Page 28

28

JAKE

I missed my flight that afternoon. I honestly just didn’t feel like going anywhere. My bags were packed, and my cleaning service was scheduled to arrive the next morning. My dad said he’d pop by later to make sure the house was locked up securely since I’d be gone for a month or longer.

But I didn’t leave.

I huddled in a corner of the sofa under a blanket and watched old Fast and Furious movies. When the cleaning service arrived, I apologized profusely…for my bare chest and sweats ensemble and for neglecting to tell them I didn’t need them for a few more days.

I might have given a specific date, but don’t quote me. I didn’t feel like dealing in specifics. It was easier to float on a cloud of whatevers and whenevers. I was tired of being responsible and so damn reasonable. I needed a moment to regroup.

Sure, I’d had the whole summer, but I was nursing a broken heart so hey…give me a fucking break.

Fast Five credits rolled while I chomped on the dregs of my peanut butter sandwich. Plain peanut butter, no jelly. Mason would have been scandalized. Fucking gross. Might as well eat shoe leather and paste, Milligan.

My lips twitched before a wave of loneliness socked me in the gut. I blinked back tears and reached for the remote, chiding myself for being such a baby. I had to pull myself together. A day or two of wallowing…okay, but that was it. I was going to have to leave my house eventually, get my ass to Boston, and?—

I froze at the sound of a key scraping a lock. The front door opened a moment later, and footsteps and voices spilled in from the foyer.

“He’s going to need his winter coat,” Mom said. “He brought it home last March and forgot about it. Remember, spring was unseasonably warm in Boston last year.”

“It’s August, Piper. He won’t need that coat for another few months,” Dad replied testily. “I could have picked it up for you. We both didn’t need to make the trip out here.”

My mom chuckled.

“It’s like old times. You’re Mr. Make-Sure-The-Door-Is-Locked, and I’m in charge of making sure no one is cold or—” Mom’s hand flew to her throat in a fright. “Jake!”

Dad moved around her, his sharp gaze taking in the littered mess of mugs and dirty dishes on the coffee table in the darkened great room. “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

I swallowed the peanut butter sawdust in my mouth and shook my head. “Uh…no. What are you guys doing here?”

Mom let out a deep breath and marched to the sofa, setting a manicured and bejeweled hand on my forehead. “You don’t feel feverish, but you look like shit.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“We need sunlight.” She opened the blinds with the remote.

I blinked on cue, wincing at my father’s worried frown. “I’m fine. I just decided to stay a few more days. I forgot to tell you. Sorry.”

Dad sat on the armchair closest to my corner of the sofa while Mom bussed away the debris on the coffee table, mumbling about pigs and crumbs.

“What’s going on?” he asked, all business.

“Nothing, I?—”

“Jake. Please. It’s been a day already. I had an escrow fall through, the McGrady’s house didn’t pass inspection, Charlotte’s best friend is going to Pinecrest for second grade and she’s a wreck about it, my husband needs ricotta cheese for the recipe he’s making for dinner, and your mother is following me around pretending to need a coat so she can make sure I remember how to lock a damn door.”

“I can hear you!” Mom singsonged.

“Please.” Dad’s smile didn’t reach his eyes, but the trace of humor was unmistakable. I wished I were as graceful as he was under pressure. He could take slings and arrows like a champ and still come out swinging. Me…I sad-ate peanut butter and watched lousy action flicks in the dark.

“I’m…I’m…” I sighed and shook my head. “I wasn’t ready. That’s all.”

“Are you going to make me guess? I know you’ve been a little preoccupied, but I’m not sure why. Your contract is handled, your team is looking better than last year, you’re healthy as far as I can tell, so…”

“Oh, honey. That’s the ‘I miss the someone special’ blues if I ever saw ’em.” Mom barreled on in her usual ballsy fashion.

In my family, Dad was the sensitive one who treaded lightly and Mom was the one with no filter.

“Mom…”

“We know and we approve.” She snorted at my shocked expression. “Oh, come on. We’re not blind. And by the way, he’s absolutely adorable.”

“Wait. You know? I don’t get it,” I sputtered.

“We pay attention, Jake, and we love you.” Mom kissed my temple and glanced at Dad. She made a face I couldn’t decipher if my life depended on it. “I’ll leave you two to talk. Call me later. I know your schedule, and I know for a fact that you need to be in Boston on Monday since that’s the day I’m supposed to meet you there. So I’ll either see you at dinner tomorrow or in Boston. Bye, sweetheart.”

Dad typed a message into his cell and shoved it into his pocket just as the front door closed. “Dinner can wait or…I’ll order pizza. Talk to me, Jake.”

We stared at each other for a beat.

“I met someone,” I hedged. “And he’s pretty cool.”

“I see.”

“A man,” I clarified.

“I got that,” he said matter-of-factly.

“I…um…” I narrowed my eyes and melted into the sofa. “I’m bi.”

He nodded. “That’s great. And yes…I had a feeling.”

“Why didn’t you say anything? You and Mom both knew? That’s so…how? And how long have you been waiting for me to come out?”

Dad sighed and moved to sit beside me. “I wasn’t waiting. I knew you’d tell me when you were ready.”

I hung my head. “I’m sorry. I should have said something sooner, but…to be honest, I didn’t want you to know.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t be…out, and I can’t have what you have with Smitty.” I bit my bottom lip. “He’s not someone I can have at all.”

“Do you want to tell me about him?”

“It’s Trinsky.” I shot a sideways glance at my father. “And you knew that too.”

“Well, I had a suspicion. You spend a lot of time together for a couple of guys who despise each other.” Dad smiled. “I figured there was a chance you didn’t hate him after all.”

“Not even a little,” I replied in a barely audible tone. “It’s just kind of impossible.”

He laid his hand on my knee and squeezed gently. “Is it?”

“There’s no way it would work and I wouldn’t ask Mason to throw away his career for my sake.” I paused for a moment. “For the first time in my life, I feel trapped by hockey. I should be grateful. It should be enough to play the game I love and have a great career and a supportive family and good friends. I shouldn’t want more than this. I shouldn’t want…”

“Love?”

“Yeah. Maybe that’s not for me.”

“Of course it is,” Dad scoffed. “I know the stakes are different, but I wouldn’t give up if I were you.”

“I know you wouldn’t.” I squinted at the flat-screen for a beat and met his gaze. “Every time you’ve failed at something, you’ve figured out a way to fix the problem and make it so much better than how you left it. More perfect. I wish I was like you, but I’m…not that brave. Not really.”

“Are you kidding? You’re fearless, Jake. You always have been. Do not underestimate yourself.” Dad shook his head, his eyes widening with a flood of emotion. “My God…you say you wish you were like me, and all along, I’ve wished that I were more like you.”

My mouth fell open. “I…”

“It’s true. There’s no such thing as perfect, Jake,” he rasped. “Nothing is perfect, but good things are worth fighting for. Trust me, I know that lesson well. I used to think that if I worked hard, you wouldn’t have to, but that’s wrong. Your path is different. It’s filled with bright lights and adulation. It’s your name on jerseys and screaming fans in packed arenas. It’s stat sheets, practices, games, and travel. But you aren’t your sport, Jake. You’re so much more. You’re a man who’s worked hard and fought for a dream. A big dream. I’d call that brave.”

I sniffed and wiped my nose on my forearm like Nathan would. “Thanks.”

“Look, I understand that your situation is complicated and I wish that I could make it easier. I can’t. It’s part of your journey. Just…don’t stop dreaming now, Jake.”

I swallowed hard. “I won’t.”

Dad slung his an arm around my shoulders. “Good. Hey, if I haven’t told you lately, I’m proud of you and I love you.”

I flashed a watery smile his way. “Have I ever told you that I think I’m pretty lucky you’re my dad?”

He grinned, tugging me into an awkward side hug.

I felt buoyed and grateful, but the hole in the heart was an open wound that left me feeling unsteady.

Damn it, Trinsky.

This wasn’t supposed to end this way. I wasn’t supposed to want more and I wasn’t supposed to care that I couldn’t have it all.

So now what?

What could I possibly do? How could I make loss into gain when all I wanted was to crawl under a rock and wish time away? What was the dream supposed to look like without him?

It wasn’t like me to give up. I stubbornly wanted to believe there was a chance for us, but from where I sat, it seemed pretty fucking hopeless.