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"????????????????????"

???????

"Good now?" Nazara asked me as I approached the poker table.

I hummed tightly, "Very good," I mumbled, even if it felt like I could actually scream.

Sevan makes me so angry.

"Get up," I suddenly said to Nazara, immediately making her brows raise, "We leave now."

"Koslov—"

"I don't repeat myself," I said, turning away from the table, knowing she would follow along behind me.

And judging by the click of her heels that echoed behind me, I was entirely accurate.

Blyat.

It feels like a fucking circle with Sevan, and maybe I got myself into this one but if Mireya—

Fucking Mireya.

Hadn't been even a hundred feet near her there wouldn't be an issue.

Now we're back to the same games.

I motioned my head, allowing Nazara to slide into the backseat of the SUV first before I slid in behind her.

And as soon as we were settled—my driver gently closed the door behind us.

I didn't bother wasting any time sliding the partition up and awarding us both a moment of privacy.

And as soon as the car rolled forward, I made the initiative to straddle Nazara's lap—tugging at the hem of her dress.

Which earned a hum of acknowledgment from her, especially when I felt the lace material of her underwear.

I know she wore them just for me.

I can tell by the way she's staring at me.

I suddenly glanced away from her eyes—a different shade of brown than I was accustomed to.

"Don't look at me," I mumbled almost in irritation, slipping my fingers past her underwear.

And it seems my words had only turned Nazara on, clearly enjoying being degraded like this.

I could tell by the way she arched into me—or better yet the wetness my fingers came into contact with.

I stiffened as soon as I felt her bury her face into the crook of my neck, feeling the softness of her lips on my skin.

But it only evoked the worst feelings inside of me.

Ones that made me want to shove her way.

Blyat.

Blyat.

Don't do it.

Don't pull away.

If you pull away then Sevan will win and—

"I am bored," I sighed, pulling my fingers away from where she wanted me most.

But I swear I had never felt so fucking relieved to stop fucking someone before I had even begun.

"What?" Nazara said, her voice still breathless as I slid off of her.

I lazily raised my brows as I grabbed some hand sanitizer, "I take you back to venue," I said as I poured the hand sanitizer into my hands and rubbed them together.

"Koslov you can't do this. I'm still turned on and—"

"We go back to venue," I bluntly cut her short, now reaching over to press the button and roll down the partition.

"Wow fuck you," Nazara mumbled as soon as I instructed my driver to turn around.

I lazily sighed, leaning against the door with impatience for her presence to finally be gone.

And luckily we had barely made it a few miles from the venue, so Nazara was out of the backseat in no time.

But not without saying a few harsh words that I unconsciously tuned out.

She's clearly more mad than me and I'll leave her like that.

My night plans had quickly shifted from poker to spending my night back at my compound, feeling as if I had fucking failed for everything I stood for.

It left me silent, unable to say anything to Nikolai or Ivan.

Who both seemed accustomed to my moments of silence.

But this one was different.

And I think they both know that.

I just feel... confused.

I never feel this way.

I never decline a good fuck either.

And I also think...

I think...

I might miss her?

Do I miss her?

I only recall this feeling when my father would be out of town for business.

And I think that means I miss her.

It might also mean that I don't hate her.

I think I annoyingly enjoy her company.

Right?

Or else I wouldn't miss her.

So where does that fucking leave me?

I let out a deep sigh as I turned the shower on, deciding to turn off my phone that no longer rang with calls.

Although I had a few missed notifications that came through while I was with Nazara in that backseat.

But I didn't want to call Sevan back.

Not while I'm in this state.

I need to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.

???????

The next morning I snuck out before everyone had woken up.

Mostly because I didn't sleep that night and was itching to get out of the compound.

Which left me at the familiar cafe where I had previously been drugged and kidnapped all courtesy to Sevan.

However, the barista who had done it wasn't working.

And I'm not sure I would kill her if she were.

Mostly due to my lack of energy.

Which leads me to believe that I'm fucking broken.

Sevan got what she wanted in the end.

I clenched my jaw as I took another sip of the black coffee, glancing out of the windows of the cafe that was slowly starting to get busy.

It was now five in the morning, and I swear sleep felt like the last fucking thing on my mind.

All I could do was sip on my hot coffee and watch everything slowly fade around me.

Specifically, the dark sky that bloomed with the bright sunrise I openly stared at.

I sat there for hours, losing track of time given I refused to look at my phone.

I knew Sevan was at least one of the notifications making my phone continuously buzz.

Luckily I had a few peaceful moments until lunch hour struck—that's when my phone began to continuously buzzed.

But I remained stuck almost like a statue refusing to move.

Refusing to rip apart my thoughts and make them make sense.

But eventually, I had to check my phone.

I had to ensure my empire wasn't crumbling at my lack of focus.

A deep sigh fell from my lips as my eyes danced across my lock screen.

Which was only filled with calls and texts from Sevan.

And I couldn't help but read what she had sent, wondering where her head was at.

I glanced further down, noticing her new messages.

I drew in a deeper breath, now reading her most recent messages.

I stared at her last text a little longer, weirdly feeling a warmth grow around me at her concern.

Is she concerned?

Da, of course she's concerned—it's clear in her texts.

That I still don't want to answer.

I just... I want a few more moments with myself.

I don't want to move.

But she knows this cafe so...

I suddenly slid out of the booth with a deep sigh, trying to decide what I would do next.

Or where I would go.

I needed to be alone somewhere Sevan or anyone else wouldn't suspect.

A hotel.

I go to hotel and pick random floor to stay on.

I nodded a few times at my thoughts, making my way out of the cafe.

And given the circumstances, I decided to walk to the nearest hotel a few blocks away.

A chauffeured SUV is too obvious for my liking.

Luckily, the nearest hotel was still very nice—five-star I assume by the way it looked.

The marble floors, grand chandeliers, and rustic wood finishes make it clear that this is more of a historic hotel.

And given my current goal to remain under the radar, I chose a hotel room on a lower floor.

Well, not that low.

It was still on the fifteenth floor.

But the highest one was thirty so that's still pretty low I think.

Either way, I felt content in the large hotel room, deciding to take a shower first.

Maybe it will help clear my mind.

So I turned the water onto the highest setting, stripping my clothes off before walking into the shower.

The hot water almost immediately soothed and burned my skin all at once, but I basked in it as I buried my face under the water.

I stood there for a countless amount of time.

Before I reached for the small complimentary soaps.

That smelled like fresh lavender.

For once I used the random shampoo and conditioner in my hair, deciding to use the unscented body soap too.

I'm normally very selective about using my own things, but this time feels like an exception.

Once I stepped out of the shower, I decided against pulling my dress and stockings back on.

Instead, I grabbed one of the fluffy white robes and pulled it on, tying it around my body as I walked back into the hotel room.

Next was food—room service sounded perfect.

I settled for my favorite borsch soup and ordered a fresh caesar salad as well.

I also might've ordered a few different pieces of cake.

It almost felt like pity cake in a way.

Emotions... these emotions specifically feel very weird.

I feel heavy.

I also feel regretful?

I do not like how last night went.

All of this is unlike me.

And I do not like it.

But at the same time...

It feels almost relieving to feel something cut so deep for once.

To react to something when normally I wouldn't.

Which leaves me conflicted.

But I decided to leave my inner conflict at bay once my food arrived, focusing on stuffing my face with as much as I possibly could.

I turned on random cartoons, opting for something much more childlike and comforting.

Which only reminded me of Arina.

I think I enjoy Arina's company too.

Blyat.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

How can I ever lead like my father if I can't hold my head above all this mundane nonsense?

This is Sevan's fault.

It's all her fault and I—

I let out a deep sigh, dropping the fork on the plate as I leaned back in the bed.

These stupid thoughts.

I can't do these stupid thoughts anymore.

It's too much.

I shook my head as I rested my hands on my face, now feeling uncomfortably full as I laid in a bed lingering with plates of half-eaten dishes.

Although, I had finished all of the cake.

I was hoping it would distract me and now it has done the opposite.

I think I will be sick.

My stomach is beginning to ache.

I suddenly laid up from the bed, feeling my mouth naturally salivate.

I shouldn't have eaten so fucking much.

Why did I eat so much?

I shook my head yet again as I stood up from the bed, feeling my nausea triple.

But I was quickly distracted from it when I heard the hotel door suddenly click.

I furrowed my brows, assuming I was officially hallucinating.

Until the door suddenly pushed open in the blink of an eye—immediately revealing Sevan.

She looked as usual in her usual leather jacket and jeans—her dark hair gelled back out of her sharp face.

"I have been all over fucking Moscow looking for you, Zinovia," Sevan said, her tone nothing but tight with me as she walked further into the room—letting the hotel door fall shut.

I shook my head almost wordlessly, taking another step forward.

"Now you have nothing to say?" Sevan said as she stopped in front of me, "Because I have a lot to fucking say—for starters you answer me when I text you."

I drew in deeper breaths, letting them out as I tried to steady my erratic heartbeat.

This isn't a stomach ache.

"Zinovia," Sevan suddenly said, her tight voice suddenly calmer with me.

But she sounded just as serious, especially with her dark eyes carefully analyzing my face.

"What is it?" she asked, closing the small space between us, "Talk to me."

But it was too late—the warm bile shot up my throat, spilling out of my mouth before I could process it.

Fucking great.