Page 31 of Pyg

17

IT'S COMPLICATED

G eorge sat in the armchair by the wide hospital window. Dappled sunlight filtered through the budding leaves of the tree outside and danced in patterns across his face.

“Hey, how’re you doing?” Alice asked quietly, not wanting to startle him.

George turned and his face crumpled into a smile. “Ah, it’s both of you! That’s what I like to see.”

Alice tried to suppress her grin as she sideways-glanced at Ash, who was seemingly oblivious to George’s teasing, or else just ignoring it.

“I popped by your house, like I said I would.” Alice swung a small brown holdall onto the end of the bed which, with the help of Trisha, she’d packed a few things into — fresh clothes, clean pyjamas, slippers, reading glasses, a well-worn sudoku book and, most importantly, the phone charger.

George smiled. “You really are an angel, you know that?”

Ash nudged her arm. “I’ve been trying to tell her that.”

George gave Alice a sparkly-eyed look and she bit down on her grin.

“You didn’t warn me about your neighbour.”

“Ah, you had the pleasure of meeting Trisha?” George raised his bushy eyebrows and smiled. “Her heart’s in the right place, and she makes a wonderful pork casserole.”

“And co-parents your dog, by the sounds of it,” said Alice.

He chuckled. “Pyglet is a free spirit. She comes and goes as she pleases.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“Was there anything out of the ordinary? At the house, I mean?”

Alice opened her mouth to speak, but George got there first.

“Something’s happened to Bernard, hasn’t it?”

Alice gave a solemn nod. “I think so, George, I’m sorry. There was a message on your answering machine. It didn’t sound positive. Your brother-in-law was trying to get hold of you.”

George closed his eyes, his eyelids creased like elephant skin. “I know it isn’t good news.”

Alice unzipped the holdall and rifled around for the charger. “You should call.”

George groaned as he stood up from the chair and went to the bedside locker. From the top drawer, he pulled out his old phone and plugged it in. Within a few seconds, it chimed into life. George put on his reading glasses and peered at the small green screen as messages started to ping through.

“Yes, there are a lot of messages from Juan.”

Alice looked on as foreboding shadowed George’s face. She felt the urge to wrap him in a hug to shield him from the news somehow, but Ash’s voice held her back.

“We’ll leave you alone to make the call, George.” She placed a gentle, guiding hand on Alice’s lower back. “We’ll bring you a cuppa, okay?”

George silently nodded, distracted by the flurry of messages still pinging through.

Ash nodded to the door and mouthed, “Let’s go.”

“Poor George,” said Alice, out in the corridor.

“Best to leave him to make the call, then we can support him once he knows for sure.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Alice sighed.

Ash pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes for a moment, as if battling with a tough decision. Drawing in a breath, she said, “Come with me. I want to show you something.”

* * *

Alice followed Ash along the corridor and into a stairwell which seemed to wind upwards forever. After four flights of stairs, Alice had to catch her breath.

“Where are you taking me?”

Ash looked over her shoulder. Realising Alice had stopped, she jogged back down to her. “Trust me, it’s worth the hike.”

“Look at you, you’re not even out of breath.” Alice panted. “I’m clearly not as fit and I’ve got a broken bone.” She held up her arm.

Ash laughed. “I don’t think that’s making any difference. There are only a couple more flights to go. Come on.”

“You’re indefatigable,” Alice puffed and marched on.

“You should’ve saved your breath on that big word,” Ash called after her, laughter bouncing in her voice.

At the top of the stairwell, they came to a fire exit. Ash pushed the bar, and the doors clattered open, flooding the stairwell with fresh air and sunlight.

“No one really comes out here. I think people assume it’s alarmed.” Ash wedged the door open with a brick, seemingly left close by for just that purpose.

Beyond the doors was a small terrace, with a waist-high industrial railing. Weeds poked through the cracks between the paving slabs, but there was little reason to look down. Beyond the squat brutalist buildings, fields of rapeseed bathed in brilliant sunshine rolled into the distance.

“It’s lovely,” said Alice, lifting her face to the sun.

“It’s a good place to take a breather.”

“You need it after all those stairs.”

“I tried to talk Facilities Management into putting a bench out here, and some plants to make a proper little garden out of it. I pitched the wellbeing angle; it’d be somewhere for people to get away for a bit.”

“It’d be perfect for that.”

“Unfortunately they knocked it back for health and safety reasons, but I suspect it was funding.”

“Shame.”

Ash nodded. “I usually bring a cup of tea up here.”

“Mmm, yeah, a cup of tea right now would be perfect.”

“Best I can offer you is a couple of fingers.”

Alice whipped around so fast she almost caused herself another injury. “Sorry, wha?—”

Ash’s lips quirked into her wonky smile as she held out a red wrapper. “Kit Kat. Do you want half?”

“Right, yes.” Of course, that’s what she meant. Christ, Alice. “Thank you.”

Leaning on the railing and looking out over the vista, Alice nibbled the chocolate off the wafer fingers, whilst Ash crunched hers.

“Mmm, delicious, but so much better after it’s been dipped in tea,” Alice said.

“Yuck, I don’t do that.”

Alice looked at her, mouth open in mock outrage. “What? Come on, at least tell me that you’ve used a Crunchie as a straw?”

“What? No!”

“Doctor K., you haven’t lived. I’m going to have to buy you a Crunchie now, aren’t I?”

Ash smiled as she gazed into the distance, squinting slightly in the sun. Alice scanned her profile. A few strands of Ash’s glossy black hair floated in the light breeze, fluttering around her face. Alice resisted the pull to reach out and gently tuck the hair behind her ear, as well as the urge to touch her face and curl her fingers around Ash’s jawline, to caress her soft, smooth skin. Alice’s eyes dropped to Ash’s lips, which lifted into a smile as she turned to face her.

“What?” Ash asked.

“Huh?”

“You’re staring at my mouth. Have I got chocolate on my teeth or something?”

Alice breathed a laugh. “No, no… it’s just…”

“Just what?”

Alice felt the heat rising into her cheeks and turned away. “Did you used to come up here with your ex?” Why did I ask her that?

“Yeah, it was Sam who showed me this spot, back in the day.”

Great.

“Does being up here still remind you of her?” Alice asked, hoping for an immediate, “No,” which would’ve paired nicely with an, “All I can think of at the moment is you,” and she wouldn’t have declined a, “Let’s go back to yours and get naked,” to finish off with.

But none of that came and Ash looked so lost in thought that when she spoke again, it startled Alice a little.

“I wasn’t entirely honest with you about Sam.”

“Oh?”

“My life is more complicated than I perhaps implied.”

Alice raised her eyebrows. “Sam’s not an ex?”

“No, she is. It’s just… complicated.”

“Tell me you’ve got a husband and five kids, but you’re battling with latent lesbianism, and we have complicated . But otherwise…”

Ash winced. “You’re not too far from the truth.”

What the — Alice’s face must have said what she was thinking as Ash quickly filled in the gaps. “No, not me. Sam. I only told you half the story. She did move to Edinburgh, but it wasn’t for a job… she had a different offer she couldn’t refuse. Her family found her a good match.”

Ash’s accent took on an Indian lilt as she said, “A very nice boy, from the right caste.” Her brown eyes found Alice’s, the hurt visible behind them. Ash looked away.

“So, yeah. She’s married now.”

“Oh, Ash.” Alice touched her arm, but she wanted to pull her into a hug and squeeze away her sadness.

“It almost broke me at the time. She was my everything, you know?”

Alice nodded.

“She just chucked us away, like we never really mattered. I knew she wanted a family. I’d have liked to have given her that one day, but she said she wanted to do it properly, in the right way… as God intended it.”

“Ouch.”

Ash inhaled, her knuckles going white as she gripped the railing.

“But that’s her, not you. You’re not complicated.”

“I am, because I’ve been hurt. I couldn’t go through that again. And I’ve had to distance myself from my family, as they want all that for me too. You know, husband, kids — in the right way. It’s a lot of pressure and I don’t think they’ll accept anything else.”

“So, it’s either lose yourself, or lose them, potentially?”

“Yep, that pretty much sums it up.”

“Shit, so you’re seriously thinking of going along with that?”

“Oh, hell no! I’m not like Sam. I couldn’t live a lie, well, not completely — I do have a beard for family gatherings, but that’s just to make my life easier.”

“You’re not out to your family at all?”

“Sort of — My brother knows and some of my cousins, they’re cool with it. My mum hopes it’s just a phase.” Ash widened her eyes. “She said she’d die of shame if anyone else knew… hence, the beard. I spare everyone’s blushes and the only grief I get is about why I haven’t married him yet.”

After a moment, Ash turned to her and something other than sadness flickered behind those dark brown eyes.

“I don’t really like talking about it, but I wanted to be honest with you and tell you the whole story.”

“Why?”

“Because you asked.” Ash’s gaze dropped to Alice’s mouth. “And because I?—”

The doors rattled open behind them, and two nurses appeared, lighters sparking under cupped hands before they’d even made it outside.

“What a pile of shite that we’re working on such a gorgeous day. As soon as I get a day off, it’s nothing but feckin’ drizzle,” said the younger nurse with a thick Irish accent.

“It’s not like your skin can take the sun. Surely, you’d just turn into one giant freckle?”

“Now, Eileen, that’s what you call an Irish tan.”

Eileen laughed through a smoker’s cough before eyeing Alice and Ash. “Sorry ladies, we’re not interrupting anything, are we?”

“No,” said Ash, although the pained expression on her face said the opposite. “We were just leaving.”

Alice sighed.

“We should get back to George,” Ash said and led the way through the doors. “Bloody smokers. I bet that’s the other reason Facilities ruled out a terrace garden. It’d only encourage more smokers. Not that it’s even allowed on the hospital grounds.”

“Why didn’t you say something to them?”

“It isn’t worth it. I don’t want to get on the wrong side of the nurses.”

Ash paced ahead and Alice willed her to slow down or, better, stop. She wanted Ash to turn and finish what she’d been about to say… or do, because even though it didn’t make sense after the conversation they’d just had, Alice could’ve sworn Ash had been about to kiss her.

* * *

“It might be best if you go in on your own first. I don’t want to overwhelm him.” Ash buried her hands in her pockets and leaned against the wall.

As they stood in the corridor outside George’s room, Alice’s mind spun with questions about everything unsaid between them.

“You’re the doctor. Wouldn’t it make more sense for you to go in?”

“He doesn’t need a doctor right now; he needs a friend. And you’ve been there for him from the start.”

“So have you.”

“Yeah, but I was being paid. You were just there because you’re a good person.” Ash visibly swallowed. “The best per?—”

“Coming through,” the bearded one of two porters called out, as they rushed down the corridor wheeling a bed.

Without a thought, Alice pressed closer to Ash to let them by, but in the whoosh of them passing, she stepped off balance and stumbled into her.

“Whoa, easy.” The hands previously stuffed in Ash’s pockets were now on Alice’s hips, her fingertips in contact with the flesh under Alice’s T-shirt. Alice looked up into the slightly taller woman’s face.

“Sorry, I?—”

“It’s okay, I got you,” said Ash.

The peril was over. The porters had long since passed, but Ash’s hands stayed put. Alice’s heart galloped. Neither of them made to move away. Ask her, now…

“Before, on the roof. You were going to say something else.”

Ash’s mouth twitched into a grin. “Yeah, I wanted to tell you?—”

“Sorry to interrupt, Doctor K.,” Marjorie’s voice boomed, shattering the moment.

Ash’s hands fell away from Alice’s hips. She stood up straight and cleared her throat. Alice stepped back, her heart pounding and skin tingling from Ash’s touch.

“Nurse Reid?”

“I know you’re not on duty yet, but can we borrow you for a minute? We need a quick second opinion on a complex care plan.”

“Sure. Be right there.”

Marjorie turned and swayed back towards the nurse’s station.

“Sorry, I better...” Ash pointed in the direction of the departing nurse. “You go into George, and I’ll grab you both some tea, okay?”

Alice nodded, disappointment replacing the hope that had risen in her chest only moments ago. Ash must have read it on her face as, before she sprung off, she shot Alice her disarming grin and said, “We will get to finish our chat soon, I promise.”

“I think I’ll implode if we don’t,” Alice muttered to Ash’s retreating figure.

Alice tapped on George’s door and entered. Still sat in the chair facing the window, he didn’t turn with the swoosh of the door, nor when Alice softly called out to him. She pulled up a blue plastic chair from the corner of the room and sat alongside him.

“Bernard’s dead.” George’s voice came out croaky and raw.

“Oh, George, I’m so sorry. What happened?”

“Juan said it was a heart attack. He died in the ambulance.”

Alice reached across and squeezed his arm.

George sighed. “I’m not at all surprised. Bernard liked to live large. Juan and I were always telling him to slow down. Sixty-six though, that’s no age, is it?”

“No age at all.”

“Poor Juan is distraught. He’s blaming himself because he’d plied Bernard with rich food and alcohol. And he bought him a birthday cigar and let him smoke it even with his bad chest. But it was his birthday. Our birthday!” George’s voice cracked. “It isn’t Juan’s fault.”

“No, poor guy. Had they been together long?”

“About six years. They both work in the theatre business. Bernard cast Juan in one of his plays and they fell in love. I was a bit sceptical at first as Juan’s so much younger. He’s around your age, but he was good for my brother. He made him very happy.”

“Not all of us youngsters are gold-diggers, you know?” Alice smiled.

George scoffed a laugh. “I didn’t mean to imply that. Bernard was my little brother. I always looked out for him. We didn’t have the easiest childhood.”

“The answering machine message, I think it was when Juan and Bernard were on the way to hospital. Do you think when you heard it, it triggered your fugue?”

George nodded. “My mind has been scrambling through flashbacks over the last couple of days, but now I quite clearly remember hearing the message and turning to see a flash of black fur in the front garden. I thought it was Pyg, so I followed her.”

“Pyg — as in your childhood dog?”

George nodded.

“I don’t mean to be insensitive, but surely Pyg must be long gone?”

“Mmm, you’re right. She died a long time ago. But I don’t sleep well — chronic insomnia. If it’s been an especially bad patch, I sometimes see the shadows of things that aren’t really there.”

Alice rubbed his arm through the thin paisley fabric of his pyjama shirt.

“Perhaps with the shock of hearing Bernard… my mind was playing tricks on me? Or it could’ve been Pyglet I saw? It’s the only sense I can make of everything. Pyg was there when Bernard and I went through a particularly difficult time as kids. She was like a beacon when all other hope had faded.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Bernard died without knowing the truth. I just wanted to protect him, but I should’ve told him.” George squeezed his eyes shut and a tear rolled down his cheek and into his beard.

Alice drew closer, moving her hand from his arm to his back. His chest heaved with the weight of his sorrow. There was something unsettling about witnessing fragility in a person as sturdy as George, almost like watching a crack appear in a mighty dam.