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T he day before the mission, we were still unsuccessful at ringing that stupid bell. But we were finally allowed PTO, and I couldn’t help but feel that our lack of success in training was the first ominous sign of things to come. The first thing I did that morning was message Edith.

Me : Hey, how’ve you been?

Edith: Grateful I’m not climbing that effing wall for the bagillionth time.

Me: Yeah, that thing’s rough.

A few minutes passed without a response, and my finger hesitated over my tab, unsure of how to tell her I was sorry, and that I was going to miss her. But it binged, and I finally saw a reply from her.

Edith: Mara, I’m sorry about getting into a fight with you about Wes. It’s not my business, and now I’m just pissed that I won’t get to see you before tomorrow.

A lump formed in my throat, and I worked hard to choke it down. She was worried that I might not make it back. If only she knew this was truly the end.

Mara: No, Edith, I’m sorry. You were totally right to be upset with me. I’ve been a jerk friend, and I should have been better about it.

Edith: Are you kidding? I don’t envy the mess you’re in. And I should have been more understanding of everything. And I’m sorry that freaking Calista pulled that shit at the gala. That was not cool! I told you that you had to stay away from her.

Mara: So is that what the whole “knifing” business was about? What even happened?

Edith: Yes and no. She and I have had bad blood for a long time.

The shit she pulled at the gala was just the cherry on top of a very big sundae.

So I called her out. There were some choice words, and then I decided it was time someone put her in her place.

I don’t regret it one bit. But I do feel bad that I won’t be there for you this time.

In that sense, I do regret getting kicked off the mission.

My chest tightened just a little, the lump threatening all over again. Because Edith had to be the most loyal friend a person could ever ask for. And I was truly going to miss her.

Mara: You know what, I’m happy that I’ll be able to leave tomorrow knowing you’re safe. It’ll make it easier. Honestly.

I hesitated, not knowing how to tell her what I wanted without tipping her off. I mulled over a few options and decided the vaguer the better.

Mara: I’m just going to miss you.

Edith: Don’t get all sappy on me, newbie. You’re going to go, you’re going to kick major ass, and you’re going to bring that sexy thang of a brother back home. And I’ll be the first one to see you when you get back. Who knows, I might even kiss your sorry ass!

I laughed at that one. Because Edith would totally do it too.

Bing!

Another message came in, and my stomach dropped when I saw who it was from. I was out of time. I flicked the message away and responded to Edith.

Mara: Bye, my friend.

Edith: See ya, girly! Enjoy your PTO.

And that was the end of it. The only shitty goodbye I was going to get with my absolute best friend.

I was about to face the hardest moment of my life; I wasn’t even going to be able to confide in her about it.

And this time, when the lump formed in my throat and the tears threatened to fall, I let them.

I let the emotions consume me whole because this… this sucked.

***

I let myself cry for a good hour, and I avoided the messages that kept coming because they were all from Wes.

Of course, why wouldn’t they be? This was our last day before going on this craptastic mission to rescue my brother.

And there was no guarantee we were going to make it back alive.

What couple wouldn’t want to spend those last moments together?

I wanted them. I wanted them so badly.

I wanted to kiss him, to feel myself wrapped up in his arms, to feel his skin against my own.

And I was tempted to do it too, but how effed up would that be?

To experience a wave of desire with him, only to turn around and break him?

It wasn’t right. It’s what I wanted, but it would have been the most selfish thing for me to do.

No, I couldn’t do that.

The less time I spent leading him on, the better it would be for him in the long run. And that meant that the sooner I did this, the more time he had to process it and get his head back in the game. So I messaged Matias and Calista, telling them I was ready.

It was time.

I was going to do the dirty work. It had to be me.

But I wanted to make sure Matias was there— somewhere —in case things went sideways.

And if all else failed, I knew I could count on Calista to finish convincing Wes.

Because in what world would Calista help me?

Only in this one. So we coordinated to meet up near the training arena.

Matias and Calista would hang out in the background, near enough where they could step in if I needed them.

And I had a pretty strong suspicion I was going to need them.

Because if there was one thing I knew about Wes, it’s that he never went down without a fight.

And I was terrified that if he fought back on me—or worse, begged me to stay with him—I was going to cave.

I was going to tell him it was all one big fat lie and that I would never think about leaving him.

But this was for his own good…his own sanity. Or he would spend the rest of his miserable life as a puppet for his father. And I just couldn’t do that to him. So when the time came, I left my bunkhouse and made my way to the training arena, all the while finally replying to Wes’s messages.

Mara: Hey, sorry I haven’t been responding. I was catching up with Edith.

Only a minute ticked by before he was messaging me back.

Wes: Everything okay?

Mara: Yeah. Just girl stuff. Can we talk?

Wes: I was hoping for a little more than just talking…

My cheeks flushed with heat. I knew exactly what he wanted, and in any other world, I would have been all over that like white on rice. But not today…

Mara: Meet me at the training arena?

Wes: I’ll be there in 10.

The moment I saw his response, I thought I was going to be sick.

My stomach churned in the most ridiculous way, and I thought for sure I was going to vomit stomach acid.

But I kept taking fruitless deep breaths as I walked to the arena.

As I rounded a corner of a building across the way, I saw him.

He was leaning against the wall, wearing his regulatory cargo pants and t-shirt.

Legs stretched out and crossed at his ankles.

His arms were crossed, accentuating the ripples of his biceps, which were more swollen than usual because of our intense training.

Wes stared off into the distance away from me, the light catching the blond of his long hair.

And he looked at peace. It was a rare day when Wes didn’t look pissed off at the world.

Serene was a new one for me. And it saddened me to know that I was going to steal it away from him.

Before I dared to get any closer, I scanned around to see if I saw Matias and Calista, and was relieved when I noticed them several yards away from Wes, pretending to be busy talking.

Just breathe, Mara. Breathe.

I inhaled deeply, trying to settle my nerves.

But it was of no use. My stomach felt like an endless pit of despair, and my heart pounded as though it was going to break through my chest, splintering my ribs, and destroy itself in the process.

And when I thought there was no way I could go through with it—no way I had the stomach to handle it—Wes turned and looked at me.

At that moment, I knew there was no turning back. Because I had to…

For Wes.