries him into our midst—eyes sparkling emeralds sitting in beds of dark lush lashes. Not once does he look away.

And then he sneers.

He knows it too. We could destroy each other if we let ourselves get too close.

Finally, he turns to the woman. “Let them go,” he commands, his horse pawing at the ground and prancing, as if it needs nothing more than to run.

“But they are forbidden to be here,” she responds, her voice surprised.

“I don’t give a fuck. Let them go.”

My heart beats a dozen times while she watches him, confusion in her eyes. And then she bobs her chin and turns to the rest of the warriors. “Retreat,” she tells them.

They all bow slightly and spin their horses around. Within a minute they’ve disappeared into the forest.

He shifts in his saddle to again hold my gaze.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he tells me. His ominous tone sparks an emotion I barely recognize, a mix of anticipation and anguish.

“And yet, here I am.” Foolish, I know, but I can’t back down from him. Not now. Not ever.

“I’ve given you a chance to disappear. Take it.”

And then he tugs the reins and nudges the horse with his heels. It doesn’t need a second request. Leaping forward, it launches itself after his soldiers. They head away from the training grounds, leaving our path open if we decide to take it.

Nearly a minute passes before anybody moves or speaks. And then Liv opens the carriage’s window to look at me, one brow lifting as she grins widely. “What was that about?”

I take a deep breath, finally getting control of a heart that’s been racing since I saw him. “I don’t know.” It’s true. I have absolutely no idea what just happened between me and that male.

“He never looked away from you. Not once.”

“He glanced at me and knew I’m no bedmate,” I deflect, rolling my eyes as I force a smile.

“Sure,” Liv responds, her voice dripping with sarcasm as she looks me up and down. “Really, what was that about?”

“I honestly don’t know, Liv,” I insist, focusing on my hands, which seem determined to fidget. I always control every part of my body , I remind myself. This body does not fidget . “I’ve never met him before today,” I add after a moment, ignoring our first encounter. “You know exactly as much as I do.”

“Well, whatever it was,” Frida interjects, “it was a gift from the gods. That woman didn’t believe us. He gave us a chance to get away—one that we should take. We can still make it by the end of the day if we go fast.”

Her words seem to unlock an urgency with the rest of the group. As one, we race to our carriages and horses. Within a few minutes, we’re bouncing along toward the one place in this part of the country that we are forbidden to go.