Page 47 of Revelry (Cowgirls Do It Better #2)

He whistled low. “Oh boy, I’m tempted. But no, this is actually to help you. It’s a little unorthodox but I’m hoping you’ll trust me.” He nodded towards the seat again and I reluctantly settled into place.

He drove us out through the town towards the mountains. The temperature was cool but it was sunny, the perfect kind of weather if you ask me.

We drove for about half an hour. Neil didn’t ask me any questions, didn’t initiate any conversation, and I was grateful.

My mind was empty, I was exhausted and didn’t think I could dig deep enough to be sociable.

Even though I’d found it easier since spending time with Gertrude, now I was without her, everything felt too hard.

Eventually Neil pulled off the road and parked in the brush.

We got out and instead of speaking, Neil grabbed a big backpack from the truck and began walking.

I followed blindly, figuring this would all make sense eventually.

We trekked through the trees until we reached a clearing with a huge artificial rock wall.

Instantly, I began to sweat.

“What are we doing here, Neil?” I asked, my gaze darting around.

“Me and my buddies come out here to practice rappelling.” He dropped the backpack and looked up at the wall.

I glanced back towards where we’d parked. “That’s nice. So why am I here?”

“Because you’re going to have a breakthrough today. Even if I have to force one.” He shot me a grin.

My heart thudded in my chest. “No.”

“Yes.”

“No, Neil. Heights are a hard no.”

“Yes, Tate. Or I leave you here.”

I turned around and started walking, my sneakers kicking up the dead leaves.

“That was Gertrude, wasn’t it?” Neil called after me, but I ignored him. “Damn, she’s a beautiful woman. I wonder how long it’ll be until someone else asks her out?”

I gritted my teeth and plowed on. I knew what he was trying to do.

“I might even ask her out. She’s a little young for me but that’s fine. She’ll keep me youthful and active.”

I huffed and my steps faltered but I kept going.

“I’ll start making a list of all the fun things we can do together.”

That did it.

Only me and Gertrude had a Fagenda.

I rounded on him and started making my way back, ready to tear into him until I saw the look of satisfaction on his face. It stopped me cold.

“Let’s do this, Tate. We can cross off a big hitter on the ERP scale.” Neil jerked his head towards the wall. “Trust me.”

I paused. I don’t trust people was practically my slogan.

Except recently every time Gertrude had asked me to trust her, I had.

And everything had worked out fine. Had worked out amazing, in fact.

She had always done right by me, given me what I needed, and I knew that’s what Neil was trying to do now.

He gestured to the bottom of the wall and I followed him over, my knees practically wobbling as I walked. Neil started climbing and I glanced up, and up, my throat drying.

“You think Gertrude would like to do something like this? Something adventurous?” Neil called down when he saw I hadn’t moved.

Asshole.

I growled in frustration then reached out, my hands shaking, palms sweating and slowly began my climb. I didn’t look down, didn’t think about anything except Gertrude and eventually I reached the top. I had to pause and collect myself before I stepped out onto the platform.

“Come on, Tate. You’ve already done it, you just don’t realize the hardest part is over,” Neil said. He was hunched down next to me, holding out a hand, ready to help me onto the platform. I pushed out a shaky breath. He was wrong though. The hardest part would be whatever I had to do to get down.

I gripped his hand and he pulled me onto the platform.

Moments passed while I collected myself, trying to give myself a pep talk, Gertrude style, to stay calm.

I glanced around the woods, the trees looked amazing from so high up and I was immediately reminded of Gertrude’s late night tree climbing habit and our chats.

The breeze gently wafted their pine scent towards me.

The birdsong broke the silence and yet somehow made everything better.

Neil went through the motions of setting up the harness and talked me through which ropes were which.

I tried to shut out what was happening, my fingers itching to click and ground myself but I knew this was what I was trying to beat and I held off.

My nerves screamed at me to do it but I shut them out and focused on one thing.

The look on Gertrude’s face when I told her all about this.

“Now I want you to think about everything that is holding you back from living a peaceful, happy life.” Neil began, then pointed at the ground.

“And you’re not going to come down from here until you decide what kind of man you want to be and what kind of life you want to live by the time you reach the bottom. ”

My mind was running at a million miles an hour as I looked over the edge and saw just how fucking far down that was. My stomach flipped and I jolted like I was already falling.

“You hear me, Tate?”

My pulse pounded in my ears, my vision blurring. “Yeah, I hear you.”

“I’m going to be by your side, we’ll do this together. But I mean it, Tate, you’ve got to really do this, you owe it to yourself. And to her.”

I stood at the edge, closing my eyes and blowing out deep breaths to try and center myself. It wasn’t working. I was shaky and on edge which didn’t bode well for my descent. I need to break out of this. Needed to channel my thoughts.

What kind of man did I want to be? I didn’t even know.

“Tate?” I heard Neil’s voice from next to me. He was leaning off the edge, his feet pressed against the wall as he hung, swaying in the breeze. He sounded too far away. I chanced a look over the edge and immediately panicked.

“I want you to think hard,” Neil said.

I don’t know how long I stood there, paralyzed by fear, staring down at the ground below.

But then I realized exactly that. I was frozen by fear in my life.

That’s why I needed Gertrude in the first place, I needed her to show me how to live.

To push me past the realms of comfort and into truly living.

And now I needed to figure it out for myself.

“What kind of man are you going to be when you get down there, Tate?” Neil called. “I want you to shout it out.”

“That’s stupid.”

“I know, but do it anyway.”

“I want…” My throat clogged. “I want to be secure.”

“Good, that’s good! What else?”

I wracked my brain. “I want to trust people.”

“Well, this is a good start, hopefully,” he said, then swung over to pat me on the back.

When I didn’t say anything else, Neil urged me on.

I swallowed hard around the words clogging my throat. “I don’t want to be angry anymore. Or bitter.”

“With your parents?”

“Yeah.”

“So then maybe something you should do when you get down there is think about crossing off the highest trigger on your ERP list; having a conversation with your father?”

Gertrude had said the same thing. Maybe I was being too stubborn?

Maybe I did need to talk to my father and hear his side.

Maybe then I could finally get some closure and move on?

My stepbrother’s face flashed into my mind, the picture of hurt when I rebuffed him at the fair.

And the other times I’d seen him, he’d been sullen, like a normal teenager but there had been a spark of hope about him. Maybe he wanted more from me?

My stomach lurched. “I want…I want to be a brother.”

My hands tightened on the rope, I was beginning to feel lightheaded from being up so high, and the adrenaline rush, but I could feel the tension lifting from my shoulders as I made the choice to begin letting go of my anger. My bitterness. My feelings of worthlessness.

Someone had found me worthy. And I’d treated her like shit.

I needed to apologize to her. Beg for her forgiveness because now I’d had her in my life, taking up space and filling it with so much joy, I couldn’t imagine life without her. I couldn’t wait to tell Gertrude about this. Her laughing face flashed into my mind, making me smile.

“I want to be strong enough for Gertrude, to give her what she needs. And I don’t want to let her go again.

I want to be the man she can rely on and trust to look after her.

I want to give her love, fun and family.

And I want friends. I’ve enjoyed having friends!

And socializing!” The more I reeled off, the more excited I grew about my future.

“These are great! Are you ready to go down?”

My heart thudded. Was I? I kind of liked being up here, epiphany after epiphany ricocheting through me. “Not yet.”

He gave me a thumbs up. “That’s okay, I’ll wait for you.”

I stayed up here for longer, just thinking about everything. My life was so much better these last few months because I’d started to let go. Because Gertrude had shown me how to be and I had enjoyed my time with her more than anything. I couldn’t bear the thought of being without her.

The last few weeks had been empty, more than it had been before she bounded back into my life. She filled it up with her big curls, big laugh and big love. Her swirling chaos that I wanted to get swept away in forever.

I wasn’t looking for love. Had never thought I would look for love again after my experiences. But Gertrude’s love was given so generously, so freely, that it was completely different.

It was a warm glow in my chest whenever she tossed a smile at me, or sent me a thousand messages when just one would do.

When she tried to make me laugh, when she made allowances for my triggers and gently eased them.

I wanted to see what life had in store for her and have a front row seat to all her achievements.

All these things filled me up and made me whole.

And I didn’t want to be without that anymore.

Eventually the sun started to lower and the sky took on a pinky glow and I shuffled forward, my heart pounded because that drop was still big. But I took a breath, my fingers itched to click but I ignored them.

I glanced at Neil, who had patiently waited on the edge for me to be ready to do this. I nodded at him once and he grinned. And together, we pushed off from the edge.