Page 16

CHAPTER 16

March 7 th

2:42 P.M.

This hadn't been her plan for the day, but honestly, Ava couldn’t stand spending another second alone in her apartment with Nathaniel.

What had been an exciting prospect this morning when she climbed out of bed had quickly morphed into something else entirely.

Talk about running hot and cold.

One second she would think they were getting along swimmingly, getting to know each other, possibly building toward more. Then the next he’d be all angry with her, closing himself off and shutting down.

She didn't even know what she was doing wrong.

Maybe whatever had led to him coming back to her hospital room the other day had changed. Maybe he thought he was interested in her but once he started spending more time around her, he realized he wasn't. Maybe he just flat out didn't like her. Just because she thought he had while they were running for their lives in Mexico didn't mean it was real. That could have just been an act to make things easier for both of them.

Only … that didn't feel right.

There had been real heat in his eyes when she’d made that embarrassing speech about unwrapping and how the only person she would do that in front of was Nathaniel. There had been genuine care and concern in his eyes at the hospital too. And when he’d pronounced himself her babysitter.

So what had changed?

What had she done wrong?

How did she fix it?

And did she even want to?

While there was attraction between them, and something that could quite easily grow into something more, Ava had learned that the only way to be happy in life was to be yourself. If you tried to fit into other people’s molds of who they thought you should be, all that happened was you grew unhappy and resentful.

As much as she liked Nathaniel, she wasn't going to change who she was for anyone.

Not even him.

“Umm, I should be safe enough here. If you want to take a break for a few hours I can call you when I’m ready to go home,” she offered as they walked out of the elevator and down the hall toward the room she shared with her team.

“No.” Nathaniel said it like there was not even the smallest possibility for discussion. “Where you go, I go. I'm not letting you out of my sight when a trafficking ring is after you.”

“O-kay,” she said slowly. Again with the hot and cold. He’d been angry with her when she’d made the lighthearted offer to buy him some more clothes. It would have been a stretch for her budget, but the only reason he hadn't gone back home was her.

Now he was back to being all fiercely protective and it was giving her whiplash.

“You are the most complicated guy I've ever met,” she muttered under her breath as he followed after her.

Or not so under her breath if his amused chuckle was anything to go by.

“Back at you, Aves. Most confusing girl I've ever met.”

That comradery between them was back, and she stopped and turned to face him, smiling up at him, and basking in the warmth that glowed so brightly in his chocolate brown eyes. Whatever was going on with him, she had the feeling it wasn't her so much as it was him.

But the thing with your inner demons was that no one could fight them but you.

Others could help, support you, encourage you, and be your soft place to fall, but in the end, if you wanted to conquer them you were on your own.

When her gaze dropped to his lips, she felt him drift closer. Her body did the same like some invisible string was tying them together. His forefinger hooked under her chin, and he nudged until she met his gaze again.

There was a question in them, one that was easy to read, and she quickly nodded. Greedily nodded. Needing what was going to come next more than she needed her next breath of air.

That first brush of his lips against hers had to be a taste of what heaven would be like one day. It was soft, but firm, warm in the most delicious way, and she loved the way his thumb drifted lower to caress the pulse point in the hollow of her neck.

“H-hmm.”

The sound of the voice clearing behind them had them both springing back, as though they were teens caught making out by their parents. When she stumbled slightly, Nathaniel was there, grabbing her forearms to steady her.

“I didn't mean to interrupt, only you guys are in the middle of the corridor,” Chelsea said, her voice tinted with amusement.

“Sorry,” Ava squeaked, embarrassed by her lack of control but not enough to regret the kiss.

“Yeah, sorry,” Nathaniel agreed, but he didn't sound sorry in the least.

“Ava, I need to talk to you in the break room,” Chelsea said, grabbing her elbow and maneuvering her down the hall.

“But I just got here, I can't go take a break,” Ava protested. The whole point of coming here was to work with her team to dismantle the organ trafficking ring. She more than anyone else wanted it burned to the ground, so she really shouldn’t be letting her personal life get in the way of that.

“Take the break,” Raven’s voice called out from their workroom, and Ava’s cheeks burned as she realized every single one of her colleagues knew she’d been kissing Nathaniel in the hall.

“See, the boss says it’s fine. Teresa,” Chelsea yelled.

“Go, talk to your friends, I’ll meet you in there,” Nathaniel said, and their gazes seemed to lock together. It was so hard to tear it away, and honestly, she didn't even want to. Not only did Ava want a repeat of the kiss but she wanted a whole lot more as well.

When the three of them were alone in the break room, which was more like a huge living room with a fully stocked kitchen at one end and a grouping of couches down the other, Ava found both her best friends staring at her expectantly.

“So … what did you two get up to while we were at work?” Teresa finally asked.

“Nothing,” Ava answered honestly. Not that she’d planned on having sex with Nathaniel while her friends were at work, but she wouldn't have been opposed to the idea.

“Nothing like no sex, or nothing like nothing nothing?” Chelsea clarified.

“Nothing nothing.”

“Drats, I was hoping for juicier gossip than that.”

Ava laughed at the disappointment on Chelsea’s face. “Sorry to let you down, but we didn't do anything. The kiss in the hall out there was it, and I’m … not sure that’s going to change.”

“You’re not interested anymore?” Teresa asked.

“It’s not that. I'm interested, I'm just not so sure about Nathaniel.”

“Certainly looked like he was interested from what I saw in the hall,” Chelsea said.

“I know, it felt like he was interested then, too. But other times it’s almost like I've offended him somehow, only I have no idea how.”

“Offended him?” Teresa asked.

“He hasn’t yelled at me or anything, although I guess that’s not quite true. A few times he’s snapped at me. And sometimes he just kind of shuts down. I can't get a read on him. I have no idea what's going through his head. I think he’s dealing with some stuff, but I just don’t know him well enough to know what it might be or how I can best help. I don’t want to get too invested if it’s not going to work out. I like him, but we still don’t know each other that well, and just because I have feelings doesn’t mean he does or that he has to. I’m a big girl, and if he’s not interested, I'd rather he just tell me. Maybe I'm a little vulnerable right now, but it’s not like I'm going to break down because of it.”

“You should ask him about it,” Teresa suggested. One thing she loved about her friend was how direct and to the point Teresa was. She never beat around the bush, but she always approached things with a good heart which tempered a little of her directness.

“I’ve asked what's wrong, but he always says nothing.”

“No, I mean, just ask him about himself,” Teresa clarified. “Things in Mexico were intense, and you were running for your lives, so it’s not like you had time to ask each other a bunch of questions. Then you got back, your parents did their usual obnoxious thing, and you almost got kidnapped again. Why don’t you just learn more about Nathaniel, and then you might know why he’s sending you mixed signals.”

It was such a simple solution and yet one she hadn't thought of. She’d focused on finding out the problem so she could fix it, but maybe Nathaniel didn't need a fixer, maybe he just needed a sympathetic ear to listen.

That she could do.

* * *

March 7 th

6:37 P.M.

“I didn't think I'd still be so tired.”

Nathaniel glanced over at Ava, sitting in the passenger seat of his car, with her head tipped back against the headrest and her eyes closed. Despite the air of exhaustion, he was mostly used to seeing hanging off her like a cloud, there was also something else in her demeanor, something that had been there ever since she’d had her girl talk with her friends.

Determination.

He was used to seeing it on her, it was what had helped her keep her wits about her and find a way to escape, and it had helped her survive in the Mexican jungle. It was also what she was going to need to continue to move on from her ordeal. But one thing he was beginning to learn about Ava the more time they spent together was that she put a lot of pressure on herself, expecting more from herself than she would for others. Living up to that self-imposed high standard wouldn’t help her recovery.

“Aves, you lost a kidney.” She flinched at his words, but he didn't hold back, this was her reality, and she had to learn to accept it if she wanted to truly move on. Otherwise, she was going to wind up stuck in limbo like he was, thinking you’d dealt with the past when you really hadn't. “You’re fighting off an infection, you were held tied to a bed for weeks. Plus, you’re living with the added stress of knowing it’s not over and you're still in danger, that takes a toll in and of itself. It’s going to take time for you to recover your strength. You have to be a little patient with yourself.”

Turning her head on the headrest so it was angled in his direction, she gave him one of those warm smiles as her eyes half opened. “When did you get to be so smart?”

“Not sure anyone has ever called me smart before.” Not that he was stupid, he’d gotten reasonable grades in school, but he’d always accentuated his physical strength because that was what got his father off his back.

“Well, they should because you are.” Her eyes opened fully and she studied him with open curiosity.

Fighting the urge to squirm, he fixed his gaze back on the road. “What? You're staring.”

“Just wondering what makes you you. There’s lots I know about you, things I've learned in watching you the last couple of weeks, but I want to know more.” There was a shyness to her voice now that soothed a little of the uncomfortable sensations rumbling inside him. “I want to know lots. Know all of it. Where did you grow up? Do you have siblings? If you do, how many do you have? Brothers? Sisters? Are you the oldest? Youngest? In the middle? What were your parents like? Are they still married? Divorced? What were their jobs? What made you decide to become a SEAL? Do you have nieces and nephews? Have you been in a serious relationship before? Do you have kids? Do you want kids in the future? Do you want to get married one day? What do you see yourself doing when you eventually retire? And why am I like this when I'm nervous?” Ava gave an awkward chuckle at the end of her rambled list of questions.

The rambling was so exactly what he’d come to expect from Ava that the fear inside him at answering any one of those questions eased a little more.

It wasn't like he was unaware of the fact that he kept acting like a fool in the presence of this woman. It was like his fears and insecurities came and went in waves. Something would happen and he’d freak out at the reminder that Ava was too good for him. But then he’d realize he had hurt her and he’d been a jerk, and he’d talk himself down, remind himself that she seemed genuinely interested in him.

Only then something else would happen to set him off.

With the threat hanging over her head, it should be easy enough to detach himself, to focus solely on protecting Ava. But it wasn't easy at all. This woman had him all mixed up inside, and as much as it terrified him, it was also exhilarating. She was everything he’d never allowed himself to want because she was everything he thought he could never have

Yet here she was, still talking to him after his hot and cold behavior, interested in getting to know him, and she’d even let him kiss her.

“You, ah, don’t have to answer any of those questions. I was being nosy, and I got a little carried away.”

When he glanced over, he saw Ava had dropped her face into her hands, and he hated that she was embarrassed by her rambling when he thought it was adorable.

“Hey, it’s okay. I just don’t talk much about myself, not even with my team,” he told her as he pulled into a parking spot across the street from her building.

“Why not?” There was curiosity in her blue eyes when she dropped her hands and looked over at him, but it wasn't the nosy kind like she’d just accused herself of being. It was more than that, deeper, she really seemed to want to get to know him.

Stranger still was that he actually felt an urge to open up.

If she hadn't lost interest in him yet with his unpredictable behavior the last couple of days, maybe she wouldn't when she learned his childhood had been the opposite of hers.

“Because my life was rough,” he said softly as he climbed out of the car and rounded it to open Ava’s door.

Empathy was in her eyes as she unclipped her seatbelt, but not the kind that made him feel two inches tall, just the kind that filled him with warmth because it was clear she cared. He had no idea why, but he liked that she did.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but if you do, I’m a good listener.” Ava held out her hand, an offer that ran much deeper than just the chance to touch her. An offer of support, if he was strong enough to reach out and take it.

In his head, he could hear his father’s drunken voice screaming, his mother’s whimpers, the cries of his siblings, and feel the echo of long-ago beatings. But he didn't want his past to rule his present any longer, and he didn't want to hand over his future to a past he couldn’t change.

So he pushed past the fear and tentatively wrapped his fingers around Ava’s.

The huge smile she aimed his way made it more than worth it.

“My life wasn't pretty,” he said as he led her across the street. “Nothing like yours.”

“I hate that for you. You deserved the world back then and you deserve it now, too.”

Giving her fingers a squeeze, he opened the door and led her inside. “My dad was an alcoholic who couldn’t hold down a job because he was always drunk, so we didn't have much money. I was hungry more than I wasn't, and I didn't own a single item of new clothing until I enlisted.”

Waiting for judgment, when none came, he guided them both into the open elevator.

This wasn't so bad, he could do this.

“My mom worked when she could, but more often than not, she was covered in bruises so she had to call in sick. Do that too many times and you no longer have a job. With twelve kids in the house and hardly any money, things weren't just tough, they were hell.”

“You have eleven siblings?”

“Had,” he corrected as the lift reached Ava’s floor. “Three are dead now. One committed suicide, and two overdosed.”

“Where do you fit in? Are you one of the oldest, one of the youngest, or in the middle?”

“I'm in the middle. Three boys, three girls, me, three girls, and two more boys. There’s only about a year between each sibling, so for most of my childhood all of us were at home. Once I hit my teens the older ones had mostly moved out.”

“Was it because of your childhood that you decided to become a SEAL?” Ava asked as they reached her apartment and she unlocked the door.

“Yeah, it was. I was lucky, I bulked up quickly as a kid, so by the time I was in my early teens, I’d learned to fight back against my dad and he would back off. My mom … she never stood up for any of us. In fact, I think she was almost glad when our dad took out his rage on us instead of her. But I wasn't like her. I couldn’t stand back and be glad he was punching on someone else, so I’d protect the little kids when I could.”

With the door locked behind them, Nathaniel glanced around Ava’s apartment, reminded of all the reasons why they were so different they could never work as a couple.

Wishing otherwise was simply that. Wishing.

“I was tall, muscled, and good with my fists. Joining the military seemed like the best option for someone like me. I couldn’t pay for college, didn't know what I’d study even if I could, and I didn't want to turn to alcohol like my dad, or drugs like some of my siblings. So it seemed like the only option. The only thing I’d ever be good at,” he added like Ava needed further convincing that he would never be good enough for her.

Because he wouldn't.

She was beauty, light, and strength.

And he was darkness and poverty.

In the end, all he’d do was drag her down to his level and she deserved to soar.