Page 21 of Right the Wrongs (Broken Vows #5)

Chapter Fifteen

Wren - Present

It’s one of those mornings that’s so still and quiet that you just have to go out and experience it.

For once, I’m the first one awake. Don’t get me wrong, I love the way Griffin wakes me up.

When his hand slides into the waistband of my shorts or under my tank top, and he strokes and teases me until I’m vibrating with need for him.

But this morning, I just want to enjoy the stillness. My children are all tucked in their beds, where they will stay for at least the next hour. The morning light is weak as it filters through the clouds. Everything is peaceful. Even the birds haven’t decided to start singing yet.

The air is crisp when I step outside with a cup of coffee. I know that Griffin likes to stand out here and watch the world wake up. Since I couldn’t sleep, I thought I’d follow his lead and give it a try.

I’m hoping that the sun will evaporate the lingering anxiety I feel after a long night of bad dreams, along with the dew covering the grass. I think the coffee is doing a better job than the sun, though. With each sip, I wake up a little bit more, and the details of my dreams grow fuzzy.

What remains is still enough to make my hands tremble.

I tell myself that other people have survived worse.

Somehow, that doesn’t erase the years of neglect, verbal abuse, and self-loathing I endured during my marriage to Liam.

But what played in my head the most over the eight hours I tossed and turned is the night everything became too much and I took a broken shard of mirror to my wrist.

I’ve worked so hard to forget the absolute despair I felt that night, but apparently some part of my mind held on tightly to it.

I set down my mug on the rail and wrapped my other hand around my wrist to try and stop the memory of the burning pain I felt as my skin ripped open.

I can almost feel the heat and stickiness of the blood like I did that night.

My ears still ring with every insult he ever said. All the ways he tore me down when I was already on my knees. I can’t un-hear that, just like I can’t unsee him screwing my former best friend in the backseat of a car that I bought him.

I’m not sure what bothers me more, all the memories I’m currently overwhelmed by, or the fact that after all these years, I can still feel that sad girl who clung on to a boy who didn’t deserve her. It makes me feel weak knowing that he can still hurt me, and confused because I don’t know why.

I love Griffin. No, I’m in love with Griffin.

There isn’t a single cell in my body that longs for the life I thought I’d have with Liam, and yet I find that I’m bothered by watching how different he’s been since we parted.

I got used to it, but it’s always been in there, whispering that there’s something wrong with me.

And every day, even if it is deep down, I’ve lived with the fear that Griffin will come to the same conclusion.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

I jump at hearing Liam’s voice. For a second, I think I might still be trapped in the nightmare loop I fell into after going to sleep, but there he is, standing about fifteen feet away, and not the twenty-four-year-old version of him either.

None of my dreams had him in his mid-thirties with subtle lines around his eyes.

I nod, because what is there to say? It wasn’t a question, just a statement of fact. I have been avoiding him. He might not know me as well as he used to, but even a casual acquaintance could have figured out that.

“I know I was a dick the day I went to rehab. I am sorry about the things I said to you,” he says. I believe he means it.

Doesn’t change anything, though.

I stand there, nodding my head over and over, as if a thought would shake free. “Do you ever wonder why it’s always me you’re apologizing to like this?” My voice is soft, almost a whisper.

Liam shoves his hands into his pockets, and his shoulders hunch forward. “I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I’m going to have a lot of apologizing to do to Claudia. That’s if she’ll ever talk to me again.”

“I hope she gives you a second chance,” I tell him.

“You didn’t.”

My lips purse. “Did you have sex with her best friend?”

“No,” he says, sounding incredulous.

“Then you’re already doing better than you were during our marriage. Did you call her names? Forget her birthday two years in a row? Did you throw things at her when you got pissed off? Or did you steal money from her, commit identity theft, and take out loans in her name?”

He yanks his hands out of his pockets and shoves them through his hair. “Holy Fuck, Wren, have you been hanging on to all of that for the last decade?”

“Comes as a surprise to me, too,” I tell him.

He exhales a frustrated sound. “How do we get past this? I was deep inside my addiction when I did all of those things, and I’ve apologized. What more can I do?”

“Can you tell me why? Tell me what was so different about me? I know you haven't done half of the things to Claudia that you did in our marriage, so what was it about me? You’ve been drinking, probably abusing pain killers again, right?”

He nods, but doesn’t say anything.

“Okay, so then you can’t blame everything on your addiction. You’re just as addicted this time as you were then. Besides being older, the only difference is who you’re married to. You want us to leave this in the past?”

He nods again. “Yeah, I do. No offense, but I have bigger problems than how I hurt your feelings ten years ago. Going down this road isn’t going to help me right now.”

“What about Claudia and the kids?” I ask him.

His eyebrows scrunch together. “I miss them. I want my family back. It’s too quiet in this house. I need them.”

“And what do they need, Liam? See, the problem as I see it is, you’re still the same person who treated me the way you did. Unless you can answer why for both of us, I’m afraid this toxic cycle will just keep spinning.”

I turn around and stroll back inside the house. There’s a petty part of me that’s rejoicing for dropping truth bombs on him like I just did and then leaving while having the last word. That feeling lasts about as long as it takes me to walk from the mudroom and into the large open kitchen.

Griffin stands in front of the coffee maker. Both of his arms are taut, the veins bulging with the effort he’s using to grip the granite surface. His head hangs down, and his dark, wavy hair is just long enough to hang over his eyes.

I know he hears me come in, but he doesn’t turn around.

I’m frozen in place, waiting for him to acknowledge me. When he finally speaks, his voice is low, gravely, and has a little of the meanness it used to when he would speak to me.

“Tell me something, this entire time, have I just been the next best thing? I’m not your first love, but fuck, I made him, so I’m close enough? I worship you, Baby Bird, you know I do, but I won’t live the rest of my life wondering if you always wished I were someone else.”

I take a step toward him, but he pushes away from the counter. “Not now. I need some air,” he says and storms out the front door. His truck growls to life a minute later, and just like that, he’s gone.

I sit down at the table and wonder how all of this happened. In just a few minutes, my solid foundation fractured, and now everything I’ve built my life on is swaying on an unstable platform.

I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting there in a fog. I won’t cry, though. I’ve got enough presence of mind to remember that my kids are upstairs.

Charlie and Scott come bursting through the back door, startling me out of my shocked daze.

Charlie is looking around the house like he’s trying to find the danger, then sees the look on my face, and he drops into the chair in front of me. Scott just stands in the doorway as if he’s waiting for orders.

“Fuck. I’ve been wondering when Liam being home would cause problems.” He jerks his head toward the door. “Go ahead and get ready. Take care of yourself for now, and I’ll go find Griffin. I’m pretty sure I know where he is anyway.”

Charlie jerks his thumb over his shoulder toward Scott. “The kid will take the little ones to school.”

“Sounds good,” I agree, mostly just happy to have someone take charge. This is all too much for me. It’s been seventeen years since my parents died, and I want my mom so bad right now, it’s like I just lost them.

“I’ll just go get the baby,” I continue.

Scott crosses the room and puts his hand on my shoulder. “I’ll get her. She can ride with me to take her sister and brothers to school.”

I want to argue with them. Tell them both that I’m not made of glass, and I have survived much worse, but I bite my tongue.

It occurs to me that though I’ve endured the loss of my parents, my marriage to Liam, and even how big of an asshole Griffin used to be, I’m not sure I’ve healed from any of those things.

I’m tired of just surviving. I want to thrive.

“Okay,” I agree, and grab my purse.

I’m in total disheveled mom mode. My hair looks like I’m housing birds, and I’m wearing oversized sweats and a large t-shirt. I’m too drained to care. “I know just where I need to go.”

Scott takes my purse from me. “Unless that place is upstairs to your bathroom, no, you don’t.”

Charlie nods his head several times. “Somewhere under all this—” he flaps his hands in front of me, “—bog wench, is the hot younger woman who holds my best friend by the short and curlies. How about you go and find her? You’ll feel a lot better when the sight of you doesn’t scare small children.”

My mouth falls open, and I look to Scott to see if he agrees with Charlie. He winces, not a great sign.

“I wouldn’t say you scare small children, exactly. Unless they’ve heard the story of Hansel and Gretel. Then maybe they’d be a bit leery of you.”

“I guess it is pretty early to go drop in on people,” I mumble.

“There you go. No need to wake someone up and scare them all in one go. Especially if I’m right and you’re going to see Dolores. You can’t frighten old people like that.”

“You are old people,” I grumble under my breath as I walk out of the room.

I think I say it quietly enough until I hear Scott snort a laugh. I’m sure Charlie will have some kind of payback for that.