Page 6 of Promised Secret (Promises, Promises #3)

Chapter Three

DAN

“Where were you last night?” Clay asked at lunch the next day.

I was unsuccessful in inviting either Rosa or Frederick to join us today, so it was just Clay and me.

I did manage to claim a seat across from him instead of sitting beside him like we usually did.

There was only a table separating us, but I felt like any tiny bit of distance was necessary, for my sanity, at least.

Besides, it was weird for us to always sit side by side when it was just the two of us, wasn’t it? It was much easier to have a conversation when the person was across from you.

Clay and I never had an issue with it before, but that was the excuse I was going to use if he asked. And I had a feeling he would, since he kept glancing at the empty space next to him.

“I went to visit the family house,” I told him, acting clueless to his questioning gaze. I could only focus on calming one fire at a time.

“You could have told me, then we could’ve visited together,” he said, forking the salad he’d ordered today. Neither of us was big on cooking, so we ate most of our meals out.

“Nah, I didn’t want to bother you. I’m sure you wanted to rest after a long day at work,” I said casually and took a bite of my pasta.

Truth was, I needed a reminder of why it was so important to keep my distance from Clay when I wanted to do the exact opposite. Going back to my childhood home and seeing my lao-ba and Sandra was the cold splash of reality I needed.

They’d gotten married a year after delivering the most devastating news to my fourteen-year-old heart, that I was going to be stepbrothers with the person I’d been crushing on for years.

Said crush—Clay—had been ecstatic about their upcoming nuptials and was even excited about calling my dad “lao-ba” just as I did.

That had only been another crack to my already broken heart. It was a clear fact that Clay obviously hadn’t seen me in that way and was more interested in being my brother than my lover.

I tried meeting their expectations. For years, I’d tried getting rid of my crush by shaking it off like I would a cold, but the feelings for Clay lingered. All I could do was keep pushing it deep, deep down, where nobody could find it.

I ignored my emotions and played my part in the happy family like they all wanted me to. But all I managed to do was fall more in love with the one person I couldn’t have, and that was when it happened.

In a moment of weakness, I’d dragged Clay down into the abyss with me and started something I really couldn’t take back.

Did I regret it? If you asked the part of me that was so in love he couldn’t think straight, then I could honestly say no. But the part that wanted to fulfill my dad’s expectations and make everyone happy had.

Seeing how happy Dad and Sandra were yesterday was even more proof that my love for Clay would lead to nothing good. And letting us go further down a path that seemed inescapable to me was a line I shouldn’t be testing.

The only answer I had was to pretend none of it had happened, so I wasn’t tempted to fall back into this comfortable habit we’d developed. But that was really, really hard when I wanted to be tempted, and Clay wasn’t doing anything to stop it.

That was how I got the brilliant idea of creating some space between us. The plan was to keep the distance until I learned how a stepbrother should act towards him, but how did I do that when I never saw him as one?

Clay’s grip on his fork tightened, but he remained silent as he stared down at his food. It was obvious he was irritated by my sudden change in attitude, but I was already trying my best. It was either this or cut off contact completely, and I didn’t think either of us wanted that.

I cleared my throat and tried to remember how we used to interact before the lines started to blur.

“Jones looks really happy with Ryan,” I said, hoping to switch topics.

He didn’t reply, but that was okay. I was good at keeping up conversation even if I was the only one speaking.

“I was worried at first, but now I think Ryan and Karla are good for him. He seems more grounded lately, and he’s smiling a lot more frequently, too.

Speaking of, have you noticed a certain diner owner has been frowning less?

I think Atlas is rubbing off on him, if you know what I—”

“Dan.”

The way Clay said my name had me clamping my mouth shut and a shiver going down my spine.

Fuck.

Why did he have to say my name all growly like that? Didn’t he know the effect he had on me?

Oh, wait…that was the whole point. He wasn’t supposed to, because I’d hidden it as best as I could.

“Are you… Are we okay?” Clay asked and reached across the table to grab my hand.

I quickly pulled back, then realized I’d made it completely obvious and awkward, and scratched the back of my head so it didn’t seem like I’d intentionally dodged his touch.

Still, that didn’t stop the hurt from flashing across his face. I regretted it instantly and wanted to put my hand back to where it was before I’d avoided him, but I knew it would only make things worse at this point.

“Yeah. Of course we’re okay,” I replied with a chuckle that sounded more forced than anything else. “We’re stepbrothers, so why wouldn’t we be okay?”

I thought the answer would give him peace of mind, but his frown only deepened instead.

“You’ve never called me that before.”

“What? My stepbrother? Sure I have,” I lied. He was correct in saying I’d never intentionally called him my stepbrother before, but I didn’t know he was keeping track, too.

“No,” he said slowly. “If you have, you’re either joking or being sarcastic, and you don’t sound like either right now. What’s going on, Dan? Are you the one who’s caught a fever?”

I hated how he knew me so well because it meant it was that much harder to keep things from him. Honestly, I should win an award for having kept my feelings from him for so long.

“I guess I am feeling a little off recently,” I finally answered with a bit of the truth. “It’s probably just the summer blues. I’m sure I’ll be fine once I get back to the normal routine.”

I had no plans of falling back into the same dangerous tango we’d somehow found ourselves in, but he didn’t need to know that.

My hand clenched into a fist in front of me, and Clay tried again to take it. This time, I didn’t stop him.

“Everything’s going to be fine,” he said, smiling softly as he gripped my hand.

I stared at our hands in wonder, hating how the slightest touch from him had a fire starting in the pit of my stomach, while he looked completely unaffected.

It was terrible of me, but just once, I wished we could switch places. I wished I could be the perfect son and brother instead of the one who was bound to ruin the family if my feelings ever got out.

I swallowed all the words I wished I could say and smiled. What else could I do?

Step one of learning to love Clay like a stepbrother and nothing more: keep smiling even when the broken shards that made up my heart were tearing me to shreds from the inside out.

I somehow managed to finish lunch without acting weird, or at least normal enough that Clay didn’t bring it up again.

There weren’t many appointments in the afternoon, so I spent time reading an old Traditional Chinese Medicine textbook my lao-ba got me.

When I was younger, I didn’t understand why Lao-ba insisted on continuing my TCM studies when the world was moving to more advanced Western medicine.

It was only after going through my residency that I realized there were gaps in Western medicine that TCM could fill.

And instead of choosing one method or another, they could be used in conjunction for a more effective treatment plan.

Like with TCM, I didn’t understand a lot of the things my lao-ba did until I was older.

When he and Sandra first told us they’d been dating and wanted to get married, I thought Dad realized I liked men and wanted to punish me.

In hindsight, it’d been a ridiculous thought, because Dad didn’t have a spiteful bone in his body.

Plus, all he’d ever wanted for me was to be happy and have a good life, and that included loving whoever I wanted.

Lao-ba had made me his entire world for so long that I’d forgotten he was the main character of his own life. It was the unfortunate coincidence that the person he loved just happened to be the mother of the man I loved.

I closed the textbook and sighed. Studying usually put me in a Zen mood, but everything was out of whack today.

“You okay, boss?”

Frederick poked his head into my little office. He took one look at me, then closed the door behind him and claimed the seat across from me.

I crossed my arms. “Why does everyone keep asking if I’m okay recently? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, ‘beware of Dan Yao’?” I spat out, my frustrations growing quicker than I could rein them in.

He raised an eyebrow.

Okay, maybe lashing out at my nurse wasn’t the best way to show people that everything was normal.

“Sorry,” I muttered guiltily. “I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“Does this have anything to do with the awkward lunch we had with Clay yesterday?”

I winced. “Yeah, sorry for dragging you into that. I just…can’t be alone with Clay right now,” I admitted with another sigh.

Frederick studied me in silence for a few beats. “Is it because of your crush on him?”

His statement of fact almost had me falling out of my seat. I had to grip my desk to keep myself seated. “Am I that obvious?” I asked, trying to sound casual to hide the panic I was actually feeling.

Nobody else knew about my feelings for Clay—not even my best friends. That was how hard and deep I’d pushed them down over the years.

Frederick once again was silent for another beat. From working with him over the past year, I’d learned he did that a lot. He was always thoughtful of what he said, as if he had to be careful with his words.

“Maybe not as obvious as you think, but it’s easier to see when you’re in the same situation,” he replied.

“Are you saying you’re in the same situation as me? Crushing on your stepbrother?” I said bitterly.

That got a half-smile out of him that looked as bitter as I felt. “Well, not exactly the same. I don’t have a stepbrother, but I am familiar with falling in love with someone I’m not supposed to.”

My new nurse had always been a curious person, but he’d just turned downright mysterious.

“I’m sorry. It sucks, doesn’t it?” I joked to lighten the mood.

Frederick barked out a laugh. “Took the words right out of my mouth.”

We sat in somber silence for a moment, digesting the reality of our situations. I didn’t know what Frederick was thinking, but I felt lighter knowing I had someone who could empathize with my situation. Maybe I wasn’t entirely alone in this.

“All that to say, if you ever need an ear, mine are open,” Frederick offered.

“Same to you,” I shot back.

I smiled at him, and he smiled back.

There was still no solution to my current issue, but gaining a friend who had my side in it all? Now that felt like a win.