Page 4 of Resistance Training

brAD

Today’s Intention: Fuck it.

FUEL: Fuck.

FIRE: Shit.

FORTRESS: Fuck!

FRACTURES: Fuck. It’s nothing but fractures this morning. Aubrey Sparks DMed me a photo attachment last night.

Here’s what she wrote: “This is Vivi after she got dumped by her asshat boyfriend. The one she moved to Portland with. I drove down to see her. She was so depressed. Like she was after you ghosted her. I managed to get a picture of her when she was laughing. I think she looks so beautiful here. It’s the first time I’d seen her laughing like that in years, and it was because I did my impression of Betty White doing that dance like in the GIF.

It didn’t last, because I can only do that dance for so long when I’m sober.

The only thing that I think would make her truly happy is seeing you again.

Because I think that you’re the reason she’s truly sad.

And if it’s my fault that you were both hurt, then I don’t know that I’ll ever be truly happy even though I just got engaged tonight. ”

I mean.

Well played, Vivian’s sister. Well played.

I might have an opening. What’s the point of building this fortress if I don’t test it against the person I’ve been building it for?

Every time that fucking Twilight movie comes up as a suggestion on Netflix my stomach seizes up. That movie will never not remind me of Vivian and everything that happened. I shouldn’t be having a response like that. I need to confront this, or else I’m a fraud.

I need to prove to myself that I’m strong and in control in every way that I need to be.

But what if I get one look at her in person and forget why I’ve been building my fortress in the first place?

This is my entire life.

I can’t risk throwing it all away now.

But fuck.

Maybe this is the fire I need to take me to the next level.