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wes

T he pool was icy, like needles stabbing my exposed skin, and I welcomed it. One arm swung overhead, slicing the water like a knife, and pushed through it as my other arm rose to do the same. Each stroke burned, and the longer I held my breath, the more my lungs ached for air.

But I didn’t care.

I pushed through, going another several yards before lifting my head out of the water to inhale fresh oxygen, and then dropped back under again.

Memories berated me.

I watched her fall, felt fear seize my entire system like never before. She was going to die. The rocks would impale her. They said the fall was fatal. She couldn’t swim. Even if she could—her clothes, the gear—it would act like an anchor, dragging her to the bottom. She was dead.

I kept swimming, pushing myself harder than ever before, the memories acting like fuel. My lungs screamed for air, but I ignored them, kicking harder, swimming faster until I had to inhale again.

I jumped. It didn’t matter to me that she had chosen Matias.

I didn’t care. Because what Mara didn’t know was that I loved her all the same.

I had always loved her…even before she was mine to love.

I was used to her belonging to someone else.

It’s the way it had always been. But it didn’t make her choosing someone else any easier.

Whenever she said my brother’s name instead of mine, it cut deeper than any knife ever had. It pierced further than any bullet I had ever taken. And her picking Matias was no different.

But I didn’t care.

I’d risk my life a thousand times if it meant a chance at saving hers. Even if she wasn’t mine. Even though she wasn’t mine.

I reached the end of the pool, spun, and pushed off the tiled edge, penetrating through the water like a torpedo. Then I started kicking again, swinging one arm and then the other overhead and back into the water.

I leaped to my death, hoping she would live. I swam hard, blinded in the dark, but I found her. I would always find her.

And the anguish I felt at seeing her lifeless body catapulted my fear.

I had never feared anything so much in my life.

And I fought hard for her. I fought hard against the ocean for her life.

The waves crashed, the water swelled, and all the while the sea pulled on her, trying to steal her away from me.

But that was the funny part, the sad part—she had already been stolen.

I swam then to save her. I swam now to forget.

My muscles loosened, stretching, elongating with each stroke while the muscles in my thighs burned with every kick. Strong. Powerful. Painful.

I saved her. That was all that mattered.

I saved her. And then I watched as she fought for her life in a hospital.

I stroked her hair as she slept. I ran my thumb gently over her bottom lip, remembering the taste of her, the feel of her in my arms. I whispered in her ear, asking her to come back to me, to open her eyes and allow me just one more look at the depths of her soul.

It didn’t matter that she didn’t want me.

I couldn’t stop caring about her. I couldn’t stop worrying about whether she would live or die.

She had said yes . She had been mine.

And then she wasn’t.

I reached the other end of the pool, somersaulted again in the water, and was off into another lap. Each memory fueling pain. Each memory fueling anger and frustration.

I was an idiot.

I let myself think she would pick me, that she would actually want me.

Stupid fucking fool. I had been damned to love someone that never loved me in return.

And it was no one’s fault but mine. And I tried hard to fight it.

I worked so hard to push back against it.

But there was no winning a twisted game like love, was there? And now what?

My lungs cried out, begging me to take another breath. I refused. I wanted to feel the burn. I wanted to feel the ache. Because that felt so much better than the pain of a broken heart. Everything was so fucked up, and I was so confused about what to think.

It’s not what it seems…

That’s what she said. That’s what she said…

right before she shot me in the heart. Then she was gone.

And when I finally came to, shit had hit the fan, and we barely made it out of Telvia alive.

Nobody knew why. Nobody understood her motives.

She had trusted no one with her secrets.

Edith keeps arguing that Mara wouldn’t betray us. But she shot me.

She stunned you.

Edith always corrects me, always emphasizes the difference. She always reminds me that Mara begged her to get us out safely. If she was betraying us, then why leave us alive? Why make sure Edith knew how to get us out?

I was so confused. And I was so worried. Nothing made sense, and she left me behind with the most cryptic message ever. It’s not what it seems.

I was an idiot.

I dared to hope.

I dared to believe that those words meant something.

Fucking stupid.

Hope was a fickle mistress, only setting me up for more pain, more rejection. I had to stop doing this to myself.

I came to the edge of the pool, feeling my heart beating fast, my breathing ragged.

My muscles ached with fatigue. They trembled as I pulled myself out of the water, the smell of chlorine ripe in the air.

I sauntered to the bench in front of me, reached for my white towel, and buried my face in it.

I’d been spending a lot of time swimming lately, ever since the Telvian mission.

Ever since she’d been incarcerated a week ago.

I drew the towel down over my throat, feeling the stainless-steel chain tug on my neck. My dog tags clinked, and instinctively, my hand went to them. I felt the rectangular metal between my fingers, and then I felt her ring resting alongside them.

My father had taken it from her when she was captured; imprisoned for betraying the North, for betraying the Dissenters, for shooting her team, for shooting me.

I was surprised he gave it back to me. Then again, I think he enjoyed salting my wounds, preening now that he had her behind bars.

Letting me have her ring was just a way of reminding me I always failed.

And that gave him some deep-seated satisfaction.

I wanted to throw it away, to chuck it into the deepest part of the sea…

But I couldn’t.

Because no matter how wrong I had been, no matter how much she betrayed us all, I still loved her. And keeping her ring reminded me that I held her once, that she was mine if only for a little while.

I shivered as the cool temperature of the pool room caused my wet skin to prickle. This was one of the few places I found sanctuary in my father’s house. It soothed my weary soul, gave me a place to think while my body kept busy doing something productive.

No one bothered me here…until now.

Movement on my left caused me to turn my head. And I saw the last person I wanted to see.

“What are you doing here?” I narrowed my gaze at Matias as I toweled myself down. The look on his face told me he knew he wasn’t welcomed. He approached me with cautious eyes, slowly, like I was a viper coiled tight, ready to strike.

He wasn’t wrong.

He tucked his hands in the pockets of his black jeans. “We need to talk.”

I ran the towel down my torso, my fingers curling into the fabric with a death grip. “I’ve got nothing to say to you.”

Matias paused two yards in front of me. Stupid. Two yards was nothing to me. He would have been better— safer —staying at the opposite end of the pool.

“Wes,” he began evenly, putting his hands up, palms out. “I’m not here to fight with you, brother. But we need to talk.”

I rubbed my face in the towel again, trying to control my anger, my impulses. “My brother’s dead. I don’t have brothers anymore.”

He grimaced. “Wes,” he tried again, “I know you’re pissed at me—”

I laughed sardonically, cutting him off. “That’s an understatement.”

“I don’t blame you, but it’s not what it seems.”

I froze. It’s not what it seems. That’s what she said…it’s not what it seems.

Matias pushed the advantage given to him by my hesitation.

“Mara and I…it’s not like that between us.

She doesn’t love me. Not like that.” He took a step towards me, and my whole body tensed as I glared at him.

He stopped mid-step, reading my body language.

“You have to do something. You have to help her.”

I turned away from him. “I don’t have to do anything.”

“She cares about you, Wes.”

My entire chest tightened, my lungs feeling like a vice had wrapped itself around them and squeezed. “She chose you.”

“ No , she didn’t,” Matias snapped. “She wants you . She picked you , but something happened, and she couldn’t go through with it. So she asked for my help—”

I closed my eyes, gritting my teeth, shutting him out.

I couldn’t do this. I wouldn’t let myself be dragged under again.

Hope was a painful thing, a deadly thing.

“You need to leave.” It was a warning to him.

I had little patience left, little judgment, little grace.

If he didn’t go, there was no telling what I would do.

“She was scared , Wes.” His voice was hard and angry, echoing in the poolroom. “She came to me because she was scared —”

“Shut the fuck up!” I whipped around to face him. “She betrayed me, she betrayed you, she betrayed everyone —”

“You’re fucking stupid ,” he spat out, his words dripping dark venom.

My hands clenched into fists as I took a step toward him. “Want to say that again, huh? I dare you. Say it again and watch what happens.”